I am so mad I could spit nails!

[purr]

send him to grampa!!!!
He'll see how good he's got it. And the girls have a nicer summer without him. and frankly i would tell him I would take dealing with the dog over you any day but you can change that.

 

[Dixiedoodle]

At our house it was either "OUR way or the HIGHWAY" your choice!!! My dh always told the 'devil-wanttabees"--"it's our house and our rules--if you are a member you will follow those rules or you can gather your things and leave--but it better be a really(add four letter words here) tiny bag because I gave you everything you have..so tech. I own YOUR things-clothes, shoes, underwear!

 

[SpottedCrow]

My Goddess, Mom2...you have MY KID too!!!
His new thing is the computer is a piece of crap...No wonder it doesn't work for him if he calls it that...

I was working at age 13. by the time I was 18 I was in college, working and paying rent.

My son raised his fist to me just one time...after he got up, I told him the next time he tries, make sure that I don't get up because he certainly would be...
I'm 5'2" and at 14 he's just about 6 foot.
But I don't take $hi+ from someone I cleaned the crap off their butt LOL

I did chores. I hung screens, hung storm windows, painted, gardened, cleaned, vaccuumed, did dishes, and laundry...AND I was on the honour roll all through high school and on the Dean's List in college.

I never ever disrespected my grandmother who raised my sister and me...she had a dinghy oar and all she had to say was that she was gonna get it and we'd sit up and fly right...

I told her I hated her once and she had me pack my bags and get ready to go...

My DS has told me that I love Obelisk more than him and I basically told him the same thing.

Kids these days really DO think they are entitled to all sorts of things. I NEED a cell phone. I NEED an Ipod...all they really NEED is food, clothing and shelter...everything else is just extras.

My DH is having his hip replaced in July and DS is gonna have to get off his scrawny rump and mow the lawn, do the gutters, cut the hedges...let alone help me by picking up after himself...I just went into his room this morning. His blankets are on the floor, along with a week's worth of clothes, and empty water bottles...

I really commend you and Jordan, Henry...you're the kids that we all should have.

 

[curliet]

I want to say that this is not meant to be a criticism of anyone. I know that you love your boys. Loving them also means that you expect them to make the very best of themselves that they can be. But, they didn't pop out as 16 and 18 years old, they had to learn their habits through-out their lifetimes. Somewhere along the way they needed to be taught about being responsible for themselves, and that's a lifelong lesson. When the schools make it possible for everyone to get a gold star, even if they didn't do their work, and society says it's ok to just try, even if you don't try your hardest, and the parents don't make sure that the rules and chores are followed through on, then the boys don't have any idea that they shouldn't feel 'entitled'. There is a thing called "enabling". You can help your children too much, so they never learn to help themselves. Not making your children take responsibility for themselves, and doing everything for them is a disservice to them. If you say to them that they must clean their room, and they don't, and you do nothing to enforce that order, you aren't helping them. You are enabling them to become societal cripples. What happens when their boss says he wants a certain job done? Do they know enough to do it, or do they wait for someone else to do it for them? And then they won't have that job very long, will they. And who will they blame when they get fired? The "darn" boss? What will be the excuse? That he didn't like them? Going 'on strike' now is a start, and it's too late to go back to their young years and start over, but remember that it's your responsibility to make sure that they take their responsibilities for themselves. And what you are doing now is a step toward that. BTW, as for the 18 yr old, even birds and animals know when to shove the baby out of the nest, take a lesson from nature.

 

[Cassandra]

I think it is really easy for people to say "you could have done..." this and this and this... "and things wouldn't be the way they are now."

But that is one of those things that works in theory, but doesn't exactly pan out in real life practice. I bet there are very few parents here of grown children who can say "I never had any trouble with any of my children and they are all model citizens today." If there is a parent like that here, don't go thinking you are a perfect parent. You just got lucky!

You can do everything right and your kids can still turn out to be miserable jerks! I know that we have all witnessed the fact that consistent parenting does not produce consistent results. Anyone can have kids and raise them all the same and some of them turn out 'better' than others. I know we would all like to think that if we could just follow the perfect forumla with our kids then they are going to behave the way we want to. IT JUST DOESN'T WORK!

I only say this because I think it's not fair that we should be judging this family based on the way her children are behaving. We might like to assume that if her children are so badly behaved, she must have been really messing up for a long time (it makes us a little more hopeful in our own situations.) But, not having been there, I don't know how any of us could presume to know.

Let's let them work through the problems they are having NOW without speculating on what might have been going on for the past 20 years. That won't help.

My other two cents.

Cassandra

 

[curliet]

Going 'on strike' now is a start, and it's too late to go back to their young years and start over, but remember that it's your responsibility to make sure that they take their responsibilities for themselves. And what you are doing now is a step toward that. BTW, as for the 18 yr old, even birds and animals know when to shove the baby out of the nest, take a lesson from nature.​

 

[Dilly]

I agree with the lady that said these problems or behaviors did not happen over night.
As for not judging the past, I agree that doesn't help here and now, but it can sure explain a few things and in my opinion,
It is what the parents are doing NOW that counts, and the mere fact that they are allowing their children to curse and threaten them is absolutely rediculous, sad, and overall the worse case of abuse and enabling there is.

