I would not take the older lady's comments so hard. Many older folks have what's called 'labile mood' and their mood just ping pongs around to extremes. They also very often will forget where they put something and then think someone stole it. They can't remember. They can't help it.
I worked at a nursing home and listened regularly to cries of, 'they're all tryin' a KILL ME!', 'You all hate me!', 'I hate being here!!!!' and the like. It is of course hard for an older person to make a change and that can be a part of it too. The people who seemed to handle it the best at the nursing home, and the relatives who visited most often, were just - they just did not let any of it phase them.
I think just try to give her as much say so as you can in what affects her, do something nice for her, a boquet of flowers, a pie, something just peaceful and quiet and nice.
I recall one resident was crying on about how her grandchildren never visited her, her daughter got all upset and started shouting back, 'they do SO visit! they were just here'.
Then I watched a nurse handle it. She comes in with a cup of tea, gives the daughter a HUGE SMILE that says, 'you poor thing I know it's frustrating' and says, 'Mrs. Jones, are you upset, what's wrong dear?' 'Well my grandchildren never visit', 'Oh that feeling must make you awful sad'. 'Yes, and they just never visit'. 'How sad for you'. Old lady smiles brightly, 'Is that my tea?' 'Why yes it is, I was just thinking it's about time to bring you your tea, so here it is, just the way you like it'. 'Well thank you'. 'Oh now Mrs Jones, I do remember when your grandchildren came, wasn't the younger one wearing a beautiful pink dress? I think we have a picture of that'. 'I guess we do....', 'And I think I really liked that pink dress'. 'I did too'. 'And the girls they sewed those dresses, didn't they?' 'Yes.' 'And didn't they bring you a pink sweater and a card?' 'Why I think they did' 'Let's look at it together, oh yes, here it is'.
And no, I don't recall each word just right, but that's about how it went. Me and the daughter were both sitting there with our mouths hanging open in amazement but I never forgot it. A good lesson. The other thing she said was so simple - 'if you want them to calm down, give them something they can hold in their hand, best is something to eat'. Gives them something else to focus on. The other thing she told me was stick to a routine. Anything else throws them off and makes them nervous.
At one point I asked one of the nurses, 'How do you do it?' 'You jus don't get upset, that's all, think about something else'.
The thing is, the nurse isn't any smarter or better a person than any relative. They just have the practice and the training. Of course the relative has another issue, they feel pressured, worried, defensive about doing right by the relative, and they have pressure on them so they can't as easily relax, but it can be done.
