My best friend has depression and i don't know if i can help

[Jemma Rider]

Of Course! That's why I said "Just a general area". MD is a wonderful and varied landscape.
Online privacy and safety are very important.

What is also important (and you probably know this) is that Maryland has fabulous support services available, to those who can ask. (I have not lived there for a long time but was responsible for a sibling with multiple and serious issues... There are good people working in the system. There are also folks who might not be the right "fit". That's just the nature of things.)

As others have mentioned, sometimes it takes some searching to find the right "helper", whether that's a doc, a counselor, a trusted neighbor or some other person.
Just know these things:
you do not have to save anyone but yourself, you are not alone and you can come here for feedback, support or just ears and shoulders! and we all love the little winged things; we get it.

Thank you, i certainty have some options to consider, I'm looking into my mother's old therapist but she only sees sixteen year olds so I'll need to wait about a year. I've just felt like for the most part I've been fine, since i got my birds i have somewhere to go to calm down when i have an issue and that in itself is a comfort. My big rooster especially, i think he knows when I'm not feeling great he and my hen Rosie refuse to leave me alone, i love my birds.

 

[elmoflim]

Thank you, i certainty have some options to consider, I'm looking into my mother's old therapist but she only sees sixteen year olds so I'll need to wait about a year. I've just felt like for the most part I've been fine, since i got my birds i have somewhere to go to calm down when i have an issue and that in itself is a comfort. My big rooster especially, i think he knows when I'm not feeling great he and my hen Rosie refuse to leave me alone, i love my birds.

They’re also great to vent to no judgment and always ready for treats and love

 

[Jemma Rider]

My best friend has returned.
She's back on Pinterest and she's apologized if she's stressed me out.
I'm to busy to deal with this right now, which may be really selfish but she seemed pretty understanding when i explained high school and my birds being sick (which she is also starting high school but that in itself probably stressed her out).
I was actually hoping for more time to think before she came back.
I'm worried about her, i don't know any specifics but i know that her usual friend group (which i have not been included in) has dragged her into some sort of drama. Of course if i say anything about that friend group she gets defensive and that's not ideal so i gave up on that years ago, the friend group involves my cousin as well.
I just don't know what to do for her now, I'm not a super emotional or understanding person, my own problems aside she deserves someone (needs someone) better then me. I don't know how to comfort her when she needs it.
when i was a kid we planned to move out and rent an apartment together and be co writers, for the longest time we've had these books we wanted to publish, i don't think that's going to happen we've just drifted apart over the last year, she's gotten closer to my cousin and their group and I've gotten closer to a possible career and my animal friends.
I guess now i just let our friendship run its course, i know most childhood best friends drift apart eventually i just expected mine to last a little longer.

 

[MissChick@dee]

My best friend has returned.
She's back on Pinterest and she's apologized if she's stressed me out.
I'm to busy to deal with this right now, which may be really selfish but she seemed pretty understanding when i explained high school and my birds being sick (which she is also starting high school but that in itself probably stressed her out).
I was actually hoping for more time to think before she came back.
I'm worried about her, i don't know any specifics but i know that her usual friend group (which i have not been included in) has dragged her into some sort of drama. Of course if i say anything about that friend group she gets defensive and that's not ideal so i gave up on that years ago, the friend group involves my cousin as well.
I just don't know what to do for her now, I'm not a super emotional or understanding person, my own problems aside she deserves someone (needs someone) better then me. I don't know how to comfort her when she needs it.
when i was a kid we planned to move out and rent an apartment together and be co writers, for the longest time we've had these books we wanted to publish, i don't think that's going to happen we've just drifted apart over the last year, she's gotten closer to my cousin and their group and I've gotten closer to a possible career and my animal friends.
I guess now i just let our friendship run its course, i know most childhood best friends drift apart eventually i just expected mine to last a little longer.

There’s a saying when you breaking up with a friend just be-that honest just say “it’s not you it’s me”. Let her know you just don’t feel as if you could help her anymore. If she’s a true friend she’ll worry about your happiness too. Just say please understand I have my own issues and I need to work on me otherwise I won’t be of any good for anyone.

