(ex)-boyfriend problems, advice needed

[mom'sfolly]

Break-ups suck...that's the fact.

The more you talk about your relationship, the more it seems like you checked out on him..."it's going to end anyway, so why bother". When you decided to give him an ultimatum, you should have been prepared for him to take you up on it. It almost seems that you deliberately undermined the relationship until you gave your ultimatum; it makes it seem like the whole breakup is on his shoulders. If you value something, you don't undermine it, you nurture it.

He's done. He's a nice guy so he said he would think about things. And he will. He will be making the same choices that you should be pondering: what do you want in a boy/girl friend, what qualities make them worth spending time with, what qualities annoy the poop out of you, what qualities make you laugh, make you joyful, make you care, and what qualities do you bring to the couple, what do you want your partner to see in you.

I've been married 25 years, to the guy who typed my term papers. It is a constant learning process, and he still surprises me. Everyone gets in ruts, plays games that don't work, gets resentful, gets silly about stupid stuff; realizing that all that stuff is counter productive is one of the things that makes long term relationships possible. Game playing, even more than infidelity, ruins relationships. If you can't be honest and un-manipulative; no relationship will ever work long term.

So put on your big girl panties, and move on. You do this by not going looking for photos, by derailing the would/could/should have been thoughts before they get started, by being busy enough to not think and by spending time with friends.

And if you get advice that you don't like, look for the truth in it, and ignore the rest. Many times we are most irritated by the stuff that hits closest to the mark.

Good luck.

 

[77horses]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I have another question...Okay, so about a month ago, this guy started talking to me. I didn't really talk much to him at all or anything because it was when me and my ex were dating, and I was faithful to him so I tried to never flirt with other guys, even if they tried to flirt with me in the first place. Well, he stopped talking to me for a bit, but right after me and my ex broke up, he started talking to me again. Now he talks to me and flirts with me a lot over messages. He goes to my school, but I've never had a chance to have a real conversation with him in person because he has a completely different schedule than me (so I never see him in the halls, maybe I'll pass by him once or twice at the most but that's it), and neither of us have actually started making an actual effort to talk to each other. I know he might like me because he talks to me and compliments me, but I'm not sure how I feel about him because for one, I'm still not over my ex and secondly, I don't really know him that well at all. What I do know is he's really into skateboarding (he goes to state competitions and such) and he seems really quiet. I don't know what kind of people he hangs out with, if he's into drugs, etc.
The thing is, he asked me to hangout with him and some other people at one of his bonfire parties this summer at his house. I know he lives in the same town as me, but I don't know where exactly and I don't know who will be at the party, what it will be like, etc. If there are any drugs/alcohol there (which I will make sure to ask him about ahead of time), I won't go. I'm just not into that stuff and I won't get involved with someone who is. I'm definitely going to be careful and everything, but if it seems safe to go, should I? He seems like an okay guy and I think it would be fun to just hangout and get to know him. I'm not going to make any drastic decisions and start dating other people right now, because I know I'm not ready yet, and the last thing I want to have is one of those rebound relationships. But if it seems safe to go, should I?

 

[chickened]

When a high school guy asks a girl to hang out at a party at his house it usually means friends with benefits. You want commitment get married you want to flounder from guy to guy keep what you are doing. There is an old but true saying... "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free".

Ask yourself this question... do I want a guy that I can be proud of or a guy that wants me to be there when he wants me there. Ask your grandmother what to look for in a man. Don't let yourself get in the same situation you just left which is where you are headed if you act on what you are asking about.

 

[77horses]

When a high school guy asks a girl to hang out at a party at his house it usually means friends with benefits. You want commitment get married you want to flounder from guy to guy keep what you are doing. There is an old but true saying... "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free".

Ask yourself this question... do I want a guy that I can be proud of or a guy that wants me to be there when he wants me there. Ask your grandmother what to look for in a man. Don't let yourself get in the same situation you just left which is where you are headed if you act on what you are asking about.

I completely get what you're saying. I'm not going to get involved with just any guy in the first place. My ex was my first boyfriend; before him, I had never been on a real date with anyone. Why? Because I have actual standards. I'm not saying I'm stuck-up and am really picky about the smallest things with a guy, I'm just saying I do have respect for myself when it comes to getting involved with guys.And there's no way I want to be friends with benefits. If any guy is going to ask me to hangout, I want to get to know him first of all. I feel like hanging out but not doing anything like kissing (or "benefits") would be a good place to start. How else am I suppose to get to know someone without talking to them and being around them?? Isn't that how you get to know them. "Benefits" doesn't always have to be the way to get to know someone.
Of course, all that's based on whether I just got out of a long term relationship or not. Since the current case is that I am still getting over someone right now, I still hold these standards to myself, but I also need to consider whether or not I'm ready to get involved with a guy again. Honestly, I don't think I am ready because, I'm obviously still not completely over my ex, and I still want it to workout with him (but only if he wants it to workout, too). I'm still waiting for him, but I'm not going to wait forever. I know I should wait and get myself together, and that's what I plan on trying to do. But does that mean I have to give up possible opportunities to meet new people?


