I need advice from those ladies who were more girlie when young

[HeatherLynn]

Ok I am not a girlie girl now, nor was I ever BUT my daughter is BIG TIME. She is 9 and is hitting the age where all heck breaks lose. She is trying all sorts of styles now, and wants to wear heals, colored hair streaks, and feathers, and make up. ( it was a heck no to make up btw) At her age I was climbing trees and shooting guns. This is not going to go well for me.

She is maturing a bit early. I was hoping the fact that she was a skinny minny for so long she would not but the poor child is getting curves already. I feel bad for her because none of her friends are but this is genetic. We were all the same way. Its life. She has barbie unrealities about clothing and looks. So whats the secret to guiding them through all this. How much do I let her figure out for herself and where can I help without pushing in where angels fear to tread. Advice now before I mess up would be great. Advice before she tries to starve her hips away would be good too. I already have to watch her carefully to make sure she eats.

My mom just let me figure it all out on my own. After my 2nd child she did mention maybe having that talk someday. ummm think I have it all figured out now but thanks. sigh

I am at a loss. One second she is admiring herself the next she is trying to squish her hips back into the right shape ( flat). Its not going to help that my mom mentions she is getting a bit chubby. She isn't but she is curving out and its not an easy time for either of us. So.... new clothes? movies to watch? books to read? convents to send her too? I am up for someone else handling this part of child raising. Maybe having girls was not such a great idea for me and I still have another one to go.

 

[eenie114]

Well, I've never been a huge girly-girl, but like many when the curves showed up I had my own insecurities. My mom explaining the 'science' behind it all really helped. The hips being from the pelvis changing to prepare for potential childbirth (actually, might wanna be careful with this one: It nearly traumatized me.

) and whatnot.

Maybe when she's a little older the book Cycle Savvy by Toni Weschler would be a good idea.
Oh, and if she's already started the fun period game, make sure to explain bloating during PMS.

 

[chickensbythesea]

Quote:
Step 1: Tell your mom to hush her mouth, right now. You don't need to be letting those ideas into your daughter's head at a time she's already feeling insecure about how her body changes.

Step 2: Ask your daughter if she has any questions. I'm sure she does, even if she won't ask, so just start talking. Explain what she's going through now, and what comes next in the maturing process. The more comfortable you act the more comfortable she will feel asking those questions. If you guys aren't too open about things (my mother and I weren't close at all in this way), at least find a couple of good books and leave them on her bed. Even if she's embarrassed, she'll skim through them.

Bonus Round: As I said, my mom and I weren't close at all in the sense we talked about womanhood or anything (we have an okay relationship, we're just very, private), but my best friend's mom was always talking about things like this with her, and they started an awesome tradition- starting with her first cycle, any time my friend had her period, they had a junk food movie date. Chocolate, ice cream, and a chick flick.
I was always super jealous her mom made such an effort to make it seem less miserable.

 

[SillyChicken]

Can't help you there.. I'm still very much a tom boy.

Just talk about sex, alot! Don't let her figure it out on her own! Make sure she knows what men are about, what they want, what they say to get it and let her know she doesn't need to do any of that to have friends etc!

 

[sheaviance1]

You are in the same boat that I was in when raising my daughter! Talk about a YIKES moment, whew! Am I ever glad that's over!!!

My daugter was always very girly. I have always been a tomboy. We have four boys and one girl. Yep. One. You can only imagine. I have never played with a barbie in my life. Ever. I have this cute little baby who grows into a girl who plays with Barbies and has tea parties. Ugh, just smack me now!!!

We struggled, we really did. I had no idea how to play girly games and such when my daughter was little. I finally figured it out enough to get through those years. When she was in the 5th grade, she was already very well endowed. We had the talk very early on. I am very open and candid about sex. It seems that the most girly girls don't want to talk about it at all. She still blushes at 21 when the topic comes up. But, she made it and so did I.

The weight issue was one of our toughest battles. She dated a guy who told her one time that she was fat. She most definitely was not fat! She looked amazing. She hid the fact from me that she was doing 300 crunches every night prior to bed and wasn't eating her school lunch. When I found out, she was no longer dating that guy, but was still trying to banish the fat the he invented on her body. What finally done it for her was watching an interview with one of the supermodels on the Biography channel. She declared that she was fat. You could see this woman's hip bones jutting from beneath her skin, and she was complaining about being fat. My daughter blurted that it was ridiculous. I simply said, I know, I've been trying to convince you for months.

Good luck to you with your daughter! I hope that you are not cursed with six, yes SIX, proms to purchase for like I was!!!!! Not too expensive when you set your foot down that the only prom you will spend any significant money on will be the senior prom.

 

[m.kitchengirl]

I was NOT a girlie girl. I have always preferred dresses, but I rode my bike in them, played soccer, beat up the boys...
I think 9 is a good age to start reading Judy Blume. "Are You There God, Its Me Margaret" was HUGE to me as a young kid. ("Forever" may be a wee bit racy for a 9 year old, FYI. Heck, it may be a wee bit racy for me NOW at 35. I read it at around 14. I remember blushing even when I was alone in my room.)
Talk, Talk, Talk about S-E-X. I talk til my son blushes about it, then I keep going. The plus side, he talks to me about EVERYTHING. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't, but I just keep my poker face on & let him keep on talking.
I think when I turned 9 my mom gave me "Our Bodies, Our Selves". That was a great resource for me, and when I was too embarrassed to ask a question could go there & find it - most times. It also promotes positive body images at any size.

