Poll!! Am I being unfairly mean??

[saddina]

Tell your son you love him and the kids, always will, they are welcome to stay, but you can no longer live with the chaos that his wife brings to the home. when they move on, she's not going to suddenly become a saint or stable, but knowing he has a place may gine him the confidence to walk away later.

 

[Hippie Chickie]

Twenty years ago my uncle and his wife divorced. She was bi polar and rarely took her meds. He got custody. Kick you Dil to the curb and help your son find a good lawyer.

 

[AngieChick]

Quote:
You have to weigh the costs and benefits of this decision. Do you really want to be isolated from you husband, son and grandchildren? Right or wrong, it seems from your post that it's possible. Only you know the whole story and what is right for you and your situation.

It sounds like your DIL has some severe mental health issues interfering with her ability to function. That makes it a very tough situation for all involved. When dealing with mental illness, the "common sense" approaches don't tend to be effective. It becomes much more complicated.

 

[LaneKim]

Quote:
Have you all forgotten that her son is "in love" with this woman???! She is his wife! And if he no longer is in loe with her then he needs to divorce her otherwise your job is not to fix their problems its to fix your s and get out of your Dil life and worry about your own. I know shes horrible but he loves her and that's more important than almost any thing im not saying don't kick her out if she's going to ruin everything by all means do what you got to do....but I think if you just kick them out hes going to chose his wife over you and that means they are going to go god knows where and not have a steady household and maybe even no roof over their heads those kids need stability. kick the parents out and take the kids tell him your going to watch the kids while they go figure their life out, they can come back everyday to see those kids call as much as they like but until they have a steady home and jobs or some means of taking good care of the kids and themselves you will take care of them so that they can go get counseling or whatever they need to do you may not like that option but that's what we think you should do obviously its up to you but thats what my mom told me she would do if this was my life.
-Lexi-

 

[CityChicker]

I think some of the advice you are getting is just horrible (here I go with my opinionated self again, LOL). If you give your son an ultimatum about his wife, you are just asking for trouble.

Also, the lack of compassion some people here are showing for your daughter in law is astounding to me. I am a person that believes mental disorders can be largely based in biology, as any other illness of the body. Bipolar is something that is treated medically, ie with medications, lifestyle modifications, even diet.

Would any of you recommend that a person with cancer or diabetes be thrown out or that demands be made to the son to end his relationship with the person? That's a rhetorical question. I think some of what people are saying goes back to the archaic thinking that mental disorders are somehow "lesser than" physical disorders. Some people almost seem to see mental disorders as a character flaw. Even a Bipolar not taking their meds is a symptom of the ILLNESS, not somehow a negative personality trait.

I have lived with somehow with Bipolar. I *know* how hard it is, but I believe people with an illness like this need to be shown a ton of compassion for the sheer torture that their lives can be for them. Again, just my humble opinion. We are all free to disagree and no offense is meant.

 

[Southernbelle]

CityChicker, having lived with a bi-polar person, what do you suggest? How do you insist they take their meds? Otherwise this person is very disruptive and negative.




Just a side-note: I take Strattera for ADHD, which is also used for bi-polar (I am not bi-polar) and it is a hard, hard med to take. Within 2 hours of taking it, I get so nauseous and the nausea lasts for hours. All I can do is lay down and read until it goes away. Even when the nausea passes, I lose my appetite for the rest of the day. It's hard to sleep, too, like I can't shut my mind off.

I love how my mind feels when I take my medicine - so calm and easy to think - but, oh my, is it hard on the body! I've lost 40lbs and counting.

 

[CityChicker]

Yeah, that is the hard part- convincing them to get treatment and stick with it. The person in my life that is Bipolar started taking this drug, Lamictal, and within a couple months they were a completely different person and have remained so for a few years now. A couple of weeks ago, they mentioned to me that they thought they might not really be Bipolar and were thinking about going off the drugs. My heart just sunk, but that is *very* typical with Bipolar.

First and foremost, if you haven't done so already, I would sit down alone with the person (the OP or anyone else dealing with this) and just try to have a one on one heart-to-heart conversation with them. Just showing you care and that you legitimize their illness can make all the difference in the world. If they feel like you don't understand or look down on them, that will definitely affect how things go as well and not in a good way.

At any rate, you can't force a person to stay on their meds and it can become quite frustrating. You can only try to reason with them and progressively enlist the help of others if you can't make headway with them. If that still doesn't work, then I would try to negotiate with them, ie. stay on your meds and get treatment or you may have to move out. Every situation is different, but I would start with that.

 

[horsejody]

Quote:
The link leads to:
Quote:
Most of the "Thou Shalts" assumes that the young couple is off on their own and not sponging off Mom and Dad.

 

[crait]

I would just talk to her about it but still let her get in it. How often would she get in it if she isn't out of the basement much?

 

[LaneKim]

Most of the "Thou Shalts" assumes that the young couple is off on their own and not sponging off Mom and Dad.

[yes but not all of them
these she can do when they are living with her except maybe the 2nd one...
Thou shalt love, honor and respect the new couple.
Thou shalt allow them complete independence
Thou shalt speak only kindly and loyally about them.
Thou shalt not find fault

birdnutz has to help them get to these points before she can follow this but that does not necessarily mean try to work their marriage out for them.. their are grown adults and its time they woke up to that fact they need to fix this themselves like i said before tell them to go figure things out while you watch the kids because they are no longer going to live with you when they can make it on their own if the DIL jus got off her you know what! I assume they began living with you because something put them in a situation where they needed a place to stay and ther was no way to get it on their own. When they moved in was their any type of plan to what was going to happen and when they would leave?​