I will not be responsible for anyone other than myself

[Wildsky]

My hubby is lucky enough to be able to come home for lunch, normally his lunch is warmed up left-overs from the night before. sometimes he'll fix something else or whatever he's in the mood for.

When his mother comes to visit for a few days - she'll LAUNCH herself out her chair to go make his lunch for him - it irritates BOTH of us, not only does it make it look like she's insulting ME for not doing that, but then he'll not be feeling like whatever it is she's making!

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
I mostly agree, especially about the importance of communication, but the tone of the original post seems to be "I take care of myself alone, and no one should expect me to help them take care of themselves." In a functional marriage, both spouses take care of each other; they are a unit as well as individuals, and ideally should love each other as much as they love themselves. Love is not selfish.

Maybe it has been building. From his comment, it sounded to me like he was fed up to here with her prima dona manner. I can't say that that is accurate as I was not there, but that is how her post struck me. Implying that her choices of time use are good and worthwhile; his choices are wrong, and therefore she is going to punish him. (Adults don't punish each other--that is a parent-child approach). I personally would be fed up if I lived with that attitude, too.

I never said that division of chores should or should not be traditionally gender based. Different things work with different couples; there is no right or wrong way, just a way that works best for one family versus a way that works better for another. When I go to the store I ask DH (and kids too) if there is anything they want or need. He does the same. Whoever notices that the trash is full takes it out--often it is him, but not always. We both vacuum--I do it more often, but he does it occasionally. I don't mow because every time I do the mower breaks. But I do much of the other yardwork, and many of the home repairs. But he does many of them, too--it just depends on who is better at a task and if either one of us enjoys it more or dislikes it least.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
And yet others would feel they had a legitimate complaint if their spouse told them they should not/could not do something that they chose to do. If one needs help and does not ask for it, one has no legitimate cause for complaint. If you ask for help and it does not come, then you very definitely do.

 

[Elite Silkies]

Quote:
I'm in the same boat. I go back to work in January and I will be working about 12 hours a day. The bad thing is........ they still get angry when I can't do it all???????

Where is it written that the women must have a full time job, plus clean, cook and do all the laundry. Why does the man's job quit when they clock out?

I know I will have clothes piled up to my forehead and none of them will lift a finger to help. I have a hard time keeping up with 7 people without a job, I just hate thinking what it will like after I go back to work.

I honestly feel that everyone should have specific chores.

 

[Rusty Hills Farm]

Quote:
I'm in the same boat. I go back to work in January and I will be working about 12 hours a day. The bad thing is........ they still get angry when I can't do it all???????

Where is it written that the women must have a full time job, plus clean, cook and do all the laundry. Why does the man's job quit when they clock out?

I know I will have clothes piled up to my forehead and none of them will lift a finger to help. I have a hard time keeping up with 7 people without a job, I just hate thinking what it will like after I go back to work.

I honestly feel that everyone should have specific chores.

Wasn't it Ann Landers who used to say that no one can take advantage of you without your permission? It sure SOUNDS like you've given your entire family permission to treat you like the maid!

I do not mean to pick on you personally. It's just that I have met SO many women who seem to have your attitude and then cannot understand how they got stuck in their position. If you are an equal partner with your spouse, your words should carry just as much weight. So break out the pencil and paper and start making lists of who does what. And when your kids fall down on the job (and they will) let them deal with the consequences. This is how kids grow into functioning adults. By doing everything for them, you are the one teaching them that they do not have to hold up their own end in life. Kids don't suddenly become dependable and hard-working just by hitting some date on a calendar. They LEARN it each and every day from the time they are old enough to walk. And they learn it from YOU, So if you don't want a bunch of lazy bums--teach them right now starting today. Or someday it will be their spouses who will be moaning on some future forum about what selfish people they turned out to be.

Again, I am not trying to pick on this particular person. I am directing this to every parent out there who is doing this to their own kids. You think you are being a kind and loving parent but you're not. You're actually messing up big time.


JMO

Rusty

 

[Elite Silkies]

Quote:
I'm in the same boat. I go back to work in January and I will be working about 12 hours a day. The bad thing is........ they still get angry when I can't do it all???????