It is hard these days. My son, now almost 12, understands things I didn't get until college. Girls suffer under a barrage of body image & sexuality driven messages, but even my son worries about being "fat" (he is a skinny, chicken leg having bean pole just like his dad).
I would tell MY mother (were I you) that my daughter is BEAUTIFUL and if she says anything other than that about your daughter's body it will be a HUGE problem & she won't have the kind of access to your daughter she currently enjoys.
I wish someone had laid down the law with my father. His well meaning comments about how I should "keep your hair short, you have a fat face", or "girls like you shouldn't wear skirts - you have elephant ankles," and on & on still run through my head & I was in 5th grade when he told me I had elephant ankles (I remember the exact hand-me-down skirt I was wearing, where I was in my kitchen, everything about that moment). There was nothing bigger than 3" in diameter on me at the time, except my waste.

Another idea - when I began to approach this tenuous time my mother & I began taking some fitness classes together - aerobics, a swim club, a dance fitness class (it was the 80's - there weren't as many good options as there are now). It was fun & it taught me that there are women of every body type who are beautiful. It gave me some time to be alone with my Mom, once a week, for a few hours, and it taught me a wonderful lesson about body image - when I exercise I feel better about how I look, immediately. Maybe you & your daughter could take a yoga class together. I think yoga classes, because most are designed for people of all fitness levels, and you are taught to go with what is best for YOUR body, etc, are a WONDERFUL tool for improving how people feel about themselves. It is so calming to look around the room & see people struggling at parts you find easy & find yourself struggling at parts where the man next to you, who looks like the dancing hippo in Fantasia, is moving into the pose with grace & dignity.

Not to prattle on, but my Dad - for all of his failings - also spoke with me a lot about sex & sexuality. Not in an inappropriate way, but it was just something that was not taboo at my house. I always hated it as a girl, but I am so glad for it now. He gave me a perspective that my Mother could never give me, and I think it helped to have a man's point of view.
Gosh, reading this I realize what products of the 60's my folks were...

 

[HeatherLynn]

Yea my husband is already at the point that all boys are perverts and his girl is too good and too pretty for all the little perverts. Its going better than I expected but not as well as it could go. She is around far too many older boy scouts for daddy's comfort.

I already talked to my mom about the comments.

I looked at all the different books online last night. Looks like many go over some pretty controversial topics though. Will have to be a bit choosy. We have already had "the talk" after an unfortuneate incident at the zoo. ( adults really should hold their tongues around young kids I swear) Really I am struggling most with body image, eating, body changes, social changes ( girls get so mean at this age). Its all kinda coming hard and fast right now.

We talked about some of the things she wants to do that her friends do ( make up, high heels, hair coloring ect). Sorta amazed we have to discuss some of these. Some it was a tough poopie situation. Not going to happen under my roof but we compromised where we felt it was reasonable. She can have the little kitten heels but no high heels. Feather hair clips got approval, multi colored hair streaks did not. We also talked about some martial arts for her. She already does dance 2hours a week but maybe a couple hours of martial arts would help with her new body issues. I just wore bigger sweatshirts when I went through this. I was really hoping we could just go that route. sigh

We have not started the big P yet but I like the idea of a date night anyway. We can start now. Might allow her to open up a bit.

 

[Frogdogtimestwo]

I gave my daughter the book "the care and keeping of you" I found it at bath and body works but I am sure they don't carry it anymore but it is on Amazon.com still for under 10.00 This answered a lot of preteen questions she had because she was too embarrassed to ask me, which I find funny because I was the complete opposite, I answered a lot of my friends questions at that age because my Mom had given me several books about "coming of age" stuff. I think it is really important for her to hear "FACTS" from her Mom instead of what her other friends may be saying though, I am always mentioning the "gross MOM!" stuff to her she hears it but of course acts mortified

It is especially rough on the self esteem when weight comes into play but if she remains active in sports/dance, and you are doing your part to not have a house filled with crap food eventually this will level out in most cases. We survived and so will they

Oh and you may want to start on the "P" word sooner than later, my Sister has two in her class that started at 9 and 10, just sayin'

 

[HeatherLynn]

Yea I have fears that the P word will happen around 10 just based on every other female in the family. The poor girls genes are really against her on this one. I think the weight will be fine. She is still slender but she cannot wear her slim jeans now. They do not accomodate curves at all. To hear her talk I just had to get her boys husky pants or something. Try explaining that regulars are not fat pants. I think half the issue is what she is hearing from the other girls. You stand in front of a mirror for 2 hours every week with a couple dozen pre teen girls you are going to pick up every bad body image in the book.

I am going to get her a couple of the books on puberty and such for her and some pretty pants that fit and hopefully she feels better. All this just sorta jumped on her. In 2 months she gained 8 lbs and grew a bit over 2 inches. She also went up 2 sizes in her shoes. Its been insane. I was an inch off my full height by 11. I think at the rate its going she is following. This is not going to be fun.

 

[TinyChickenLady]

I was always a small girl. And a tomboy. And I developed VERY early and VERY quickly. By 5 th grade, I weighed 94 pounds and carried a C cup. I was so embarrassed. I hated those things! They got in my way and got me tease a LOT. My hips were also growing to fill me in a bit more. I thought I was chubby. I very obviously wasn't.
It finally dawned on me that it was girls teasing me and not boys. The boys didn't care because I was still me but the girls hated my development becuase it was faster and greater than theirs. I would also watch shows like Dr. Phil when he interviewed girls who were sick (about their looks) and it made me realize that they had a problem and that I could too if I didn't smarten up and embrace the new me.
You DD needs to understand that what is happening is normal and not going away.
Sometimes it's easier for girls to understand what's going on after their Mom tells them a story about "When I was your age...." It helps them relate to you and realize that what's going on is okay because Mom turned out just fine