Make sure you like the inlaws. If there are problems before the marriage they will continue.
I say it's a deal breaker.......
I say it's a deal breaker.......
Married BYCers
- Thread starter I have WHAT in my yard?
- Start date
The person you marry, and you too, will grow and change. Make sure you are ready to accept those changes and not try to change them yourself. You have to love the person, the whole person, before getting married. NEVER , ever think you can turn someone into who you want them to be.
Take your time getting to know the person and be sure you want to spend the rest of your life with them.
There will be lots of hard times, don't give up, work through them together. You're a team.
Remember it's the little things that count the most. A random "I love you note", a hug or a kiss for no reason. A compliment goes a long way and if your spouse is happy you'll be happy too.
Never forget why you fell in love and got married.
Things I wish I'd maybe done differently....
Waited a few more years to have kids and enjoyed ourselves while we were young. I was 24 when we had our first and looking back now it would have been good to wait a little longer. I love my kids dearly but once you have kids life changes and they are the main priority. You get a lot but you also go without a lot too.
DH and I had a LONG distance romance for a year before we were married. We've been married 18 years this year. He's my best friend and I'm glad he's the one I've been through all the ups and downs with.
There will be lots of hard times, don't give up, work through them together. You're a team.
Remember it's the little things that count the most. A random "I love you note", a hug or a kiss for no reason. A compliment goes a long way and if your spouse is happy you'll be happy too.
Never forget why you fell in love and got married.
Things I wish I'd maybe done differently....
Waited a few more years to have kids and enjoyed ourselves while we were young. I was 24 when we had our first and looking back now it would have been good to wait a little longer. I love my kids dearly but once you have kids life changes and they are the main priority. You get a lot but you also go without a lot too.
DH and I had a LONG distance romance for a year before we were married. We've been married 18 years this year. He's my best friend and I'm glad he's the one I've been through all the ups and downs with.
Make sure you have a good hiding place for when you strangle them...
No, but really, there's a LOT of things that could be said, but nothing off the top of my head right now that hasn't already been said.
No, but really, there's a LOT of things that could be said, but nothing off the top of my head right now that hasn't already been said.
Quote:
Unless you two didn't graduate from high school until you were 25, according to my math (18 + 7.5 = 25.5) means you and Sam are still practically babies... and about to have your 4th, 5th & 6th babies... ALL AT ONCE!
WOW, I cyber bow to you both, you two are a special couple.
Unless you two didn't graduate from high school until you were 25, according to my math (18 + 7.5 = 25.5) means you and Sam are still practically babies... and about to have your 4th, 5th & 6th babies... ALL AT ONCE!
WOW, I cyber bow to you both, you two are a special couple.
- Mar 25, 2007
- 1,310
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Ideal order of events:
1. Go to school and start a career. I say from hard experience, deciding to go back to school AFTER you're married w/ mortgage, responsibilities, etc. is a million times harder than it is when you are not tied to someone else's career or financial responsibilities.
2. Decide what is really important to you. Not what your parents think is important, not what your friends think is important, not what everyone does on TV or in the movies. If money is important to you and you don't want to spend your whole life poor, then that's up to you to decide. If looks are important and you really would be sorry to be married to someone who doesn't wear makeup or gains 100 lbs. then that's your choice and you have to live with it. Lots of folks marry according to the Life Script (you know, marry Prince Charming, buy a great big mortgage, have lotsa babies). They are shocked! horrified! when it turns out that Prince Charming develops a beer gut at 35 and the kids are little diaper-clad demons and the oppressive mortgage means they can't afford to divorce without declaring bankruptcy. So decide what sort of marriage YOU want, then go have that marriage.
3. Live together first. Say howevermany Hail Marys it takes to get forgiven for it by your church, but people are remarkably good at lying about themselves, especially their unsavory habits. Live together first, so you can see all those nasty habits in their full glory. I lived with three different fiances before finally marrying #3, and if I hadn't I would never have known a lot of horrible things about #1 & 2. People lie more than you can imagine.
4. Kids come post-marriage, IF (big if) you decide to have any at all. Once you have kids, you are stuck with their other biological parent FOREVER. Even if things don't work out and you end up divorcing your spouse, you still have to deal with visitation and child support and all the school plays and piano recitals and so forth. Be really really sure that Prince Charming isn't going to become Jack Daniels or that Ms. Perfect isn't deep down inside a Fatal Attraction. If you don't have kids and things don't work out, you're at least able to move on with the occasional aid of a restraining order. Family courts are stuffed chock-full of "Your Honor, we contend that Evil Ex is a Psycho hose-beast and therefore ineligible for full custody." Kids are expensive like you wouldn't believe, too, so think long and hard if you really want this person's kids because you love children so much or if you're doing it because everyone else does. For all the nasty things people will say to you about "when are you gonna have kids, you've been married for sooooo looooong" know that the nasty things parents say about who is the very best mommy and why you're a lousy parent for depriving your child of soda pop/R-rated movies/designer pants are WAY worse. Having someone's child will not make them love you more, either.
5. The wedding lasts one day. The honey moon lasts 1-2 weeks. If you happen to have $20,000 for a one-day party, or know someone willing to give you $20,000, spend the money on a house down payment instead. At least if you split up you can sell the house and get the money back. The important bit is how you live your life, not how great the DJ was. A magic dress and really great flowers will not make a good marriage. The stress of organizing all the stuff will make you crazy, too. Elope instead.
