Rant about DH...

[Frosty]

welsummerchicks, I just wanted to say that I am sure that a lot of time and thought went into your reply... and as I read it I was alternating between laughing and crying. I am not sure where the crying came from, maybe you struck a chord? I did threaten to walk once... that's when he saw the counselor in the first place. I told him that he really needed help, perhaps he wasn't ready at the time? Maybe now that he is willing to acknowledge that he is depressed it would work better? They did put him on Zoloft, and it made him paranoid delusional. While I was at work I guess he found himself cowering in a corner with a gun, convinced that somebody was out to get him. So understandably, he doesn't want to try meds again. While I know that they all aren't the same, after a terrifying experience like that I don't think I would want to try again either.

The man has been abandoned too many times in his life... first by his mother, then his first marriage lasted 8 years when his ex split and took their 4 year old daughter with her. Then the daughter was only interested in him for what was in his wallet, as soon as the child support stopped she disappeared. I think I have located her on Facebook, and wrote a message asking her to contact DH if she was his daughter, no reply. DH won't try writing to her because he is afraid she will reject him again. Add that to losing his diving and the job that he loved... I don't think he really knew how it all was affecting him. I tried telling the therapist about it to give him a direction to work towards, I don't think he did anything with the information. Unfortunately, understanding why someone is acting like they are doesn't mean that it's easier to live with them. But rant over, you guys put me back on my feet so I can jump back into the fight and I truly appreciate it!

Sending him to the neurosurgeon isn't necessarily saying that it's really bad, they are sending him there because that is who will evaluate the situation and recommend a course of action. They sent me to one for my back issues and I was told of a few things that I could try to see if physical therapy would work. By paying attention to when my back would go out, I found that chairs with lumbar support really aggravated it. Any pressure, internal or external is painful. Ironically, what actually helped was to retire from the military. Part of the uniform is a belt, I quit wearing one when I retired. After losing a bunch of weight, my pants were loose so I put a belt on to hold them up and could barely walk that night. DH never gave me the chance to just sit, and now I think he feels bad about that. But I told him that in hindsight, I think he actually did me a favor. If I would have just sat around, I would probably still be sitting.

I talked to DH this morning and asked him to do me a big favor. He looked like he was dreading what I was going to ask but said he'd try. I asked him to do some thinking and come up with some ideas for things we can do together, that I missed it and missed spending the time with him. He mentioned working in the garden right off the bat, then later he added a few projects for us to work on so I think he was actually giving it some thought? It's really strange, I know he doesn't read stuff on BYC (not sure if he really even knows that it exists), but he seemed to be in a better mood tonight. He was talking about things other than his pain level and actually talked a bit about back when we first started going out, how he didn't want to let me get too close because he was afraid that after a while I would think that it was a mistake and leave. Some of the stuff he mentioned, you would think he read all of this, but I know he didn't. We are mentally connected, and will often say something that the other is thinking. Sometimes really off the wall stuff.

But I will do some research and see what therapists are available and see if I can find one that will be a fit. We won't have a ton of choices. The population in the whole state is less than there are in some cities, around 650,000 in the state and 36,000 in the closest 'city'. This isn't something that I can really talk over with close friends, they will either say what they think I want to hear, or loyalty will keep them from being objective.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart! Deep breath...

 

[annaraven]

Ignore what I posted. Welsummerchicks nailed it.
Glad to see things are looking up as well!

 

[welsummerchicks]

That reaction to zoloft often happens when someone has been depressed a long time without adequte treatment.

In my simple way, I think of it as the body has tried for a long time, to make itself hypersensitive to several signalers in the brain, that are not being carried along well enough.

The body gets plenty of the basic chemicals and things it needs to make its signalers(neurotransmitters. If you study this mechanism of the brain and how it sends signals and does its work, and keeps all parts of the brain coordinated, you will believe in God! It is unbelievably incredible. It is a foolproof system - ALMOST!

So the brain is happily and busily going about making signalers. The signalers tell the brain cells to do things. Hey! Wake up! Do something! Make this protein or gene. Yes genes get used to do everyday things in the brain all the time.

