I helped my dad when my grandma died and I was horrified at what a racket the funeraly industry is! So I have made plans. My poor sister is executor of my will so she will have to deal with it all. I figure it's payback for all the grief she gave me as children.
Here's the plan:
- I want her to pick out the cheapest casket in the joint. None of this embossed mahogany with silver tracing stuff. I want the really ugly pea green casket with genuine embroidered polyesdter lining. If she can find a pine box, go for it. Take the money you would have spent on the casket, buy a lovely coffee table and think of me fondly every time you prop your feet on it.
- If I'm going to be laying in an ugly casket than I need plastic flowers. Plastic, not silk. That's clearly too fancy. Plastic all the way. You can then place them all on the grave where they will fade to white. It'll be lovely!
Take the money you save here and go buy a tree. I'm partial to sugar maples, but whoever is coughing up the dough for that sucker can choose what they like.
- By all means put me in a bad 80's pantsuit. If you can find an ugly 70's version in pink polyester with huge lapels, go for that.
- Clearly I'm going to need makeup. Now, in life I don't wear lot of makeup, but in death I want it all. Huge blue eyeshadow, lots of thick mascara, bright red lipstick and circles of cream rouge. I want people to look in the casket, sigh and say "Now don't she look natural...". The makeup job must be bad enough that they then go stand in the corner and talk behind my sister's back. "Can you believe what she did to her? That's horrible. Citygirl is going to haint (haunt) her!".
- At the service you must sing all my favorite hymns. If you can throw in some of the cheesy camp songs we have sung since that ill fated summer camp experience, it would be great too. Heck, I don't care what you sing as long as you laugh and hug and smile while you do it.
- Bury me where you will. I don't really care. I do think it'd be nice to plant a tree next to me and make my headstone a bench so people can sit and rest in the shade. We just don't think we sit and rest enough.
I hate the concept that people get suckered into spending outrageous amounts of money while they are grieving for a loved one. The unspoken attitude when we were taking care of Grandma was "If you really loved her you would spend the money." It was horrible. It cannot cost $8000 to build one of those caskets. The flower arrangements cost $300-400 when I could have bought the flowers for about $40. It was horrible. I would much rather my family spend the money on something they really need or really want rather than pouring it down a hole in the ground.
