My best friend has depression and i don't know if i can help

[lcwmt]

hey Jemma! If it is not too personal a question, wherabouts in MD are you? Just a general area??? My mother's family was from the Eastern Shore, I lived in the state for a while before moving West
If I didn't love the Rocky Mountain West so much (and have lived here 2/3 of my life now!) I'd live in Maryland.

 

[cassie]

I was once in a situation similar to yours in that I had a dear friend with serious physical and mental health issues. She had severe asthma, depression, and I think she was bi polar to boot. I did the best I could to help her and in the end it impacted my own health and I was having trouble taking care of my obligations to my own family. I was fortunate enough to have a wise friend who was also a social worker. I will tell you what she told me and you can take it for what it is worth. First of all, she said you cannot save another person. They have to do this themselves. You can listen to and support them, but beyond that, the services of a mental health professional are needed. You do not have the skills or the capability of doing this yourself. Secondly, she told me that if a person goes off the deep end and does something drastic, remember that it was their decision. The chances that you could have prevented it are slim and none. I am just putting this out for what it is worth. I don't know if it will help you but it helped me.

Just a comment. I have a cousin who lives out of state and who is dealing with depression and anxiety. She sees a therapist and that helps, but the doctor just put her on some medication and she says it has helped her a LOT. That is something to think about too.

 

[elmoflim]

I used to have a really toxic friend that enjoyed causing drama and made me feel like I was the one saying the wrong things and not being a good friend. It sounds like maybe you have a toxic relationship with your cousin and friend. Maybe you two need some space apart and take some time to reflect on if she’s a friend with your best interest at heart. Which will be hard, but might be the best for you. Only you can figure out these answers. I don’t know how to add anything more helpful than the ones before’s advice(all great and should be taken into account.) Just remember yesterday’s problems are just defining you for your future self. Life gets chaotic sometimes, but there’s moments like watching baby chicks grow and become beautiful chickens it’s worth all the bad.

 

[Jemma Rider]

hey Jemma! If it is not too personal a question, wherabouts in MD are you? Just a general area??? My mother's family was from the Eastern Shore, I lived in the state for a while before moving West
If I didn't love the Rocky Mountain West so much (and have lived here 2/3 of my life now!) I'd live in Maryland.

I don't like getting into specifics for online safety (this forum is open to everyone after all). Not on the eastern shore anyway, I'm near more of a cityish area, i do have family on the eastern shore though, it's a wonderful place.

 

[Jemma Rider]

I was once in a situation similar to yours in that I had a dear friend with serious physical and mental health issues. She had severe asthma, depression, and I think she was bi polar to boot. I did the best I could to help her and in the end it impacted my own health and I was having trouble taking care of my obligations to my own family. I was fortunate enough to have a wise friend who was also a social worker. I will tell you what she told me and you can take it for what it is worth. First of all, she said you cannot save another person. They have to do this themselves. You can listen to and support them, but beyond that, the services of a mental health professional are needed. You do not have the skills or the capability of doing this yourself. Secondly, she told me that if a person goes off the deep end and does something drastic, remember that it was their decision. The chances that you could have prevented it are slim and none. I am just putting this out for what it is worth. I don't know if it will help you but it helped me.

Just a comment. I have a cousin who lives out of state and who is dealing with depression and anxiety. She sees a therapist and that helps, but the doctor just put her on some medication and she says it has helped her a LOT. That is something to think about too.

I'll keep that in mind. She's really one of the only good friends I've ever had, and up until we were twelve we were close as close could be, she changed when we entered our teenage years. Personally i like to think i haven't changed much at all, but now she's completely different. I put a lot of blame on my cousin, he changes people and rarely for the better, all i know is i feel like her mental state has gotten so much worse that if i breathe wrong she could snap.
thank you though, I'll take all of that under careful consideration.

