I have a question about adult step kids.

[HHandbasket]

My ex-husband and his wife always referred to my kids as "theirs", as well. It never bothered me none. My youngest son calls his step-mother "Mama Gina" or sometimes just "Mom", but there's no viable reason on the planet that should bother me. She loves my boys as much as she loves her own kids. Why would I WANT to limit that kind of love in their lives? If I did, I would be petty and selfish. My boys know who their mother is, and it's perfectly all right for them to call someone else "Mom" if they look up to that person in a caring and respectful way. It also helps that my boys grew up knowing Gina, as she had been part of their lives since they were 7 and 9, respectively.

When my current husband's daughter was living with us, I referred to her as one of my kids, but I never tried to take her mother's place in her life. (My step-kids, all teenagers, refer to me as Mama J, as opposed to Mom... that's their choice, and I love the sound of "Mama J". Makes me feel special to them.)

In these days with blended families and what not, I think it's becoming less and less common for a natural parent to be offended if someone else steps into their child's life (whether grown or not) and loves them and cares for them so wholly that they think of them as one of their kids, too. I have to ask myself, what kind of mother would I be if I wanted to limit or control the relationships my grown adult children have with other elders in their lives? I would be a selfish mother, that's what I'd be. My grown sons both have other people in their lives that they call "Mom" (I am the only one that gets called Mama, though.) I'm glad that I raised my sons with enough love that they can recognize the Mom love in others and embrace it. I see it as a sign that I musta done something right.

 

[EmtheFishLady]

Quote:
Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with it unless I didn't like the person. If I didn't like them and they were claiming MY daughter as their own? Oh no...nuh uh. I carried her for 9 months, I was the one who suffered the multiple hospitilizations and issues...so yes, I agree with Red, respect her.

 

[dewey]

I believe loving all is a good thing.

To me, regarding an actual come-lately step parent that marries into an existing family of adult step kids yet claims (if just by omission) that those adult children are their own kids instead of step children, just seems a bit odd and could be viewed as very misleading in so many ways, not to mention be perceived as being disrespectful and displacing to the birth parent no matter their status. Being just a live-in girlfriend or boyfriend to one of the birth parents of the adult kids would automatically be disregarded by most as having no claim whatsoever.

 

[Rusty Hills Farm]

Quote:
This could be me, except we were never married but did have 2 kids together. And yes, it did hurt to hear my kids call him Dad, but he was a good guy and I was not around much. My kids are grown now and have kids of their own. It's been a bit interesting to watch the grandkids come up with names for us. He's grandpa, I'm granddad, and my partner is gramps. The grandkids did this on their own with no input from me, but it's really kinda nice. And there is a step-grandson in there somewhere, and he's bringing HIS son to meet us this Thanksgiving because he wants his son to know his granddad and his gramps.

Rusty

 

[lockedhearts]

Debi,
My "kids" are step's (technically ex-steps since I divorced their father) but I still have a relationship with them (the oldest is closer to me) Their Mother was a bit jealous, but even she has, after all the years told me she was glad I was there for them when they needed me.
I always told them I would never try to replace their mother and they were welcome to call me what they wanted. The oldest calls me Mom, youngest calls me by my name. Even as awful as their father is (alcoholic, manic depressive and abusive) I do not talk down about him to them, even now. I think since yours are adults they can make up their minds as to how closely you are in their lives. I too believe one can never have too many parent figures. My parents have been married, very happily for over 50 years and I still consider my oldest uncle (God rest his soul) and my Aunt (now re-married) my second parents, they helped raise me for over half my childhood.
I think the "step" parent being a good and decent person makes the process easier for the real parent. I know in my heart you are a good, kind and decent person

 

[becklinn77]

I have 3 adult step-kids (2 married, 1 disabled and I care for her full time).

I love all three of these kids but I have never called myself their mother - out of concern for the kids - not their mom. I have just waited, been friendly, and let them set the tone for what our relationship will be.

The oldest is friendly, but never refers to me as family. Her children call us "PawPaw Marty and Becky".
The middle one is more friendly (he still lived at home when I met his dad). His kids call me "Nana".
But both of the adult kids call me Becky and I am fine with that.
The youngest (the one I care for) feels to me the MOST like my child of course. You have to feel that way when you are taking care of someone so intimately I think. But even her - I kind of cringe when someone is talking to her and calls me her "Mama". I have this fear that it will upset her and she can't express it.

It has nothing to do with how much I love them - of course I do - but part of me loving them is not making them uncomfortable. If they called me their mom - I'd call them my kids - but until or unless they do I won't push that on them.

And NONE of it has ANYTHING to do with their mother.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Quote:
The only issue I have with this point of view is that when you refer to a child as a step you separate them from other kids. I have raised foster kids that I got when they were in their late teens. When I am referring to them in some settings I make it clear that they're fosters. But, if they can hear me I refer to them as my kids and say I have 4 kids. The evolution of that evolved with the relationship both with them and them with my bio kids. DH and I have two kids who are very young. Our relationship with our fosters is VERY convoluted. It is hard to explain even here how these youngsters came into our lives and why we took them in. So, I let them take the lead in how they refer to me and DH.

 

[Ridgerunner]

Another male perspective. I'm in your situation as I have a step-son older that the ones you mentioned. Although we raised him, it is evidently extremely important to my wife that he clearly be identified as my stepson, not my son, even to total strangers in a casual conversation where it does not matter at all. That hurts because I don't distinguish between him and my biological sons. I can understand the distinction with friends, but total strangers we will never see again?

When my father died, Mom listed all the stepchildren as grandchildren. Not step-grandchildren, but grandchildren. To her and him they were.

You are dealing with people. No matter what you do, someone is going to go out of their way to be offended. You know the people and the repercussions. Do as you see best.

 

[WingingIt]

I think a lot of it depends on setting, intent and what the other person has experienced, as others have said. I don't think you say it with the intent to take anything away from her, so it sounds like it's an issue on her end. What you do depends on how nice you want to be to her.

I've emailed out pics before of 'my kids' that included not only my biological kids but also their close friends or our Scouts. As far as I know, everyone understood that I was claiming them because I care about them, not that I was actually claiming them as mine.

Now, having said all of that, I'm an adult and if my Dad's wife ever proclaims me as her child, I will likely employ SSS.

 

[TinyChickenLady]

Here's a POV from an adult child (LoL I'm 25).
I have a biological father whom I don't ever see and didn't really meet until I was 18. And then I have my adopted father who came into my life when I was 6 months old and never regretted his decision to treat me like his own.
He adopted me when I was 13 because they wanted me to be old enough to decide what I wanted.
Guess which one I call Dad?
Can you guess why?
This maybe not be exactly what you're looking for but the point I'm trying to make is that a parent isn't necessarily the one that gave birth to you. It's the person who cares for you. Someone you can go to and respect as a parental unit. He's my Dad not because he adopted me but because he loved me like his daughter without question. That's a parent.