Child of divorce-I HATE switching houses!

[Anna_B_Happy]

Hi There,

I am the step-mother to two kids. I married their dad when the kids were 5 and 7. They are 14 and 15 now.

I see EXACTLY what you are speaking about happen in our mixed family. The kid's Mom also remarried and the step-brother (mom's husband's new son) is treated differently (with less discipline) at their house. This causes my step-kids to feel 2nd best.

Another problem is that we expect the kids to act their age (teens) and have some responsibility, while at the other house, the kids are treated much younger (since the step-brother is young). When they return to our house, they bicker like very young kids for the first day (pushing, shoving), don't do chores or homework etc.

I asked a counselor what we could do to help ease the pressure on the kids. We were told to:

1. Consider how hard it is for the kids to make the switch from house to house, when the rules are so different. We have been having more patience on the first day, and lowering our expectations a bit to make it easier on the kids to transition. We have also talked to them about this, too, so we are on the same page about how (we all think) the first day should go.

2. Dont talk "bad" about the other family as this causes further stress. Instead, when the kids complain about the other family, we say things like "I can see that must suck, but we know your Mom loves you and is doing her best, why dont you talk to her about it". I think they mostly want to vent and dont really expect us to solve every problem.

3. Constantly talking. We talk every night at dinner. And I mean really talk, laugh, have fun. If there are issues that day, if I notice a behavior I am concerned about, I ask about it. I listen too. Everyone gets a turn to say how they feel about a topic. I also share with the kids all about the things I messed up as a teen, so they can see how you can overcome mistakes. Believe me, there are not too many mistakes they could make that I or their father did not make as teens! Mistakes dont define you. We talk about all kinds of things, some serious, some funny.

Maybe talk to your parents about meeting with a family counselor for a few sessions to help you talk through some of these things if you have trouble talking to your parents alone? Many employer health plans will pay for it. It only took us a couple of sessions (we didnt take the kids) to get some good advice. When we told the kids we were seeing a counselor, our son who felt a lot like you, asked to see a counselor (on his own) and we have been allowing him to go on his own. Why not? He says he is working on building goals for himself, and social skills, and how to deal with his parents and "being divorced".

So, I guess my point is that this is very common in mixed families. You are not alone. And better yet, you will grow up in a few years and move off to college or whatever you have planned for your adult life. Please do consider college as this will give you more time away from your family to finish growing into the adult version of yourself.

Goodluck.

Anna

 

[Anna_B_Happy]

Quote:
You do have the right to vent. As you can see from this post, there are many caring people who can offer advice based on their experiences. It sounds like your situation is less than perfect. It also sounds like your Dad may be curious about how is money is spent (meaning is it spent on you? or perhaps he is worried your mom is not using it for you?) or he may be resentful about having to pay support, at all. If he is drunk while you are in his care, it may make sense to ask your Mom to come pick you up. Perhaps you should discuss this with your Mom?

 

[Urbanfarmerkc]

Just tell him food, clothes, and stuff like that... You could say, you might be able to go to the thrift store if he is struggling... I understand why that upset you, it would me too. Sorry for assuming you were a girl... not sure why???? Anyway, I'd confront him on that and tell him the child support thing is something between him and your mom and please leave you out of it. Of course, be respectful but you can also tell him it upsets you to be put in the middle.

Again, sorry this is so hard.

 

[SillyChicken]

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[justbugged]

Quote:
That sounds like my dad.

Except I wish he WOULD stop. Take me to the library, for the love of cochins!

I do not need to go to a movie, or shopping with my stepmom, or or or or or or. I walk the dog a lot. It's refreshing. Camping is the worst.

Well eenie when you are at your dads place, you are more than welcome to walk over here and hang out with me. I can always find something to do.

Heck I would let you live here.

I dunno how your husband would feel about that, but hey, it's nice to have options.

I can always find something for the DH to do.