 

[sawilliams]

It's ok to drift apart, I had friends i thought I would grow old with too. Then at mature and plans change. Don't let yourself get dragged into her drama. If she asks for advice tell her your staying out of it. Your a strong person with a good heart.

 

[Jemma Rider]

There’s a saying when you breaking up with a friend just be-that honest just say “it’s not you it’s me”. Let her know you just don’t feel as if you could help her anymore. If she’s a true friend she’ll worry about your happiness too. Just say please understand I have my own issues and I need to work on me otherwise I won’t be of any good for anyone.

Thank you, I'll take that under advisement when i figure out what I'm going to do, for now I'm just going to let it be, we're both busy with school and me with my animals.

 

[Jemma Rider]

I don't really know what to do.
if i somehow tell my friend that i can't handle our friendship anymore (in much gentler, kind terms of course), it will all be super awkward as i still see her all of the time in different homeschool clubs. And i don't want to lose the friends who are also close to her, specifically one friend who I've come to enjoy hanging out with a lot. I just don't want to hurt her she's already going through so much but i can't handle it anymore, it's constant stress and worry about her because i don't know what she'll do, she has people she can fall back on (the friend group who doesn't like me all that much) and her family is very supportive of her but i don't want to hurt her. I know everything will only get worse as we get older, more pressure, more responsibility is constantly being put on our shoulders and i can handle it whatever i need to do i can do it I'm prepared, responsibility is just part of growing up and I've always known how to deal with it but she falls apart at the slightest change or hardship, and now she's starting high school and all of this other stuff i don't want to add to her burden even though i think everything will be better for both of us if i don't drag this out.
Something has to give soon, i need to make a decision about something, anything really.

 

[sawilliams]

I don't really know what to do.
if i somehow tell my friend that i can't handle our friendship anymore (in much gentler, kind terms of course), it will all be super awkward as i still see her all of the time in different homeschool clubs. And i don't want to lose the friends who are also close to her, specifically one friend who I've come to enjoy hanging out with a lot. I just don't want to hurt her she's already going through so much but i can't handle it anymore, it's constant stress and worry about her because i don't know what she'll do, she has people she can fall back on (the friend group who doesn't like me all that much) and her family is very supportive of her but i don't want to hurt her. I know everything will only get worse as we get older, more pressure, more responsibility is constantly being put on our shoulders and i can handle it whatever i need to do i can do it I'm prepared, responsibility is just part of growing up and I've always known how to deal with it but she falls apart at the slightest change or hardship, and now she's starting high school and all of this other stuff i don't want to add to her burden even though i think everything will be better for both of us if i don't drag this out.
Something has to give soon, i need to make a decision about something, anything really.

You don't necessarily needed to tell her you can't be friends, just make it very clear that you won't take part or give you opinion about things that you and her clearly disagree on (ie the other friends). If she chooses to not talk to you becuase of it don't let it get to you, chances are some of the friends you do like will eventually see her choices with this other group and will move on too. There is a huge difference between being friendly and being friends. You can certainly be friendly and even hang out at school with out being friends after school. And the is no harm in hanging out with the same people as long as you can both be friendly. Heck you don't even have to like another person to be friendly, the difference is that you don't dislike her you just dislike some of her choices. You can choose to make yourself available if she needs help with other things, and you can still be friends if you want. Just make it clear that for certian issues you will either not give advice and ask to change the subject or that if she insists on your opinion remind her that she knows how you feel about those issues and she probably won't like or agree with what you have to say.

Truth is I have one of these friends, for a long time she would ask my advice but get upset and we wouldn't talk for sometimes months at a time. Eventually, we both learned there are simply things we view differently and it's ok to disagree, but something to that understanding wherewe don't get upset about it took a lift of time and maturity. We are still friends but sometimes when she asks for advice on certian issues I still have to remind her she might not like my opinion, and at the same time I have to remember not only might I upset her but there is a good chance she will ignore my advice. Is not my fault that she disagrees nor is it my fault she made a difference choice. But she knows how I feel and if it comes up again I gently remind her my opinion has not changed.