Where is it written that the women must have a full time job, plus clean, cook and do all the laundry. Why does the man's job quit when they clock out?

I know I will have clothes piled up to my forehead and none of them will lift a finger to help. I have a hard time keeping up with 7 people without a job, I just hate thinking what it will like after I go back to work.

I honestly feel that everyone should have specific chores.

Wasn't it Ann Landers who used to say that no one can take advantage of you without your permission? It sure SOUNDS like you've given your entire family permission to treat you like the maid!

I do not mean to pick on you personally. It's just that I have met SO many women who seem to have your attitude and then cannot understand how they got stuck in their position. If you are an equal partner with your spouse, your words should carry just as much weight. So break out the pencil and paper and start making lists of who does what. And when your kids fall down on the job (and they will) let them deal with the consequences. This is how kids grow into functioning adults. By doing everything for them, you are the one teaching them that they do not have to hold up their own end in life. Kids don't suddenly become dependable and hard-working just by hitting some date on a calendar. They LEARN it each and every day from the time they are old enough to walk. And they learn it from YOU, So if you don't want a bunch of lazy bums--teach them right now starting today. Or someday it will be their spouses who will be moaning on some future forum about what selfish people they turned out to be.

Again, I am not trying to pick on this particular person. I am directing this to every parent out there who is doing this to their own kids. You think you are being a kind and loving parent but you're not. You're actually messing up big time.


JMO

Rusty

Oh, I don't mind getting picked on

I didn't say the kids do not have chores, I said they get angry because I can not do it all or will not do it all. However, it is a chore in it's self to make them do their chores. I give them a certain amount of time to complete them and if they fail to do so, then they face the consequences.

Their problem is that they think that because I do not work right now, that I should be the maid. I tell them on a daily basis that I am not their personal maid.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I got into an argument because he was in my opinion badgering me as i was trying to Spring Clean early. I needed to do this and that, and I told him that when I was done I would let him know and anything he did not like, then he could do it himself. He said he was only trying to help me. I told him telling me how to do it, did not help me. If he wanted to help me then he needs to help me physically clean it. He got mad and said he was moving into our rent house. Did I care, NO! When I say anything to him, his remark is I'll help you, I'll throw everything in this house away. Well, that's fine with me, because I am going to throw all of his tools and junk out of the garage too, because it's messy! He does not feel that he should help with the house because he doesn't think I have a job...................... But, I do tend to 80 chickens, 2 dogs, 1 cat and 25 quail, 3 kids and most of the house work and I cook supper every night. I also have my tax schooling every year that I have to complete.

My husband use to help me. We both worked and we both came home and cooked supper and then cleaned the house. But, after I quit working, I agree I let them take advantage of me, and that is my fault. But, things are going to have to go back to the way it use to be, because I will not be able to work that many hours and continue doing everything that I do now.

I think your list is a good idea and will work on making one today: My kids are going to have choices: They either clean up their messes and keep their toys picked up or they will not have any toys to make a mess with. They are old enough to clean up after themselves and keep their things nicely put away without giving me any flack.

My husband will also have choices, I don't see why he can not do his own laundry while I am working. Granted his job is more physical than mine, but I will be putting in a lot more hours than he does. I work about 70 hours a week during tax season, they are all going to help me regardless of how they feel.

 

[FluffyColor]

Quote:
Reminds me of my brother. I have to clean up his messes. At ten-thirty at night!

When I ask DM WHY he can't clean it up: "He's tired."

AND I'M NOT TIRED?!?!?

Th next time he made a mess, I litterally pushed him straight into the mess so he could clean it up.

I AM THROUGH WITH THIS CRUD!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry just had to

 

[bwebb7]

Our 20th anniversary is coming up. Early on I turned his underwear pink-after I got an earful I promised him I would NEVER do that again. I haven't-'cause I don't do any of his laundry! Then we went camping and I forgot to pack his underwear and socks-after the griping I promised I would never forget to pack anything of his again and I haven't. I (again) do not do his packing either. He complains occasionally to his friends and finds out that they do allot of their own chores and cook sometimes too. We all have our crosses to bare.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Wasn't it Ann Landers who used to say that no one can take advantage of you without your permission? It sure SOUNDS like you've given your entire family permission to treat you like the maid!