But I think that he would really like you, so you can still hang out if you want. Oh and we don't camp any more.

We are now stay home bodies.

Well not DH, I make him go to work.

 

[justbugged]

It is so interesting to read all the posts here. Some have excellent advice, and others are simply commenting from their own experience, rather than from knowing anything about the OP's life or circumstances. It can be a good thing to learn that others have it much harder than ourselves, in as much as we then being to learn empathy rather than sympathy. These are two related but different emotions.

I do know that for the OP there is number of large physical differences, between her parent's homes, and that has to be difficult to handle at times. Her parents homes are located in not only different states, but in also one in the city and one in the country. She has I believe step-siblings, and half-siblings, that she is incredibly very fond of, but makes the changes between homes difficult also. Eenie has to be missing half of them all the time. It is difficult to homeschool, when ones siblings are in the public school system. There is a huge gap between public school, and homeschooling. I am a mother that has done both kinds of schooling with my children so I have seen and known this first hand.

I have rarely met a young person that I have liked so well, as I do eenie. She is a special to me as any one of my own children. I don't know what it is really like for her, I just know that under the circumstances that she has been living with, is, and will be living with for a number of more years, that she is truly a remarkable person. It shames me to know that I would not be as nice or as gracious of a person as she is. I just hope that she knows that no matter what, that I for one will be on her side. I may not be physically when she is in the other State, but if needed I would be for her in a heartbeat.

I really hope that if you did send e-mails to your parents, that only the best will come from that information. You are a treasure that should never be taken for granted. In every family there are times when we take one another for granted, or we are upset about unrelated things and take it out on those closest to us. But a child like you is nothing more than a miracle in this world. I know that all I see is that you are a true blessing in this life. I simply pray that your parent can see that too.

With much love from your much older semi nutty friend forever justbugged.

 

[marky1]

For children, divorce can be stressful, sad and confusing. At any age, kids may feel uncertain about what life will be like, or angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up for good. Divorce isn’t easy, but as a parent you can make the process and its effects less painful for your children.

 

[welsummerchicks]

Since you're the nerd, I bet you can pull this off.

Tell your parents that according to family dynamics research, comparing you to your siblings and complaining about the other parent, will do you irreparable psychological harm.

 

[eenie114]

Quote:
I just may do this.

I still haven't sent the email, I want to get the wording just right. (Read: I'm a paranoid, I-just-want-to-hope-it-will-all-blow-over kind of person.

)

JB: No! Don't make me cry!

I'm really not that great of a person. I promise.

Dang it, see what you did? Now I'll have the warm-fuzzies all day and be an emotional wreck.

 

[SourRoses]

Well I dont know about chiming in now that Justbugged has made an excellent point that others cannot really understand where you are coming from when they haven't met you... but I did want to add something here that may not have been thought of...
You do sound like an extremely intelligent, mature girl. Dont let yourself be held back by feelings of guilt for the emotions of your step sibs. It is wonderful to try and understand things from their perspective, and empathize with them. But that doesent mean you should hold back on things that may make you happy, make you feel constructive. If they really feel you are acting superior because you enjoy having more useful tasks to do, they are probably going to feel that way no matter what you do. Theres no reason to deny yourself something when others could just as easily join in on the same thing. So Im just saying, dont feel guilty for being who you are and doing what you like to do.
My brother and I were raised together before the divorce and after lived full time in seperate homes (him with dad, me with mom) and we were raised very differently. To this day, and we are both adults now, he is bothered about "what I got that he didn't".... a very long list of complaints... when had he ever showed an interest in an activity or a certain good behaviour for a privilege (depending on what in the list it is) he could have just as easily joined in. We became friends for a while after we both became adults... and it took me a long time to finally realize that his choices, were not my fault. He still has not learned accountability for himself (or his 3 young kids).
Well, maybe if you set a good example, your sibs will follow it, and learn earlier on in their lives that they are responsible for the choices they make, not everyone else around them? Think about it?