Stand up for yourselfs as people and do Not allow that sort of crap from anyone, especially your children.

I would of applauded reading a rant saying "my kid did this and guess what. His father and I kicked his nasty Butt to the curb." Instead we are giving parenting advice 18 years too late.
This going on strike advice in my opinion is silly game playing. Why not just deal with the situation as Plain intolerable, unacceptable, shape up NOW or OUT.. Only option no compromise for abuse and being treated with such disrepect.

No wonder Kids are how they are .....

 

[Cassandra]

Quote:
I disagree again. We weren't there. We don't know if they happened overnight or not.

With my son (that I mentioned earlier) he was sweet as pie for over fifteen years. I mean that. He was just an easy going kid and I was an easy going mom. When I told him to do something, he did it. He stayed out of trouble. I'm not exagerating and saying I had a perfect kid. But he was responsible enough to mind himself at home for a couple of hours after school when he was 8-10 years old. (grandma was next door.) He had his chores and homework done and We honestly just never had any issues.

I think because of this, I never got to learn good discipline strategies with him. But suddenly he's getting close to 16 and he turns into a little monster. And I'm floored. I had him tested for drugs (he was clean.) I talked to his doctor about his mental health. The doctor evaluated him and said he was fine.

He just finally got a case of the "I'm Growns."

He continued to get worse and eventually, in spite of my efforts to turn things around, I decided he wasn't going to continue to live with us. I spoke to a judge and she said she'd do whatever we thought was best. I decided to have him commited to a mental hospital for evaluation, then decide what to do with him after that. (A group home or whatever our options were.)

For all of you who are saying kick him out, I am here to tell you: It's easy to think that. It is really easy to say it. It is NOT easy to do it. I knew in my heart it was the best thing for everyone.

It is easier to have your children spitting and cursing in your face than to force them out of your house. It goes against every fiber of your mothering nature. And your whole physical and emotional being fights against it as it would fight against you holding your own head under water until you drowned. It's hard. So DO IT and then come and flippantly tell how me how easy it is.

As it turns out, circumstances intervened and we didn't have to go through with it. And still, things have turned out well. So it is not always the only answer or the best one.

No offense to anyone.

Peace all around.

Cassandra

 

[curliet]

You're right Cassandra, we weren't there, and the situation could have been just the same as yours was. I guess I was commenting more on what seems to be a trend with young people and the low expectations that society in general seems to have towards them and not so specifically on those two boys. I certainly didn't mean my remarks to sound flippant. And yes, I have had to go through some of the same things with my own 3 children who are now grown and gone with families of their own. At age 18 I had to tell my son, who thought he was a man with the privilege of telling his parents what to do, that it seemed to be time for him to find a home of his own to rule. It wasn't easy, as you pointed out, and isn't always the only option or the best one. It was in our case. But he did have a good job, still has it, found a nice house, and now has a wonderful wife and beautiful daughter and at age 30 is a fine and responsible member of our community. Anyway, no judgement, and no offense meant or taken just that it behooves us well to see and listen to what happens with other families, take what methods work for them and apply it where it might work for you. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.

 

[Mom 2em All]

Cassandra,

I understand and feel empathy toward what you said. My son also was always easy to raise- great polite kid in school, at his friends house- responsible enough to be home alone for an hour or two at 9-10 years old. A real good boy, who had normal jealousy toward his sisters- but nothing too out of control.

Their dad died when he was 9. He began developing anger issues, I went back to college then to work. I have raised all three kids to the best of my ability, and it has been in the past year that my son has become this disrespectful, this rude, this manic. If I made parenting mistakes, they were not obvious ones- its not like a light starts flashing to tell you that you just screwed up...do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars... by the time any mistakes are realized, its a little late to back-peddle.

I have no choice but to work full time. AND have worked since he was six months old. You make exceptions to deal with that guilt of not being able to do school functions, not be able to go on field trips, to get home right before bedtime, and not help with homework. Some things you let slide. You give in and buy that something that they are bugging you for, etc. I have always put my kids first, but I can honestly say I didn't do or not do anything I really regret. So if parenting is to blame, I don't know what part it was.


My husband now was raised in an old farm style home life. His mother had a cat-o-nine tails and she wasn't afraid to use it on him and his five brothers. My husband remembers being beaten because he couldnt read. He bailed hay all summer at 12, he worked the cows, the pigs, etc. His parents were a 'whip em now, ask questions later' type parent. I have protected my kids from that life, and my husband is loud and can be obnoxious- but I never let him discipline my kids the way he was. Perhaps I should have- I dunno. I have always been one to give the kid the benefit of the doubt.

My son refuses to go to counseling, or to a youth group or a church group or any kind of kids club. My girls are avid church goers and belong to the youth group at the church...basically my son is too big for me to throw over my shoulder and make go.

I don't know where I go from here with this situation. Each situation is different and the 'parenting rules' are blurred. If my son is wonderfully polite and helpful to the rest of the world out there, and a beast at home... it is better than being opposite, and it must mean I raised him somewhat right.