I do not mean to pick on you personally. It's just that I have met SO many women who seem to have your attitude and then cannot understand how they got stuck in their position. If you are an equal partner with your spouse, your words should carry just as much weight. So break out the pencil and paper and start making lists of who does what. And when your kids fall down on the job (and they will) let them deal with the consequences. This is how kids grow into functioning adults. By doing everything for them, you are the one teaching them that they do not have to hold up their own end in life. Kids don't suddenly become dependable and hard-working just by hitting some date on a calendar. They LEARN it each and every day from the time they are old enough to walk. And they learn it from YOU, So if you don't want a bunch of lazy bums--teach them right now starting today. Or someday it will be their spouses who will be moaning on some future forum about what selfish people they turned out to be.

Again, I am not trying to pick on this particular person. I am directing this to every parent out there who is doing this to their own kids. You think you are being a kind and loving parent but you're not. You're actually messing up big time.


JMO

Rusty

Oh, I don't mind getting picked on

I didn't say the kids do not have chores, I said they get angry because I can not do it all or will not do it all. However, it is a chore in it's self to make them do their chores. I give them a certain amount of time to complete them and if they fail to do so, then they face the consequences.

Their problem is that they think that because I do not work right now, that I should be the maid. I tell them on a daily basis that I am not their personal maid.

And add to that by telling them that you are teaching them HOW to be an adult--knowledge that they will need as an adult. If there was one thing I could do over with my kids it would be harnessing more of their energy and interest when they were very small and WANTED to help. Not that I didn't accept their help then, but I think I could have done a better job of consistently accepting it--even when I wanted to have it done faster & better, and so did it myself. Stating heartfelt thanks and giving tangible rewards can help motivate kids. Sometimes a "hey, let's get this done so we can play a short game of g0-fish before bathtime" or "let's hurry up and get the dishes done so we can watch A Charlie Brown Christmas before bedtime" goes a long ways towards getting them moving. And sometimes it takes a tangible reward, "here's your allowance plus an extra $1 for remembering to clean out under your bed without me having to nag you."

My husband use to help me. We both worked and we both came home and cooked supper and then cleaned the house. But, after I quit working, I agree I let them take advantage of me, and that is my fault. But, things are going to have to go back to the way it use to be, because I will not be able to work that many hours and continue doing everything that I do now.

Have a conversation ahead of time with him about it--mention how much he used to help, and that now that you are going back to work you are going to need his household help again.

Personally I would not choose to say "do your own laundry." Rather I would ask that he "do the laundry"--that you usually have (however many loads per day, week, whatever), and how much a help that will be. Giving him ownership of an entire task means that you won't be butting heads over who is using the machines and when. The downside is that you have to accept his methods over yours and not micromanage his efforts.​

 

[cassie]

I read about a woman who had had it to HERE with the demands of her family. One Monday morning as she was fixing breakfast for the family before going off to her full time job, husband was yelling he couldn't find his brief case and expected her to drop everything to help him find it, teenage daughter was compalining because her gym clothes were not laundered and her favorite blouse wasn't ironed, and young son was crying because he couldn't find his homework and wanted her to find it for him. She looked at them all and said, "I quit". She put the eggs she had just scrambled down the garbage disposal, poured the orange juice down the sink, picked up her brief case and went out the door. That evening she came home, went into her office and shut the door. When the various family members came in wanting to know what was for supper or where their whatever was she told them she had quit as of that morning and that they had to figure it out for themselves. After a few weeks she resumed being a mother but she did not resume being a servant and a "step and fetchit" for the family.

When I was little I lived with my aunt for a while. There were five of us kids all told. Aunt Grace did not do any housework or wash any dishes. We kids did all that. Saturday mornings we gave the house a major once over and in the afternoon we went to the movies. Aunt Grace did the cooking, tended the chickens and other small livestock and the garden. This was in the early '50's. I don't know when or why woman began to think they had to do it ALL.