Also, another guy that I know (who is more of a friend, compared the guy I don't really know who asked to hangout) asked me if I wanted to go to the movies. -_- Why are they all the sudden giving me all this attention? I'm not even that much of an outgoing person...And please don't get the wrong impression of me, I don't go around and flirt with a ton of guys. I barely even talk to them. I'm friendly and I treat everyone the same. So why are all these guys suddenly interested in me? haha I don't know what to do, I definitely don't want to lead a bunch of guys on and make them think I like them, but I feel bad if I say "no" to something like going to the movies. I feel like I should avoid getting involved with anyone right now, but you guys said I should get my mind off my ex and not let the thought of him make me miss opportunities. So I feel like meeting new people (not getting romantically involved, just going out once in a while and getting to know them as friends and seeing where it goes) is a good way to get my mind off things and move on. Right???

 

[chickened]

Word gets out quick when you become available, texting, facebook etc. I have a few nieces that went though the same thing and it just killed me to see them go on the emotional rollercoaster when a few self imposed rules would have done wonders.



It is encouraging to hear that you have a good sense about you when it comes to boys, that is something surely lacking in todays youth. It also sounds like you are thinking not feeling which is great. Good luck, I am sure you will do what is best.

ETA... do not ever feel bad about saying NO for some guys you need to be blunt.

 

[jamesbwood]

I feel like I should avoid getting involved with anyone right now,

I feel like you should trust that feeling and you should use this time to work on you. I believe the advice was to go hang out with your GIRL friends. And your chickens. I don't think anyone recommend guys!!! If you don't give yourself time to process what happened and think about who you are and who you want to be, I believe that you are very likely to repeat the same/similar mistakes and/or not have deep relationships.

If you are attractive and perceived to be available, 17 year old guys are going to hit on you. It is perfectly fine to say "I just broke up with my ex and am taking some time off from dating" (assuming you are). Be nice, be honest but get your own internal house in order before you jump in again.

James

 

[redhen]

77 you have to follow your gut on this one.
I know for MYSELF... it made me feel better and less depressed/lonely if i went out with friends... or even said yes to a date. It occupied my mind and kept me busy.
You're young,..go out and meet people and have FUN!

 

[goldies99]

sounds to me like you are already on the right foot!...good for you!!...and YES...go out and meet lots of new friends...BUT...be "UP FRONT" right from the start!...tell the guy you dont want to get involved...you just want to meet new friends and get to know them...and see where it may lead....that way no one can come back on you and tell you.. "you lead me on"....this is your time to shine...your young and a beautiful person!...go out and learn all you can, and have fun while you do it!....and who knows...if your X starts to see how much fun your having and that you seem to be a changed girl.....maybe the you will end up back together, if it is meant to be....or maybe you will find another guy, and find out you really didnt want to be with your X after all!!!....remember...the chase is always better then the catch!!!!

 

[77horses]

Thanks everyone for the advice!
Still haven't heard from my ex. One of my friends told me that he was at church today, with a group of his friends (which is a surprise, since he's been too busy to go lately and I thought he would've avoided going in the first place if I'm usually there), but I was away camping all weekend so I happened to not be at church today. Probably a good thing, since it probably would've been really awkward seeing each other there. Plus I got to go camping with my family for a little bit, and it was good to get away from everything (even if I still think about him a lot anyways :/)
As for the two guys who have been talking to me recently, they're still talking to me. I'm trying not to lead either of them on, just talking to them like I would with any of my other friends, and if they try to be more than friends then I'm going to have to tell them that they're nice and everything but I'm not looking to be in a relationship with anyone right now because I'm still getting over some stuff with my ex. But we can still talk and just be friends.
So yeah, still just waiting it out I guess. Maybe I'll hear from my ex sometime soon, maybe not. (I'm thinking most likely not, but I'm also trying to stay positive, since me becoming overly-negative and insecure was one of the reasons why he left in the first place. So, my motto lately has been "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.")

 

[hispoptart]

When a high school guy asks a girl to hang out at a party at his house it usually means friends with benefits. You want commitment get married you want to flounder from guy to guy keep what you are doing. There is an old but true saying... "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free".

Ask yourself this question... do I want a guy that I can be proud of or a guy that wants me to be there when he wants me there. Ask your grandmother what to look for in a man. Don't let yourself get in the same situation you just left which is where you are headed if you act on what you are asking about.

Just because a guy asked her to hang out does not mean his intentions are evil. Wow give the girl some credit here. She is looking for some company, friendship, something to take her mind off the ex. Just because she goes does not mean she is loose. she never once implied giving away the milk fo free.

with that said..... 77 I say if you feel safe in going then go and have a good time. Mingle with others and don't make your main fouces on the guy that invited you. If at any time you feel uncomfortable leave of call your parents to come get you.