Ahhh, I am steaming mad at my teenage son right now!!!!!

[Elite Silkies]

I also use the manual labor method, which they absolutely despise. I have a 14 year old and he too is giving me some trouble, but my troubles with him actually started when I got pregnant with his twin sisters. He is ADHD but I refuse to allow him to use that as an excuse for any of his behavior. He knows right from wrong regardless.

I think they have a lot of peer pressure at school to be popular. The problem with my child is that he will not tell you how he is feeling, he keeps it all inside.

I am going to take my child to a counselor and see if they can get him to open up. I think when they act out they may very well be suppressing some sort of anger that they are feeling.

I feel that it is very important to talk to your children and let them know how much you love them, but also let them know that the way they are acting disappoints you. I also feel that if you can not say something constructive then do not say anything at all. Do not try to talk to your children when you have so much anger, because I feel that you sometimes say things out of anger that you really do not feel.

I personally take everything away from my son and he has to clean, clean, clean and then clean some more. I do hope that you find a good solution and then hopefully you can share it with us

 

[MissPrissy]

I am surprised he was sent home and not taken into custody for juvenile offenses since there was not only smoking but illegal substances involved. School property is governed by tight laws and federal jurisdictions. If there is no legalities over this he is already one very lucky boy.

I would empty his room of every single thing in there save for his bed. Sheets, blankets, coverlett, pillow etc only. Do a daily bed check for cigarettes and other substances.

Pare down his clothing to 1 weeks worth of jeans, shirts, underclothes and one pair of shoes.

Nothing else at all in his room. Lock it up even if you have to rent a storage space for a month or 3.

Work would be his only entertainment.

Require him to sit at the table with the family for his meals.

Let him earn back items and privileges by working for them.

No tv, no pc, no phone, nothing at all.

In just a very short time, if you don't practice very tough love now, you will have an 18 year old who will be taken to jail for his behavior and inability to do the right thing.

He can either pay the price now or later end up in a prison paying a much heftier price since you stated there was illegal substances involved.

Tough love is the only thing that some kids understand.

 

[nop169]

I feel your pain - been there & done that. Ours were teens we adopted so it was even worse because they were not raised with our values... anyway to the point.... discussions did not work, physical punishment was not an option & labor was refused. So we had to find other routes of dealing with them.... first we learned that the majority of kids ours were around at that age were not constrained by values we cherished. It simply was "no big deal" to smoke, drink or have sex to these other teens so therefore ours felt we were being too harsh... did we change - no - we sat down & explained to them why we believe as we do & tried to explain & show the consequences of these irresponsible actions. It worked some but after awhile we were right backwhere we started. Realize that the oldest was 18 and we "fought" with her for 3 years before finally asking her to leave. We stopped paying for college the year before, stopped paying for her car insurance, stopped everything but the basics and yet she still lied to us & snuck out to see a guy... we tried to give her the wisdom of our years & tried to give her some space. We tried being harsh & we tried being friends. We finally said enough - if you want to be an adult then go find you a home to rent & be the adult you so badly want to be. She did & did not speak to us for over a year. She moved in with her boyfriend & got a job. It was hard & we ached about it but she needed a reality check. She was lucky in that the boy really loved her & eventually they got married & now have a 2 yo daughter. But now she is going back to college after seeing that they cant make it on a mill paycheck. Similar with my son - left at 20. sometimes the hard lessons are best.

 

[rufus]

Quote:
I have heard a horse hair will do the trick.

But seriously, talk to the kid about the problem. Yelling and screaming never works. There comes a time when kids have to make up their mind what and how they are going to spend the rest of their lives. That appears to be now. You can no longer control their lives; if you haven't taught them right from wrong now, it is probably too late.

Don't judge too quickly. My wife found a white powder in my son's room once. She was devestated. It turned out to be algicide for his fish tank.

