Need advice on step child please

[ratlummountain]

i mean absolutely NO offense by this, but why would you willingly marry into this situation?
sounds kind of like you're setting yourself up for disaster.

 

[Rosalind]

Sounds like your fiance and his ex need to sort out what THEY are going to do about this before you can step in. For me personally, I would not marry into such a relationship because the kid is going to cause such an issue in your relationship that it will be hard to overcome.

You can lay down the law in your house, and always be the bad guy because your future husband won't back you up. And spend all your energy and time trying on the stepdaughter instead of your marriage, your work, your hobbies. This does not sound like a good option to me.

You can lay down the law with your fiance and tell him that HE needs to solve this problem NOW so that YOU can tolerate living with his child and the shared-custody arrangements. He can solve this problem in many ways:

-If he hates the ex so much, and she is doing so poorly, then he could try to get full custody on the grounds that the ex is not a good parent. Then the stepdaughter will not have several days per week of monster behavior allowed.

-He could suck it up and talk to his ex and set some firm boundaries and discipline, however that has to be done (informally, through courts, through mediation etc).

-He could let the ex have full custody, and visit the stepdaughter only once in a while, and make discipline the ex's problem.

-He could send the stepdaughter to boarding school. This was the solution my mother used when I was being a difficult teenager, and I think it worked pretty well. They make a point of teaching teenagers appropriate behaviors. This is an expensive option, but if her grades pick up she can get a scholarship. Getting teenagers away from frustrated or lazy parents in general, and putting them in the hands of someone impersonal enough to discipline thoroughly often helps quite a lot. Many boarding schools have equestrian programs, so she might find that less punitive if she gets to ride on a daily basis, or if it's sold to her as a reward for being such a good horsewoman.

I'm sure there's other options I just can't think of off the top of my head. Good luck to you, it sounds like you'll need it.

 

[AhBee01]

I agree you need to talk to your boyfriend before this gets bad, and it will. He needs to see he needs to be her father not her friend. Maybe you and your BF can talk to her mother, you are in her life, and should have some say in how things are handled when in your care. My DH in my twins step dad, if it wasn't for him my kids would be monsters. We made a plan together and we backed each other up. Talk to him and let him know that for his daughters sake he needs to do something before she finds drugs and alcohol.
Talk to the school counselor together , and tell you boyfriend you want to try family counseling to help set up some rules and to help you all get a long. If you can try to let her mother know you are not trying to tell her how to parent, that you just want to be on the same page for her daughters sake. Make it be all about her daughter, be honest about the drug talk that it is scary to you,and you want to handle it right and not blow it off because you are afraid she will really start trying them out!
She seems to be trying to use you for guidance and that is a good thing.
12 is a tough age to begin with, top that with her parents being split up and now a wedding. She probably feels overwhelmed.
Why can't you talk to her Mother? Does she refuse to or your boyfriend doesn't want you to?
Is she just being very unreasonable? My ex's new wife was impossible so I know that some people are just unreasonable to be a pain!
My ex really had nothing to do with raising his boys, most of that was because his wife hated them and wanted nothing to do with them. At least you care.
I hope all works out, but I agree I'd try to get things in motion before the wedding. If anything it will show that you aren't doing this because now you are his new wife!
Brenda

 

[arwmommy]

My parents were divorced when I was 7, and both were remarried within 2 years. I have spent the majority of my life HATING my stepfather because he came in and wanted to set all the rules and be "the parent" and control everything. It became me vs. him, and it came to the point where we couldn't even stand to be in the same room as each other. It pulled my mom and stepdad apart because she was always in the middle, often siding with me and my sisters. They hate each other now.

My stepmom was loving, but distant. We knew she didn't really like us, but she was wise and patient enough to let my father parent us when we were there. When there was a problem, they discussed it, and then pulled me into the conversation. When I warranted a punishment, it was from my father. She was stoic and stable, and I knew she was gritting her teeth half the time, but we always respected the fact that they loved each other, and she let my father take the lead with us. It was incredibly disrupting to have the divorce, but the remarriages were 100 times harder.

Your job as a stepparent is to be there as a support to your spouse and a mentor to your stepchild. (This does not mean letting them get away with stuff, or encouraging bad behavior). It is the BIOLOGICAL parents responsibility to discipline, and both your fiance's and his ex wife's responsibility to decide what the rules are and enforce them (or not).

