I need to vent and my DH won't listen to me :( SORRY LONG

[Rosalind]

You are really stuck. If it gets too bad, move. All you can do, sorry.

Drift: My mother and I don't get along particularly well, and recently she has been trying to get into my good graces because she thinks she can "retire" and move in with me in a few years. Ain't gonna happen. Even when she is being nice, it's exactly the way your Oma is being "nice": nitpicking and criticizing, I can't do anything right, including clean anything properly. If I put dishes in the dishwasher, put soapflakes in the dishwasher compartment, close the thing, push the button, then put the clean dishes in the cupboard, she jumps all over me that I did it wrong and unless I wipe the dishes down with Windex they are still too dirty to eat off of. She will throw fresh veggies into the garbage (the compost heap is not to be contemplated in her mind) because it "looks funny." If I point out that it was a Savoy cabbage and it was supposed to look like that, she shrugs, who cares? "Well, buy another then." She's emptied the whole fridge on me while I go to work, I've found $200 worth of groceries in the trash bin because of her. This isn't even her being elderly, because she did the same when she was in her 40s and 50s. She's just a nosy jerk. A well-meaning jerk, but a jerk nevertheless.

The only remedy for it, with all relatives chiming in, "But she's just trying to help!" was to move far far away. This way I only have to put up with it a couple times per year. If they think she's so helpful, they can enjoy her help. I'm sure she'll have fun Windexing their cutlery and trashing their pantries.

 

[seedcorn]

Don't like it, want freedom to do what ever you want (that is legal), move, buy your won place.

You have too much time on your hand, she's an old lady, she went through the depression, she's trying to pass some wisdom on--cut her some slack......

Want to be upset about something, get involved w/crisis lines, help the down trodden, work w/alzheimer patients etc. This is just a hair on a flea on the back of a pampered dog. Get over it. I would give all I have to have my Dad's critizing mind back rather than the shell of Alzheimer.

 

[chickflick]

I wish my Oma was still alive. Yes, old people are stuck in their ways....they have been doing things their way for a long time. She is Oma and deserves your respect. It seems to me that you need to chill out a bit and let things roll off your back. You are sweating the little stuff, when things could be so much worse. Smile and say, I'll think about it and then do it your way. How hard is it to let her think she's helping you out....which is her intent. I don't think today's "younguns" respect the older generation like they should. She doesn't sound like she's out to hurt you. My gosh, she's grandma!! Life is way too short.....Chill out! She's German, so that means she is stubborn!! She has a lot of pride and you shouldn't take that away from her.

 

[Southern28Chick]

I'm back. I'll say I do understand what you're going through, been there...done that. Most of us have inlaws that drive us crazy with their "we know it all and you don't hahaha attitude".

No one here can really give you great advise because we are not you. We don't know how you feel on the inside about these issues. There will be people telling you that you're getting all hot and bothered over nothing and then there will be people who understand that on top of the craziness of someone telling you what to do, you are also pregnant and may be a bit more touchy than usual.

IMO, everything you say is understandable. I don't like it when people have that lil giggle that they do when they think they're right and you're wrong. I hate that. I don't like people telling me what to do. BUT at the same time, family is family and you don't know how much longer she'll be on this planet.

She's old and that makes her "wise" somehow. There isn't to much point in arguing with her. In her mind she'll always be right. And in your DH's heart she'll always be "Oma" and she'll always be right...even if she's not.

Just understand that she's probably doing and saying what she really believes as right, even if it's not right.

I can't think of anything else to say other than good luck and I hope everything works out.

 

[eggcetra_farms]

I feel as though some are acting like the advice being given is to go beat the old lady up. Letting someone know that you think they're butting into your business isn't being disrespectful (unless you do it in a disrespectful manner). In fact, sometimes people NEED to be told they're overstepping their bounderies. My mom is good at if I let her know she's butting in too much, she backs off. The problem is that I HAVE to tell her. Otherwise it's like it never crosses her mind. Some people don't realize they're being a hindrance and not a help. You HAVE to let them know. She may be one of these people.