Good luck,

Rufus

 

[Whispering Winds]

Quote:
This is one of the best pieces I have read. We had trouble with our son as a teen, alcohol and crazy behavior, got caught stealing when drunk with a couple of friends, and I thought his world had come crashing to an end. We stuck by him, made him take his punishment and community service and pay his own fines, and he was never in trouble again. One of our daughters got involved with an older guy, SA could do nothing about it, as she was 16 and there wasn't really anything anyone could do about it, unless she testified. That was a hoot; when they are 16 and in love, no amount of reasoning could make her see what a mistake. But, they did stay together for 7 years, we have two darling grandkids from the situation, actually adopted the son and am raising him as our own. She is now with another very good person and he is good for her, and they have two kids, so four total. I didn't think we would make it through some of those days, but they both turned out to be super good human beings and are really good parents. Adopting the son was not because they were bad parents, although at the initial onset of our taking him and his sister, it was. We just loved him, because he was 4 months old and became so attached to us, that we simply could not let him go. They understood and knew the bond with them was not there, so they agreed to let us have him. He is well aware of the story, could not be a more well adjusted happy little boy. He is on great terms with both parents and goes and visits, but is always ready to come back to mama and papa.

Good luck with your son. My heart goes out to you; home schooling is the route to go, I wish I had been smart enough to do it. Our son was lucky enough to get involved in an alternative school situation that was just getting off the ground floor and it was a miracle. He made the honor roll all but one quarter the two years he was there, and had curriculum he would not have had in the regular school, so I will always been grateful to the principal who took over the county supt. job and wrote our son a letter inviting him to come to this school. He saw the potential in him, and now he is an LPN and wants to go to medical school.

 

[Camelot Farms]

MissPrissy: I am surprised he was sent home and not taken into custody for juvenile offenses since there was not only smoking but illegal substances involved. School property is governed by tight laws and federal jurisdictions. If there is no legalities over this he is already one very lucky boy.


I think Robin said that the illegal substances were on a different occasion, not at school. I think. I get myself confused alot these days...

 

[gatorgal]

Quote:
As a member of "society" can I just take a moment to THANK YOU!!!! (and all other parents that take this kind of responsibility)
As I watch more and more "breeders" bringing children into this world that they do not want and will not properly care for; i am forever grateful for folks like you who are doing what needs to be done (even when its hard as crap) to bring up people that will not be a drain on society. I, and I would venture to say, all other tax paying americans tip our hat to you, knowing I'm not going to foot the bill for your childrens future prison term.

 

[Countrywife]

Quote:
Girls- I will throw in the 3rd for free- mine is 15, smarter than the rest of the world, and found girls. UUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

 

[Dar]

Quote:
Girls- I will throw in the 3rd for free- mine is 15, smarter than the rest of the world, and found girls. UUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

hey wait... who wants my 12 yr old?

I got a call while i was at the dentist today that my son had ingested an unknown white substance

so with mouth frozen i rush off to the school....

Kid "A" claimed to my son that the substance was drugs, my son thinking he was a smart alec was going to prove him wrong and snorted the substance

when my ds started feeling under the weather he went to school staff and told them what he had done

when kid "A" found out that police were involved he started to panic and fessed up and said it was baking powder

just to be on the safe side we took ds to the hospital for a tox screen which came back neg...

where do some boys put their brains?....

so DS is grounded FOREVER!!!!

 

[emvickrey]

Quote:
I agree with you on this. I have an only child that is now 29 and i'm still teaching her right from wrong.

I did the grounding, to no end talks, even sent her to Juvenile Hall. Nothing worked. She was on drugs, sleeping with adult men, running off for days, I would get cussed out like a dog everyday and she would even hit me. She would go nuts. I would pin her down until she calmed down to keep either of us form getting hurt. I tried to get her help but was always put on a waiting list. It was a total nighmare. God knew what he was doing when he only gave me 1 child. I wouldn't survived anymore. We put her in different schools so she wouldn't be around the friends that I thought influenced her and it never helped. She always managed to find the same kind of friends. The hange has to be at your sons own will. He will rebel harder and harder if you try to make him change. It will only get worse.

