Child of divorce-I HATE switching houses!

[nivtup]

I am from a mixed family, we were thrust together when I was around the age of 12.

I am now the Father / Step Father in a mixed family. Several children involved of ages varying from 13 to 25.

Things are tough.

There are so many perspectives of what happened, and what is happening. Not everybody is happy all of the time, some are not happy most of the time.

It is touch to watch. It is tough to not be able to "fix" things.

It is tough to arrange things so everyone is happy, without the playing favorites thing cropping up.

I wish the OP the best of luck. Communicate openly with your parents (which includes step parents). Be respectful.

They may have a different perspective, allow them that, but explain yours.


Good luck.

 

[eenie114]

Quote:
I do that and Dad'll get out the shotgun.

But I'll keep it in mind for 15 or so years into the future...

As for showing them this post, I may not do just that, but each will be getting a personal email. You guys are right, I should not procrastinate action any more.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
Don't forget to take good care of you too... You can still date even despite your decision and when you feel like you've taken care of yourself too, your kids will know to do that for themselves too. I've got friends who have forgotten to do this and it has caused their kids to be neurotic over having a spouse in the future. I won't argue not to put a step into your kids life cause my mother chose some of the biggest idiots to marry after her divorce with my dad but it is important to remember, you need special treatment too.

My son is 21 now and my Ken and I have been together for 3 years. It was worth waiting for.

 

[chickened]

Sorry I guess I should have asked your age, is it just my bad eye sight but I thought that was a blond boy with a red shirt in your picture to your left. Sucks getting old.
Quote:
I do that and Dad'll get out the shotgun.

But I'll keep it in mind for 15 or so years into the future...

As for showing them this post, I may not do just that, but each will be getting a personal email. You guys are right, I should not procrastinate action any more.

 

[babylady4]

My parents split when I was 1 1/2 and I do not remember them being married. There is a whole saga behind the divorce and the subsequent lack of a father in the formative years of my life that would take way too long to explain here......

Anyway; your parents should NEVER bash each other in front of you or any other kids in the house. I thought that at a certain age a child could choose who they wished to live with.

I do agree with the others on here, you do need to have a sit down with both of them and air your feelings. They need to know.

 

[HHandbasket]

Be glad you even know both of your parents. My father cheated on my mother, and she divorced him when she was pregnant with me. It made her so mad, she never let him see me. At all. I met him a week before my 22nd birthday. My mother was angry at me for years for even talking to my father. I'm sure she rolls over in her grave now every time I talk to him.

 

[eenie114]

Quote:
I do that and Dad'll get out the shotgun.

But I'll keep it in mind for 15 or so years into the future...

As for showing them this post, I may not do just that, but each will be getting a personal email. You guys are right, I should not procrastinate action any more.


Oh, sorry if it's confusing. In the avatar is me in the pink, and in the red is my little sister right after she cut her own hair.

 

[chickened]

Well that makes me feel better. I am from a divorced home my father left my mother with 4 kids when I was 4. I never really remember it bothering me until later in life say about my mid 20's. My step brother was showered with all he wanted and has never really amounted to anything to this day. My stepmother hated us kids and her own for that matter. I just learned to accept the situation and not judge anyone for what they did as they felt it was what they should be doing at the time. I would encourage you to talk to them and don't bottle it up inside you. I am a father and fathers do love their kids but don't always show it in the same way. Oh and sometimes we are just oblivious.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Lots of good ideas here.

I don't know how often or when you change houses, but altering the timing might be helpful. It sounds like you are not in school when you are at your dad's, but your siblings are? How near to each other do your parents live? That, at least in part, will make altering the schedule more or less difficult: two miles apart is a lot easier to reschedule than is 2000 miles.

When you visit your dad's, you need to be spending time with him, especially if the visits are fewer, longer visits. Stay up late or get up early so that y'all actually get to spend time togetehr, not just living in the same house but rarely actually communicating becuase one or the other is asleep. Taking vacation time to spend with you is a very reasonable thing for him to do. You also need to be forging relationships with your step-siblings: fun things that jsut the kids do (a night at the pizza parlor or a movie--no parents invited, or something similar), helping younger ones with their homework or reading to them or even just playing board games or puzzles.


Also, your dad needs to know that by comparing you with his stepkids, he is creating difficulties and resentment for ALL of you. Comparisons work well only when each party feels equally praised, and that is darn difficult to do. There is a reason that parentling books say to not compare kids with each other. Likewise, your mother should not be commenting and complaining about your father to you. If she has an ssue with him, she needs to address him with it directly, and keep you OUT of the loop. It is NOT fair to you.

All kids need household chores; it makes them a PART of the home; not just a guest. Doesn't have to be huge amounts of chores, but reasonable based upon age and ability or talent. Chores are also how a child learns how to maintain and clean and all sorts of necessary life skills. At your mom's, it sounds like you have a LOT of chores. If you have difficulty remembering them, a written chart or checklist would be helpful.

Sweetie, you cannot solve the problem, that is up to your parents and step parents, but you can start the ball rolling. I do think that a serious letter might be better than a verbal discussion, first because you can address each one, not just one parent or set, but also becuase you can put down everything you are feeling all at once, and keep editing and revising it until it says exactly what you want, and you won't accidentally leave anythign left unspoken.

 

[quintinp]

wow... i feel like this should be my thread, lol i am torn between my mom, and my dad, i never knew my dad, and when i was eleven years old, i found out who he was through a DNA test, he was my father, and he is a game junkie, he doesn't work, and it is always drama when i go over to his house, at my mother's house it is okay, i have my animals at her house, so i enjoy being at her house, i call her house my home, and my dad's house is (Dad's House) it is no fun going over to his house, and his two kids are such liars, they are getting older, so they dont lie as much, but i was blamed multiple times for stuff i have never done, and on top of that my dad is a drunk, always drinking, 24/7 it is outrageous how much alcohol a human can ingest a single day, wow,,,, and in the recent year he lost over a hundred pounds, and started going out to clubs and bars, so i have to be baby sitter, when i come over too his house, and after he was gone all the time when i went over to his house, it was a bout two years after i met the man, that my mom decided he should have to pay child support, i am on her side, he helped with nothing at all, now i go over to his house, he asks me all different questions about my life at my mom's house, and just recently, i was at his house and he asked me what my mom spends all the child support money on..........................................

wow, is this a question to ask your kid that you seldom see, is he trying to drive me away,,,,,,,, by the way i am a guy, not a girl, just felt i had the right to VENT