It's not an overnight thing for sure. Just change the subject and move on. If she won't change the subject make an excuse and find something else to do for a while. Neither are rude, both are just trying to help her understand that while you are willing to be friends (or friendly) you don't want to be involved in those issues.

 

[MissChick@dee]

Hey Jemma
Part of growing up is to learn how to cope with things.
HER coping skill is to get emotionally distressed and have others rescue her. Manipulating the situation so that others will walk on eggshells in “fear” that she might “go over the edge”. She has learned this automatically because of the attention she gets.
Another part of growing up is to learn to be assertive...this is not aggressive or mean or rude or hurtful. For some reason it’s harder for women to be assertive. Being assertive means YOU have confidence! You have already shown how kind your heart is how you only have good intentions and how you care about hurting people.
So be assertive. Don’t reward her bad behaviors or manipulation. For you to COPE you need to trust yourself and know that she will try many different tactics (emotional manipulation) to get her needs filled. That is not your responsibility!!
This is probably the most exciting time of your life, be a kid! Make all kinds of new friends. Find out what makes you happy. Find friends that pull you UP not bring you DOWN. I’m sure there’s others in your little group that feels the same way you do. I had friends that I felt sorry for. I stood up for them. I would always be kind to them. But I was assertive to let them know when it was just too much or they weren’t respecting me and I wasn’t going to be emotionally blackmailed. I would explain it nicely and if they reacted badly I’d let them know I’d be there for them when ever they were ready to respect me and my feelings. And until then I would not involve myself.
This is a learning/growing turning point for YOU!
Trust yourself be assertive. The more YOU practice this the easier it becomes. Lol trust me! Good luck kiddo...keep the posts coming.

 

[Jemma Rider]

Hey Jemma
Part of growing up is to learn how to cope with things.
HER coping skill is to get emotionally distressed and have others rescue her. Manipulating the situation so that others will walk on eggshells in “fear” that she might “go over the edge”. She has learned this automatically because of the attention she gets.
Another part of growing up is to learn to be assertive...this is not aggressive or mean or rude or hurtful. For some reason it’s harder for women to be assertive. Being assertive means YOU have confidence! You have already shown how kind your heart is how you only have good intentions and how you care about hurting people.
So be assertive. Don’t reward her bad behaviors or manipulation. For you to COPE you need to trust yourself and know that she will try many different tactics (emotional manipulation) to get her needs filled. That is not your responsibility!!
This is probably the most exciting time of your life, be a kid! Make all kinds of new friends. Find out what makes you happy. Find friends that pull you UP not bring you DOWN. I’m sure there’s others in your little group that feels the same way you do. I had friends that I felt sorry for. I stood up for them. I would always be kind to them. But I was assertive to let them know when it was just too much or they weren’t respecting me and I wasn’t going to be emotionally blackmailed. I would explain it nicely and if they reacted badly I’d let them know I’d be there for them when ever they were ready to respect me and my feelings. And until then I would not involve myself.
This is a learning/growing turning point for YOU!
Trust yourself be assertive. The more YOU practice this the easier it becomes. Lol trust me! Good luck kiddo...keep the posts coming.

I've never been a very assertive person, i try but most everything i say comes out jumbled and wrong.
I'm just trying to be her friend in the background now since she seems to like hanging out with her friend group and my cousin more then me, I'm thinking about distancing some of our stories as well (we're supposed to be writing a series of books together in our free time, sort of like a marvel cinematic universe except with books and just for fun, but it's been less then fun in recent times), i know that will take a lot of stress off both of us so win win (especially since I'm pursuing the culinary arts and pet care over creative writing so I'll have more time to study, i start a veterinary assistant class in a few months to see if it's right for me, and an animal care thing tomorrow). I don't know, i feel better now realizing that her mental health isn't all my responsibility, i don't feel as at fault when she has a break down.
Thank you very much, everybody on this thread has been great.