I suggest community service at a nursing home, talk to your local police and see if there is a program where he can see where his livestyle will lead him. Years in prison with no family or friends, having to fight to survive. That kind of prison. Let other prisoners talk to him about what they did and what they have gone through and that they wouldn't have done it if they realized what the consequences where. How running from the cops is no life etc..

I never got her out of trouble when she got herself caught. She knew not to call me because I would not help. I made her face her consequences. Tough Love. I spend years worrying and cried so many tears for fear I would get a call one day. That call no parent wants. She bore 3 boys all while doing drugs and running around. Her first one she got pregnant right after she turned 21, married the man and he left her when the baby was 2 weeks old. She did good until the baby reached 6 months old then she went wild again. We raised him for a few years then the father got custody and still has him. He is 11 now. The second baby was a crack baby and we raised him until this year in May when he went to live with her. He is 8 now. The third baby is the one that straightened her out. She lived with us during pregnancy and a few months after and decided to act up a little. She found out that Mom and Dad meant business. She got back with that babies daddy and straightened up and now has her middle son back in her custody. She does good. She is off the drugs and doesn't even allow anybody around that does them or any old friends. She is working on getting her eldest back now.

So, your son could straighten up and fly right before he turns 18 or not. It all depends on him. Teenagers are difficult for everybody in one way or another. I don't believe it is always the parents fault. I never influenced what my daughter did, nor did I ignore it. I learned to not sweat the small stuff, concentrate on the major things, life threatening things. My mission was to keep her alive and not pregnant until she turned 18. It was up to her what she did with her life after that. She was homeless alot, but as long as she was doing drugs she wasn't allowed around here and knew it.

If you tell your son your gonna do something, do it. Think about what you say before you say it and be rational. Don't speak to him out of anger and don't say things you will regret and he won't ever forget or forgive. Keep the bridge clear and above water. You may want to get him counseling if possible. It may help to talk to somebody that he knows what he says is all in confidence. Try to do things as a family as much as possible so he won't be out there with those friends doing things he shouldn't be doing. Try to find out what he enjoys doing that you can do together or at least be involved with. If he finds something else he loves to do he may find friends that love it too and lure him away from the direction he's going.

I hope this helps. I know it's coming form somebody that it took 19 years for their chil to wake up and smell the roses but like I said. It's up to them to change. They have to want to not want to have to. When our babies cross that road they are taken by Aliens called the teenaged demons. When they give them back is up to them. That is what it seems like anyway. They're our precious babies one day and the next they are somebody you don't know anymore.

As far as ratting on his friends, that's small stuff. It's loyalty to a friend which we all have. I wouldn't punish him for that. Snitched get their butts kicked or worse. The problem lies in what HE got caught doing and what HE had in his possesion, not the other kids. That is for their parents to worry about. Only concentrate on your son. It will be enough to deal with without involving somebody elses child. OH, and don't call the other kids parents and rat them out unless they are friends of yours and will not tell their child where they got their info. It will only make it worse for your son and he will hate you for it. Been there done that, big mistake.

Tough love and don't give in. Your the boss, not the child. I made my mistakes with mine and know where I made them. I didn't realize it at the time but I do now and I try to give advice not only on what I did but what not to do because that is where I made my mistakes. I would tell her I couldn't wait for her to turn 18. She was getting luggage for her 18th birthday. You are not going to do or see such n such or so n so. I spoke out of anger and we would fight. She hit me, I hit back because I always believed a child should never his their parents. Hitting back didn't help at all. Trying to force her to do chores, locking her in her bedroom and nailing the windows shut when she was grounded. I even locked up the phones when I left the house to keep her off them when she was grounded. The police said that It was legal to lock her in her room as long as she was fed, had a bed to sleep in and bathroom privlages. LIke jail. That just made things worse.