Child of divorce-I HATE switching houses!

[justbugged]

Well eenie when you are at your dads place, you are more than welcome to walk over here and hang out with me. I can always find something to do.

Heck I would let you live here.

 

[booker81]

to you all!!

I'm not a child of divorce, but my half sibs are from my dad's first marriage. It's taken YEARS for all of us to finally get cohesive and close.

My dad wasn't a good person when he was younger, and definately wasn't a good father or husband.

He did a lot of things wrong - abusive, drunk, gone a lot, just a deadbeat.

He left his first wife and kids (my half brother and sister), pretty much homeless. More bad stuff. I don't know what happened, but he decided to clean up. He met my mom while learning to become sober (AA), and they've been married 30 years now.

My older brother and sister (his kids from that marriage), had a LOT of resentment. My younger brother and I weren't raised in an abusive and neglected household, we actually had a lot of love and caring. They would visit and hate that he was a much better father for our young childhood than he was for theirs. My mom was only 12 years older than my older sister, and she really tried to not be a "mom" to her since it wasn't really fair to step in like that.

About 15 years ago, Dad got really, really sick, and spent a year in the hospital, most of it in a coma. He survived, and we brought him home in a hospital bed. He didn't recognize any of us kids at all. He doesn't remember much of anything. However, at one point he started crying hard, and begged my younger brother and I to come over to him, and he apologized up and down about how horrible he was to us, and how he can never ask for forgiveness for what he did but he's so sorry, and that he wishes he could go back in time and be a better father. Of course, my younger brother and I were totally confused. We had no clue what he was raving about.

A couple years later I started getting closer to my older brother, after I had moved out of the house. We started hanging out on weekends, and he started being really a "brother" and not my "half-brother". I finally remembered that day with Dad. I told him I though that back when Dad was sick, he though my younger brother and I were actually my older sibs. I told him what Dad said, and he completely broke down and cried. We also decided to share with my older sister. After that is when I learned of how bad their childhood was, and the abuse they had.

We are all much closer now, and a big family. I talk to my brother and his fiancee a few times a week, and my sister a couple times a month. They call my mom, "Mom", and our family is finally complete.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, other than sometimes, parents screw up massively, and perhaps down the road, long down the road, they'll look back and apologize for acting how they did

I also know my younger brother and I annoyed the daylights out of my older brother and sister - they are 12 and 14 years older than us, so when were were crazy obnoxious little kids, they were teenagers. We would pester them to no end. Now, my "Big Brother" is one of my best friends, probably my best friend after my husband.

Time heals a lot of wounds, even if it takes 20 years

 

[turney31]

Eenie, I think you need to give your parents a copy of your post. It has been an eye opener to me.

 

[Heckel's Hens]

Quote:
I think it can vary a lot. I was raised by my father and stepmother, with 2 biological siblings, 3 step-siblings and 1 half-sibling.

I am BY FAR closest to my step-sisters. We were all raised equally. It still stunk to do the "2 houses" thing, but children learn quickly which house they prefer, and it certainly isn't always the "fun house"!!!

 

[eenie114]

Quote:
That sounds like my dad.

Except I wish he WOULD stop. Take me to the library, for the love of cochins!

I do not need to go to a movie, or shopping with my stepmom, or or or or or or. I walk the dog a lot. It's refreshing. Camping is the worst.

Well eenie when you are at your dads place, you are more than welcome to walk over here and hang out with me. I can always find something to do.

Heck I would let you live here.

I dunno how your husband would feel about that, but hey, it's nice to have options.

 

[KimberlyJ]

Quote:
As a Step-Mom I second this. I married my husband when "our" kids were 14, 16, and 18. (I've never had any kids of my own) Because they were so old when we got married we never really made them switch homes, they simply came to visit when they could. It's not easy being the step parent at all. So showing me a post like this would be a good start to a conversation that may make things easier for eveyone. Just try not to get all emotional and remain calm and respectful. There are lots of ways of communicting nowadays that wouldn't require relocating all the time. Howabout making a BIG effort to keep dad in the loop with emails, phone calls, texts, and visits that don't require up rooting yourself? Fewer but longer visits?

I also want to add that from your previous posts I didn't realize you still lived at home. I thought you were a grown up! You seem very sensible, mature and articulate. I wish you luck in managing this. I'll be thinking of you!

KimberlyJ

 

[sheila3935]

being a mother to biological and step(by the way I hate that word) children can be a challenge. My DH and I amrried 12 years ago I had 2 girls from a previous and he had 3. They all lived with us. One thing I would never and still do not do is bash the other parent in front of the kids. We got enough of that from them. I have always tried to treat all my children equally but individually. I took the time to get to know all my kids and there individual personalities. All of mine are grown and all but one live away from home, but we are a large loving family. The kids refer to each other as their brothers and sisters. It is hard on all involved to blend a family and as a parent it is my responsibility to help things move smoothly. I am sorry you are having a rough time but talk to both parents let them know your feelings. We are not mind readers and sometimes life gets in the way for us to be able to see what is happening in front of our own noses. My kids know they can talk to me about anything and they do. When my oldest son and his girlfriend got pregnant they came to me first. It wasnt easy for them or me but they knew I wouldnt judge and I would help them figure it out. TALK that is the most important thing you can do.

 

[Urbanfarmerkc]

Quote:
Don't forget to take good care of you too... You can still date even despite your decision and when you feel like you've taken care of yourself too, your kids will know to do that for themselves too. I've got friends who have forgotten to do this and it has caused their kids to be neurotic over having a spouse in the future. I won't argue not to put a step into your kids life cause my mother chose some of the biggest idiots to marry after her divorce with my dad but it is important to remember, you need special treatment too.

 

[Urbanfarmerkc]

Howabout making a BIG effort to keep dad in the loop with emails, phone calls, texts, and visits that don't require up rooting yourself? Fewer but longer visits?

Just remember us dads have a big stake in your lives too and we miss you kids awful when you aren't with us. I know it is hard to understand and most of us don't know how to express that to you very well but if you'll take the extra time with us, we'll definitely make it worth your time in the future... We'll do things like, make sure your oil is checked in your car, make sure your boyfriend is toeing the line, worry about you all the time, talk your mom/step-mom out of being crazy when things are just normal and all that kinda stuff.

We ain't perfect but we can be useful.

 

[chickened]

Get married start a family for starters the other stuff in your life will take a backseat. That is what I did and in the end have a better relationship with step mother and step brother.