Can I have some hugs and encouragements???

[EweSheep]

Update!

Went to court today....the judge dismissed the order without prejudice. He has reveiwed all the reports being submitted to him. He found that hubby HAS been going to counseling and doing well on the progress and felt that we will be OK. And I had to change medications on daughter for her ADHD/AS because it was not working anymore, so the judge took that also in consideration.

Glad it went well for us but we have to make the repairs and start healing with both daughter and father. Economics, lack of jobs, security losses, and family communication broke down........as he puts it, put a real strain on families across the nation.

So tired.........exhausted from all this ordeal for 15 days....sigh! Now its a matter of time when hubby is comfortable coming back home and start a new day and continue his counseling. I want to keep our marriage but understand if hubby wants "out" if he didn't feel like it would go anywhere. But he was very remorseful and he demanded counseling the next day after the incident. AND on top of it, my own family would get into a tizzy fit if they find out about it.

Not everyone would have an outcome like this...not easy for the judge to reveiw and go over the notes of previous couples, going thru divorces, or separations, etc. and decide case by case decision and keeping mind of welfare/safety of ALL parties involved. Thank God Im not a judge! As one clerk downstairs puts it, many ADHD parents or of ADHD kids, usually could be salvaged if they go couseling and have successes with it understanding why ADHD is awful and damaging.

Now it is time to heal and move forward........we have alot of catching up to do!

 

[BigBearMama]

I have been going through this in court for over two years now. It is a very long and painful road. My now ex-husband has been diagnosed with many different things over the years, now Bi-polar psychotic disorder. I have two young boys. I hated advice at the time, but I feel I gotta give you some anyway. Love can only do so much, protect yourself and kids, never drop your guard, and keep extremely detailed records of absolutely everything. The ups and downs of medication and therapy are difficult both for him and for your family. It will be ever changing and a constant battle. Remorse only lasts him until the next time he can't control himself. Saving my marriage was always the goal for both of us, but in the end the safety of myself and my children was more important. We struggled for many years before our separation with this as well. Find a women's domestic violence center because they have many services that can help you and your children for free. Get you and your kids the most help you can even while he is trying to work on himself whether he approves or not. I wish I had done this so much sooner than I did. You will need the support and guidance of qualified professionals. Family and friends no matter how well meaning just don't know what to say and do for you. He will go through phases of extreme compliance followed by desperation, anger, blaming and fighting. If you want to be able to protect you and your children in court you must keep records and build a case. Love your husband support his efforts but stay vigilant if not for yourself then for your children. When he threatens you or your children you must call the police every time with no exception. If you do not want to arrest you can insist he be evaluated for a 5150 psych hold. That will get him the help and you 72 hours in peace to decide how to proceed. I know how hard it is but don't get caught off guard. You will never know what your husband is capable of until he is doing things you never imagined possible to the very people he professes to love the most. Love is not controlling you husband his disease is. If, when things turn really ugly and the courts are involved you must have records/ proof to be able to protect your children even temporarily. I hope this helps. I so understand your pain. I will pray for you. Give it time, patience, understanding, but most of all get YOURSELF help. As people we are not endless wells, we need to be replenished to be able to continue giving.

 

[dewey]

You are probably aware of this, that "dismissed without prejudice" means the opposite of what it sounds like. It means that the case was not permanently dismissed...more like the case is pending based on future actions by the involved parties. It can be picked back up.

I hope that both you and your child are receiving top notch domestic violence counseling from DV experts in that field and that you both have advocates, both for yourselves and before the court. There's never a reason for a child to shoulder any of the blame for an adult's actions and lack of self control. The "first" major incident is typically just a precursor to the lifelong patterns that the future holds in store, although there's usually been many overlooked red flags that proceeded a "first" incident.

Hoping the best for you and your child.

 

[EweSheep]

You are probably aware of this, that "dismissed without prejudice" means the opposite of what it sounds like. It means that the case was not permanently dismissed...more like the case is pending based on future actions by the involved parties. It can be picked back up.

I hope that both you and your child are receiving top notch domestic violence counseling from DV experts in that field and that you both have advocates, both for yourselves and before the court. There's never a reason for a child to shoulder any of the blame for an adult's actions and lack of self control. The "first" major incident is typically just a precursor to the lifelong patterns that the future holds in store, although there's usually been many overlooked red flags that proceeded a "first" incident.

Hoping the best for you and your child.

Dewey, yep, we are aware of it. That is why the judge isn't going to take it lightly next time...... and hubby knows it. Believe it or not, we DONT have the best DV advocates here in Decatur...shamefully understaffed, overworked, burned out and staff cutbacks...unbelieveable numbers have increased so much in the last few years and this year is the worst for DV advocates/mentor programs to service victims. Some of the shelters are closing or turning them away. Low income housing are a rarity....public aid is overwhelmed with sheer numbers that it took them days to process an application and repeated denials.

The advocate I had, was so behind in responding(texts, cell phone calls) so I made my complaints to the shelter. No response for seven days until I went to court by myself. I've overheard some of the staff and women there were saying the same thing as I was thinking, lack of caring staff. Sure they are helpful in getting you in the emergency order but they "dump" you on the wayside during court and after court. You can be sure I won't be using them anymore. I'll go elsewhere for that IF it happens again.

 

[dewey]

That's really an awful shame that there wasn't a strong DV support system in place for you. The economy has so deeply impacted everything. Hoping you can locate local DV support maybe even online. I can only imagine how drained and exhausted you both must feel after experiencing such a scary situation and everything else that followed. Hoping you get some rest.

 

[EweSheep]

All of us was and still is emotionally and physically drained. My daughter didn't sleep well all that time either.

All of us shall rest good tonight. I never had so much support from our friends and they were so jubliant of the outcome and wish us luck from here on out. As for my family... I never saw such hatred that they were telling my daughter things that was blantantly lying.....or very very false on their "assumptions" that had no base of truth in it. My counselor was advising me and my daughter NOT let anyone "badmouth" daddy and walk away. It has hurt my daughter badly in hearing that. I don't know which one has started it but it was upsetting to my daughter and of course my husband.

 

[schellie69]

Glad that things are working out for you keeping you and your family in my prayers.

 

[justbugged]

I am so sorry that you both have to go through this. At least your daughter has someone that will defend her, and that cares enough to teach her that it's okay to not accept abuse.

 

[michickenwrangler]

How's it going?

 

[EweSheep]

Happy to say, we are back together! He has been gone to counseling, took the ADHD tests last night and he is getting much better in handling his anger and daughter is still confused about why Daddy isn't angry anymore even she tried to push his buttons LOL!

Counseling for both of them will be in the long term because of almost five years of "wrong" counseling that needs to be "undone" and both hubby and daughter HAS to work on their issues that causes the conflict in the first place.

My own family, particuarly the female side, still resists...nothing I can do about it except look after hubby and daughter and their well being and health is more important than to appease the paranoia they all have been stirring up.

Hubby is still employed but he has a better outlook and a goal!