 

[Brahma Chicken5000]

I know that you said you tried talking with a psychologist and it just wasn’t for you, but please let your parents know the concerns that you have about your friend. No one wants to be told that they have to take medication, but trust me from personal experience it really helps. Without my anxiety medicine I wouldn’t be able to ride escalators or go out and be comfortable making new friends. I stress easily and then I get anxious my medication is what keeps me on track. Of course it doesn’t hurt to have chickens, a supportive family, and a great community like BYC either . I know it’s hard to ask for help, but sometimes we don’t know all the answers and being young doesn’t make one invincible. So please Jemma talk it over with your parents they only want what is best for you and it hurts them if you are hurting.

 

[Jemma Rider]

I used to have a really toxic friend that enjoyed causing drama and made me feel like I was the one saying the wrong things and not being a good friend. It sounds like maybe you have a toxic relationship with your cousin and friend. Maybe you two need some space apart and take some time to reflect on if she’s a friend with your best interest at heart. Which will be hard, but might be the best for you. Only you can figure out these answers. I don’t know how to add anything more helpful than the ones before’s advice(all great and should be taken into account.) Just remember yesterday’s problems are just defining you for your future self. Life gets chaotic sometimes, but there’s moments like watching baby chicks grow and become beautiful chickens it’s worth all the bad.

my cousin for sure, I've distanced myself from him as much as possible but i still love my aunt and uncle and his sister, my other cousin.
my best friend maybe. She certainly doesn't do this on purpose. We both also suspect she has adhd which i understand makes everything worse for her. It's more just stressful because I'm never sure what's going to happen, one day she's doing good and we have some great conversations and the next she can barely get out of bed.
i guess the space thing is technically what we're doing now, her idea lucky for me i suppose. I always worry I'll make her feel bad with everything, i mean it only takes one misplaced comment and she completely falls apart.
Baby chicks are such a pleasure, i just got my first this year, they turned teen weeks old yesterday. They're even more calming then my adults, watching them discover the world is a wonder.

 

[sawilliams]

Yes i love my mom, she went through a lot of stuff when she was younger but got help when she was older so i have someone who i can talk to, i tried the whole counseling talking thing it just didn't work for me, i feel better when i can just hang out with my birds and read a book.
My best friend is getting help as well, that's pretty much what I'm worried about is her just giving up one day and me somehow being the cause for it, which i know is slightly illogical and i try to stick with logics when doing anything, but that obviously doesn't always work. Thank you very much,

I'm glad you seem to be doing better today. I wanted to point out becuase you mentioned a few times that seeing a professional didn't work for you. I can't even count anymore the number of drs, social workers and other professionals I've seen over the years for my issues but I can count on 1 hand how many of them have actually been helpful. The hardest thing about seeking help is being willing to keep looking for someone you trust and fell comfortable with. I've seen so many that feel judgy, or don't understand my personal preferance to not medicate, I've even had inthe that ask if I felt I was "just a women with issues" he was referring to PMS, and well yes I have issues but that's not one of them. I have been seeing my current dr now for over 10 years and I'm stressed becuase he is retiring soon, but he is trying to place all his clients with people he feels will be a good fit, I really hope it works out.

Please, remember though. Is not you job too help her. And you do really need to consider that if dealing with her causes you that much anxiety (even if it's only sometimes) is the relationship worth your own mental health? Don't be afraid to say goodbye to people that bring you down not only will it help you to be less stressed and focus on you, but sometimes they learn to become less dependant too

 

[lcwmt]

I don't like getting into specifics for online safety (this forum is open to everyone after all). Not on the eastern shore anyway, I'm near more of a cityish area, i do have family on the eastern shore
though, it's a wonderful place.

Of Course! That's why I said "Just a general area". MD is a wonderful and varied landscape.
Online privacy and safety are very important.

What is also important (and you probably know this) is that Maryland has fabulous support services available, to those who can ask. (I have not lived there for a long time but was responsible for a sibling with multiple and serious issues... There are good people working in the system. There are also folks who might not be the right "fit". That's just the nature of things.)

As others have mentioned, sometimes it takes some searching to find the right "helper", whether that's a doc, a counselor, a trusted neighbor or some other person.
Just know these things:
you do not have to save anyone but yourself, you are not alone and you can come here for feedback, support or just ears and shoulders! and we all love the little winged things; we get it.

 

[ChickNanny13]