I was going to make this privet but changed my mind. I wanted to tell you about my sons father. I didnt know him that well. what I did know was that if he said he was going to do something then he was. I was told by drs. there was no way possible I could have a baby after my daughter. I tried fertility clinics the whole nine yards . It just wasnt happening. I met Allen where I worked . he was older 50 yrs. and we dated. well you know how it happens. we only ...the one time. thats how I know when I conceived. The dr called with results that I had no idea he was even checking for and he found me in the kitchen with the phone swinging by the cord next to me. I was finally able to tell him and I will never forget his words. Oh no, Oh God, Oh shiit. How about an abortion? Me who had tried so hard to have another is getting this suggestion . of course I told him no and because I told him it was impossible for me to have a child I didnt blame him. so I told him he could leave and I would not hold him responsible in any way shape or form. and I didnt. It started with weird phone calls, then stalking. It escalated he would come over and look through my windows. one time he brought a pack of diapers. thats when he put me on my back and stuck a knife up to me. He intended to kill me the baby then himself. for some reason he left. then he called . told me he was planning on killing himself. These words I will never forget either. I said, go ahead, and when your dead Robert will collect your social sec. and I wont worry about diapers. He will be better off with you dead. So he did. He made a will out , checked his life insurance to make sure it covered suicide . laid a plastic tarp down to not make a mess and shot himself in the heart in his garage so not to make a mess. I carried that guilt with me for years . I should of called his mom, sister someone. but i didnt . I dont have guilt now because I realize it was never about me or Robert . He needed more help then we could of ever gave him. I hope this helps you some how with your dad. You cant change what is to be. and if you were not talking for 5 years then you had a good reason not to and him not being here dont change that.