If you look at this situation, and you don't like how he parents, you need to step back and look at HIM.... you are going to be raising his daughter, and any future children you might have with this man. Parenting is HARD! It is HARD when they are your biological children that you love to death! It is HARD when you and your spouse totally agree on parenting styles and discipline techniques! It is impossible to parent, or to be in a marriage, where you are resentful of his parenting, you are trying to do more and he is undermining you, and the dynamic becomes you vs. the stepdaughter with him in the middle.

DO NOT MARRY HIM UNTIL THIS IS WORKED OUT. It will be a nightmare for the child and for your relationship. Good luck. Make an appointment with a therapist. It will be the best money you have ever spent.

 

[PurpleChicken]

There's been a lot of good advice here already.

My thoughts are:

1-The damage has already been done. If she is like this at 12, even if you
were her parent, there is not a lot you can do other than try to guide her
into becoming a women.

2-Who are her friends? What are her influences? Kids can be pretty dark.

3-I believe the best thing a step-parent can be to a child that old is a friend
or "big sister" type. Avoid confrontation. Don't be a whimp but don't fight
her. Try to work on her positives, don't confront her on the negatives.

4-I know it sounds insensitive but don't marry this guy yet. He is partly to
blame for her situation. You are setting yourself up for disaster.

Have faith in her. Stay close to her. Be patient. You obviously care for this
child. You can make a difference.

 

[purplebaby]

i dont know your whole situation, however i have been the custodial mother in a bad sitution with my kids bio father and a step mother. let me share our story...
they adored her at first. he and i got along and i liked her. she then moved in with dad. she then wanted to run it all her way over there. little by little it all deteriorated, as she then wanted to run my house also. she way overstepped causing the children to begin to hate her for"attacking" me. we then received notice that he was filing for full custody. she wanted my daughters. cited in is reasons for the change in custody: my daughter cut her hair in a way they did not like, the girls and i watched "brokeback mountain" while eaing "gay food" with my "girlfriend" (a surprise to both of our husbands) thus promoting a gay lifestyle, i forced them to become wiccan (??). there were various other silly things like this.
so thousands of dollars and 2 years later he wound up with less visit than he had before, many many bad feelings, protection orders(he threatened to kill me) and founded cps charges (they put hands on my daughter) against him and her. and they broke up on top of it.

my thoughts here are: be very very careful about this. you need to have the situation evaluated by a therapist. be sure it is good for you.
my daughters adore their stepfather who has been patient loving kind and is able to give and enforce rules, so every case is different.

 

[Cheryl]

Both my parents remarried after divorcing, though it was long ago and a lot of rules seem to have changed... As your fiance knows the issues, why don't all 3 of you start by setting the rules in your house, sit down and work them out together. At 12 she knows what is right and wrong...maybe this will be the beginning of cleaning up her whole week! Have her sign a "contract' and list the negatives and positives (bonus / punishment) Good luck!

 

[PurpleChicken]

Just a note on therapists. There are good ones and bad ones,
as in any field. I know several personally. A few are complete
whack jobs, a few are wonderful caring people, and a few are just
pill pushers. (I'm not saying there is anything wrong with medication
if it's needed)

If you go that route make an appointment with a few and see which
one you and her feel the most comfortable with. Your relationship
with your therapist, psycologist, psyciatrist should be a long productive
one.

The best one I know is an APRN who does counseling. She was a
psyc nurse for many years then went back and got her masters
from Yale. As an APRN she can prescribe. Her nursing background
makes her care and understand. (Nurses are the best) She's awesome.
Look for someone like that.

 

[gritsar]

What a coincidence this topic should come up now. Today I am meeting my SO's adult daughter for the very first time. She and her b/f and the grandchild (child of his other daughter) are visiting. Been together 4 1/2 years and I'm just now meeting them....long story there. Anyhow, when they first got here this morning the daughter had a definite 'tude towards me. I conveniently went to the post office to give her time to decompress and things have been fine since I got back home.
Two things have helped me and might bring you a tiny bit of help, even though you are dealing with a much younger person.
First, my SO made it clear to his daughter that although he loves her more than life itself, he also loves me and she doesn't have to like me but she does have to respect me. He also knows that I would not allow anything but respect for him from my kids. Communication has been the key with us. We, the SO and I had discussed very far in advance how we (I) would deal with his daughters and what I could and could not tolerate.
Secondly, and I know this may not help you much, a friend of mine knew I was dreading this time and gave me this quote from Amy Grant's book about blending families:
Can't go over it, Can't go under it, Can't go around it, Have to go thru it!
Good Luck and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

 

[lacyloo]

I think she is depreesed, being a teen or "pre teen" it's hard for alot of 12-14 year olds in school. she may need, some consoling and a good prescripion.