My husband left me and the kids.

[moodlymoo]

Quote:
This is 100% accurate. Children need to process the bad stuff in life too. It has to be age approprite and you have to be able to handle the difficult questions that will follow but just as we need someone to talk to and vent to so do our childrens

 

[chickened]

That should apply to the father then also. Telling kids that daddy is anything is inappropiate, all they need is to hear daddy loves them, as they get older and ask questions then maybe ask them "well what do you think of him?" and go from there. Kids seem to deal with these things better than adults from my experience and putting things continually in a childs head for them to "sort out" at 8 and 10 is just not prudent or expedient. Most likely all they really heard was "Daddy is leaving" anyhow the rest was bla bla bla. You do not feed chicks complete layer pellets.

This is not the time or place to debate which idea is best, my suggestions are just that, suggestions for the OP.

 

[Marcymom3]

So sorry you and your children are going through this terrible ordeal. There is never a good time for it to happen but sometimes the holiday season brings out the best and the worst in people. As others have said, you need to be honest with your children without seeming to flavor what you say with your own hurt. Can you tell them that their dad is sick and needs to get help before he can come home?Alcoholism is a disease and there is a treatment if it is sought.

Sadly, the lives damaged in the wake of it are the innocent children. You must protect them first and foremost. I hope that you will be able to explain the changes in your family to them in such a way that you don't become bitter. Whatever you do, don't give up on him as a person. You may already be over him as your spouse, and that is definitely understandable. Alcoholics do seek treatment and they do come out the other side better, stronger people. Your daughters will never stop needing that kind of dad.

You and your family will be in my prayers. Stay strong!

 

[CarolJ]

You're not to blame. His addiction to alcohol is to blame. Nobody has a perfect marriage - and nobody is perfect. Your husband won't get better until he takes personal responsibility for his actions and behavior. As long as he blames you, he'll continue to drink because that way he can justify it.

I believe both the 8 and 10 year old are old enough to be told the truth - straight facts, no blaming. Take control of your own life - you can do it. You'll be surprised how much his drinking brought the whole family down. You'll always be connected to him because of the kids - but that doesn't mean he has the right to bring down the entire family. My best wishes to you.

 

[CluckyJay]

 

[DuckLady]

Quote:
I wouldn't wait for the kids to ask. They might be afraid to ask because they already know their mom is upset and don't want to upset her more.

Kids are pretty intuitive about these things.

I think a good way to handle it is to sit down and say something like "I know you are wondering about Daddy. Then give them info they can handle, like daddy has a problem right now, but he loves us and I hope he can work it out....blah blah blah"

Always saying He and ME about the problem itself, not US, because kids will think it is their fault. Make sure they understand that is about Daddy, not the kids. And Daddy and Mommy's problems are NOTHING WHATEVER do do with the kids and their love for them.

 

[mom'sfolly]

Tell them that daddy has an illness. This illness makes him make bad choices and get into trouble. Tell them that the illness can be treated, but daddy doesn't want to treat it right now (remember, bad choices). One of his bad choices was to leave the family. If you wish, you can let them know that if daddy gets better, he may be back. Or you could let them know, now or later, that the accumulated bad choices from the illness make it impossible for daddy to come back.

There doesn't have to be any "mean drunk" talk. There doesn't even have to be any talk about alcohol, unless the kids have already made that connection.

My dad was a mean drunk. I can truthfully say, that as a 10-12 year old, I would have preferred having him gone forever, rather than making everyone miserable.

 

[TinyChickenLady]

Kids are pretty intuitive about these things.

I agree. I don't think they're always givent he credit they deserve. They're smarter than we think 99% if the time.

Tell them that daddy has an illness. This illness makes him make bad choices and get into trouble. Tell them that the illness can be treated, but daddy doesn't want to treat it right now (remember, bad choices). One of his bad choices was to leave the family.

That's what I think, too. It should be described as an illness and only an illness unless the kids push for a more detailed answer. They don't always have to know EVERYTHING but they should know some things. I hate seeing a child left in the dark, wondering and worrying.​

 

[redhen]

I can bet the kids already know that daddy drinks and that mommy doenst like it. Kids are smart and understand more than we give them credit for....
I would not hide what the problem here is....
Why protect a mans reputation that abandoned his family for the bottle?? He doesnt deserve to be protected and his "image" made a martyer to those kids...
Dont EVER bash him in front of the kids..but do tell the truth..

And i hate to say it..but i'm sorry, the kids are waaay better off with him leaving , then being raised with an alcoholic..
Hopefully he left early enough to not cause them any lasting damage.

 

[Elite Silkies]