Not to say that other methods don't ever work, but you'd be handicapping yourself unnecessarily. Why make your life and relationships harder than they need to be?
Other advice, in no particular order:
-You don't need a lot of money to be married. You do need to have similar spending habits.
-Talking doesn't change ANYTHING. Actions speak louder than words. Lots of folks figure if they can just talk things out, it'll be OK. Even lots of therapists think this nonsense. You can talk till the cows come home, but if one of you is saying what they figure the other one wants to hear, nothing changes. Think about it: If your spouse says "I love you" or if your spouse massages your shoulders after a long day at work, which do you find more meaningful as a display of love?
-If you want you-know-what every night, hire Ms./Mr. RightNow instead of marrying Ms./Mr. Right. It's cheaper in the long run. Marriage is about commitment and long friendship, not you-know-what.
-The magic ring does not make anyone a better person or nicer, and for sure will not make the spouse love you more. If anything, they become a worse person because now they no longer have to be on their best behavior to "keep" you. You're stuck.
Married 11 years, lived with DH for 13.
1. Go to school and start a career. I say from hard experience, deciding to go back to school AFTER you're married w/ mortgage, responsibilities, etc. is a million times harder than it is when you are not tied to someone else's career or financial responsibilities.
2. Decide what is really important to you. Not what your parents think is important, not what your friends think is important, not what everyone does on TV or in the movies. If money is important to you and you don't want to spend your whole life poor, then that's up to you to decide. If looks are important and you really would be sorry to be married to someone who doesn't wear makeup or gains 100 lbs. then that's your choice and you have to live with it. Lots of folks marry according to the Life Script (you know, marry Prince Charming, buy a great big mortgage, have lotsa babies). They are shocked! horrified! when it turns out that Prince Charming develops a beer gut at 35 and the kids are little diaper-clad demons and the oppressive mortgage means they can't afford to divorce without declaring bankruptcy. So decide what sort of marriage YOU want, then go have that marriage.
3. Live together first. Say howevermany Hail Marys it takes to get forgiven for it by your church, but people are remarkably good at lying about themselves, especially their unsavory habits. Live together first, so you can see all those nasty habits in their full glory. I lived with three different fiances before finally marrying #3, and if I hadn't I would never have known a lot of horrible things about #1 & 2. People lie more than you can imagine.
4. Kids come post-marriage, IF (big if) you decide to have any at all. Once you have kids, you are stuck with their other biological parent FOREVER. Even if things don't work out and you end up divorcing your spouse, you still have to deal with visitation and child support and all the school plays and piano recitals and so forth. Be really really sure that Prince Charming isn't going to become Jack Daniels or that Ms. Perfect isn't deep down inside a Fatal Attraction. If you don't have kids and things don't work out, you're at least able to move on with the occasional aid of a restraining order. Family courts are stuffed chock-full of "Your Honor, we contend that Evil Ex is a Psycho hose-beast and therefore ineligible for full custody." Kids are expensive like you wouldn't believe, too, so think long and hard if you really want this person's kids because you love children so much or if you're doing it because everyone else does. For all the nasty things people will say to you about "when are you gonna have kids, you've been married for sooooo looooong" know that the nasty things parents say about who is the very best mommy and why you're a lousy parent for depriving your child of soda pop/R-rated movies/designer pants are WAY worse. Having someone's child will not make them love you more, either.
5. The wedding lasts one day. The honey moon lasts 1-2 weeks. If you happen to have $20,000 for a one-day party, or know someone willing to give you $20,000, spend the money on a house down payment instead. At least if you split up you can sell the house and get the money back. The important bit is how you live your life, not how great the DJ was. A magic dress and really great flowers will not make a good marriage. The stress of organizing all the stuff will make you crazy, too. Elope instead.
Not to say that other methods don't ever work, but you'd be handicapping yourself unnecessarily. Why make your life and relationships harder than they need to be?
Other advice, in no particular order:
-You don't need a lot of money to be married. You do need to have similar spending habits.
-Talking doesn't change ANYTHING. Actions speak louder than words. Lots of folks figure if they can just talk things out, it'll be OK. Even lots of therapists think this nonsense. You can talk till the cows come home, but if one of you is saying what they figure the other one wants to hear, nothing changes. Think about it: If your spouse says "I love you" or if your spouse massages your shoulders after a long day at work, which do you find more meaningful as a display of love?
-If you want you-know-what every night, hire Ms./Mr. RightNow instead of marrying Ms./Mr. Right. It's cheaper in the long run. Marriage is about commitment and long friendship, not you-know-what.
-The magic ring does not make anyone a better person or nicer, and for sure will not make the spouse love you more. If anything, they become a worse person because now they no longer have to be on their best behavior to "keep" you. You're stuck.
Married 11 years, lived with DH for 13.
Last edited:
Your spouse comes first; before the kids, in laws, your parents, your extended family, the spouse's extended family, and friends.
Honesty gets you a long way but sometimes its just better to lie
No one gave me any words of wisdom cause we just kinda did it one day. But I would say compromise on both parts and dont go to bed, or part for that matter, angry with each other. I would hate for something to happen to me or my wife and the last time we seen each other we had a fight and where mad at each other . Oh and even if she knows, tell you love her anyways
After 21 years my dads advice still stands up- Be sure you have a common enemy(mom said goal),be it the kids,money,place to be, or experience and no expectations of the other person except being there. That makes it more fun to do together.
Never have a large pot or pan in your house unless you like to eat the same thing for a week at the time
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