Also, sure, there are those older people who really are sweet and you should just smile and nod and go on with your life. There are also those people who like to use their age to their benefit. Maybe she feels that because of her age and because she's grandma no one is going to challange her. If that is the case then oh, how right she is. I've known both types of people... I know there are some who would think that an old person couldn't possibly want to work one over on you, but there are.

At any rate, cross your fingers that you can get your own place soon.

 

[paganfish]

Quote:
THANK YOU!

Folks! I wasn't saying that she should beat the old lady either. Or be MEAN! I was saying the very same thing you said here. The lady lives 2 miles from her...NOT with her! IT IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS! Besides, relative or NOT...she pays HER rent so, why be a slave in her own home?

Now, I never, -NOT ONCE-, told her she should do anything. I said, I would, IF I were her. I realize that she will do whatever is right for her, under her circumstances.

How about cutting HER some slack!

It just bugs me when people ASSUME that she's being disrespectful, selfish or uncaring because HER feelings are hurt and she wants to do something about it!

As it bugs me when people ASSUME that if one thinks a certain way that they perceive as aggressive, they fall from grace or are too young to know better. (I'm 42...does that make me young? I don't know but, I do know better!)

Pedro

PS One thing to bare in mind...YOUR experience with YOUR relatives is different than others. It's all, dare I say it, relative!

 

[PurpleChicken]

I'm with Reinbeau on this. Most comments here are "in my opinion"
over-reactions. It sounds like some of you have some horror stories
dealing with family that may be influencing you here. From the limited
info provided the Grandmother does not sound bad. I had a German
grandmother. She was a tough cookie to deal with sometimes but she
was also a wonderful woman and I miss her so.

And legalities of renting... Cmon folks. I doubt these kids are paying
anywhere near market value and the grandmother is just looking out
for them.

Sarah, bite your tongue with her. Your husband will always be her baby.
I suspect that is part of what is going on. When you have the baby
she is gonna pound you with advice but she may also be a big help too.

If it gets too hard to handle make your husband handle it. If my
mother or grandmother was making my wife uncomfortable it would
be my responsibility to fix it.

Best of luck with the new kid.

Don

 

[McGoo]

A couple of thoughts.
You are pregnant and possibly hormonal...and this doesn't help matters. Whatever the olde gal is doing is clearly more annoying when we're hormonal.

Since you're getting ready to have a baby you'll be very busy and will probably have less time to be annoyed by her...hopefully.

She will attempt to tell you how to raise and/or handle all baby situations, so be prepared. Many of us women before you found ourselves in similar situations. Make sure you have a mantra i.e. This is my baby and I will handle things ...blah blah blah. or Thank you for your advice, I am using the advice of the baby's pediatrician. (just some examples)

All that said, Oma is surely lonely and looking for things to do all day long while you're at work. She may end up to be a wonderful addition to your child's life so try not to alienate her. We're all quirky and it only gets worse as we get older.

All the best.

 

[Southern28Chick]

Quote:
THANK YOU!

Folks! I wasn't saying that she should beat the old lady either. Or be MEAN! I was saying the very same thing you said here. The lady lives 2 miles from her...NOT with her! IT IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS! Besides, relative or NOT...she pays HER rent so, why be a slave in her own home?

Now, I never, -NOT ONCE-, told her she should do anything. I said, I would, IF I were her. I realize that she will do whatever is right for her, under her circumstances.

How about cutting HER some slack!

It just bugs me when people ASSUME that she's being disrespectful, selfish or uncaring because HER feelings are hurt and she wants to do something about it!

As it bugs me when people ASSUME that if one thinks a certain way that they perceive as aggressive, they fall from grace or are too young to know better. (I'm 42...does that make me young? I don't know but, I do know better!)

Pedro

PS One thing to bare in mind...YOUR experience with YOUR relatives is different than others. It's all, dare I say it, relative!

I don't think anyone took you the wrong way. It's ok.

 

[paganfish]

Quote:
Thank you! I was feeling like such a wretch!

I feel MUCH better.

You rock!

Peace-

Pedro