My Thanksgiving story and why I need to talk to Santa

[aart]

Way to go aart, you made me get teary eyed. What a beautiful post!

Well, I did copy it from the internet.....but holiday consumerism is terrible, IMO.
It has warped us all, some more than others.

 

[Wee Farmer Sarah]

Well, I did copy it from the internet.....but holiday consumerism is terrible, IMO.
It has warped us all, some more than others.

X2

 

[Peepsi]

Hmmmmm......

Requiring hugs in order to get a "prize" seems so wrong to me.

I personally would not treat him any different just because he did not give a hug.
Maybe he was having a bad day...
Maybe he needed a nap...
Maybe we should not read to much into it all.

I always hated being forced to hug relatives or others at gatherings. I have never been a "hugger". It didn't make me less of a person or an unkind person.....it just meant I don't like hugs.

Perhaps a better way to be "connected" to the young man is to participate one on one in a game or project like Legos or something he likes to do. It gives a lot of gentle teaching moments that don't feel like "teaching him a life lesson".

I totally agree with the hugging part. I am not a hugger and close contact with other people usually makes me feel very uncomfortable.

However (and this is the crux of the OP's post)...the kid later did this:
"I then proceeded to ask the ones that hugged me what they wanted for christmas and began to leave the room before my despondent nephew shouted "what about me?!" I said "well you didnt hug me so why should I get you a present?" Instead of giving his aunt a big ol hug he said "well my mom is gonna be mad at you if you dont get me anything. Shes going to hate you.""

THAT is the part that was disrespectful, manipulative and rude. This is the part that makes the kid look like a sociopathic brat. Plus, the OP later said this wasn't a little kid. He was at least 9 years old, which is old enough to be able to respect your elders. If he says things like this on a regular basis, I'd worry about him.

I think a book about manners and treating people with respect would be a good gift for him, as others have said in this thread.

 

[Mybackyardpeepers]

I played the coal prank on my kids and my ex's kids. All it does is cause a bunch of tears and drama on Christmas. I did actually have presents for them in the end. Good luck!

 

[21hens-incharge]

I totally agree with the hugging part. I am not a hugger and close contact with other people usually makes me feel very uncomfortable.

However (and this is the crux of the OP's post)...the kid later did this:
"I then proceeded to ask the ones that hugged me what they wanted for christmas and began to leave the room before my despondent nephew shouted "what about me?!" I said "well you didnt hug me so why should I get you a present?" Instead of giving his aunt a big ol hug he said "well my mom is gonna be mad at you if you dont get me anything. Shes going to hate you.""

THAT is the part that was disrespectful, manipulative and rude. This is the part that makes the kid look like a sociopathic brat. Plus, the OP later said this wasn't a little kid. He was at least 9 years old, which is old enough to be able to respect your elders. If he says things like this on a regular basis, I'd worry about him.

I think a book about manners and treating people with respect would be a good gift for him, as others have said in this thread.

Yes he ended up being disrespectful....but....at Christmas it is possible to scar a kid more than other times.

I feel it is better to build bridges than walls with kids.

 

[Peepsi]

Yes he ended up being disrespectful....but....at Christmas it is possible to scar a kid more than other times.

I feel it is better to build bridges than walls with kids.

I agree with you there, but how to build a bridge, without enabling bad behavior? I think that's the challenge. This is interesting to me (I almost chose psychology as a major). What is the best method to help the child, without enabling the poor behavior?

 

[21hens-incharge]

I agree with you there, but how to build a bridge, without enabling bad behavior? I think that's the challenge. This is interesting to me (I almost chose psychology as a major). What is the best method to help the child, without enabling the poor behavior?

From my perspective it is doing one on one time and the result be for a charity.....
It needs to be a positive experience 100% so kindness, patience and praise really need to be the focus.

There are so many things to teach and learn doing that.

 

[imnukensc]

I told his parents about this. His dad laughed and his mother was shocked and angry.

Give the dad the coal. The kid just needs his a$$ kicked, but daddy ain't gonna do it because he's not a man.

 

[Ted_Harrell]

Some times it is hard to know when a child has passed the point where they get trophies for just participating and move into the realm of actually having to do something to win the prize. People are funny about their children and making them see what their child has done normally results in them turning a blind eye and resenting you instead. I'm not saying to give the spoiled brat what he wants but I am saying don't expect his parents to see that they don't have a little angel either. Good luck with this issue as it sounds like I am going to be no help either way on this one...

 

[IamRainey]

Looks like you've already had lots of advice. Not sure mine will be any more helpful but here goes anyway...

My grandson is a sweetheart. At 9 he's sensitive and caring but when he was younger he didn't like hugging or, really, a lot of physical contact. It was frustrating for the adults who loved him but we respected his sensibilities. And now that he's older when he hugs it's a genuine thing that's as nice for him as it is for us.

Basic good manners, OTOH, were something we expected right from the beginning. When he and I went on errands to, say Costco or Trader Joe's where samples are offered, he had to wait for a turn, make eye contact -- something that was also uncomfortable for him -- ask "may I have some?" in a loud clear voice and then say "thank you" so he was heard. Some of the busy sample folks didn't have the time to interact with him. Most of them kvelled and said something like "you have better manners than most adults". And I would tell him how much people appreciated good manner and how well disposed they would feel toward him and how much more pleasant it would make his life to be around people who enjoyed his company. Heavy and abstract concepts for a kid who could barely see over the sample tray but the message got through and now he's more confident and easy in his dealings with people who aren't familiar to him. Most importantly, he's kind.

Seems like it's your nephew's parents you need to have the discussion with. They're the ones who need to understand that his life will be more difficult, colder. He'll be more unhappy and his life will be less rewarding if he's someone who engenders resentment or aversion that could easily be avoided by some manners and consideration for others. Loving and being loved will come harder to him if he doesn't master empathy for others. This is important stuff for them to think about and begin to deal with. And you're right to be concerned about it.

As for Christmas, I wouldn't single him out to not get a present -- especially if gifts are exchanged at a family event. I wouldn't make a present an opportunity for snark like coal but as someone before me said, maybe socks and underwear is the way to go. But it's also a fair point that gifts are an expression of the relationships and affections we share not payments due. Mostly, do what's in your heart. Be genuine about whatever it is you do.

And have a lovely warm holiday with the people you love and who love you!