If the signalers don't get to where they should be going - every other part of the brain is just sitting around, doing nothing. It's like a bottleneck or a traffic jam. You see a person who can't seem to do anything, can't decide, can't change habits, just sits there...inside, there's a massive traffic jam going on.

What's actually not working right is the mechanism that moves the signalers from nerve to nerve. There are usually plenty of signalers. That's not usually the problem.

A ferry molecule is SUPPOSED to carry the signalers across to the next nerve.

But what happens is the individual ferries get 'taken up' too soon. It's as if a boat went out of port and got told, 'go back to port' before it made enough trips across the river. People stand waiting at the river's edge - the boat is nowhere.

Instead, that ferry molecule quits working too soon. The signalers are just waiting at the edge of one nerve to get jumped to the next nerve. Nobody ever comes to take them across!

Most of these antidepressants don't make any huge changes to your chemistry. All they do is just very gently NOODGE those ferries to just keep on working for JUST a little longer before they quit work.

So why does an antidepressant make some people nervous, or even suspicious?

When the medication finally increases the signaler activity, it's too much of a boost to just one signaler. A medicine with a little "softer" action - that means one that helps several different types of signalers a very small amount instead of just making one more active.

Like I said, what has happened to him is really sad. MANY people give up after trying one medicine. But what it means is that they need to try a different type of medicine.

It is possible actually, by very costly testing, to determine which medicine would work best on the first try. But insurance companies and the VA and NOBODY wants to get into that level of costly tests. They'd rather just hand out a medicine that often works for most people, and if it doesn't, try something else.

I'm hoping one day those tests can be done very cheaply - people will just go in, sit in front of an MRI-sort-of-type thing, and know what medicine to try the first time. At perhaps at some point, a medicine will be custom made for each person. A test will show, 'that molecule in that medicine is going to bother that person - take it out'.

INSTEAD, we have a lot of discouraged, scared people who think nothing's going to work for them.

THE TECHNOLOGY TO SOLVE THAT - WE BASICALLY HAVE. BUT IT IS EXPENSIVE. SO GUESS WHAT. I KNOW, it makes me mad but we just aren't there yet. Making technology we already have be affordable, that's the trick.

Our health care, for mental health issues, basically - well - you need to not be mentally ill to get yourself good care, because if you already feel discouraged and lost, it's awful hard to stom[p up and down and get what you need. It's kind of a catch 22. You have to just be tough and persistent to get the medicine and treatment that works for you.

And no. Just counseling doesn't work for everyone. But even if the answer for a person is a medicine, you add counseling on TOP of that, when the medicine is giving them what they need to allow their brain to function more normally, then you really have a dynamite combination.


It's just like when I broke my hand. The surgeon got the tendons cleaned up. I said, 'okay, now it's fine, right?' He laughed his head off. 'NO, it's not fine! I just gave you a chance at a clean start. The rest is up to you! Start exercising!' he says. I said, 'but it hurts' and he said 'SO WHAT'.

You wouldn't get anywhere if you didn't first get the tendon fixed. But once it's healed, you get a far better result by exercising that hand. That's exactly how mental health medicines and counseling work together.

The medicine gets the molecules moving, the counseling is just like exercising that hand. Building new habits, new ways of dealing with what life throws atcha.

 

[EweSheep]

Quote:
I need to print this out and post it on the refigerator for ME LOL! Living in constant pain, not fun! Depressed, no but there are times I want to

hubby for being such a baby when he is in pain while I am dealing with pain all the time. Oh suck it up!

 

[welsummerchicks]

I had to go to the hospital for emergency surgery - hemorrhage.

I was told I'd be under 3 hours, if I woke up after 6 hrs, I had cancer and they had to resect my bowel.

I woke up after 14 hours. Someone was yelling my name and pinching me. I had flat lined.

It was about 4 days before I was completely conscious or remembered anything.

I had a morphine pain pump. I was draining that sucker every few minutes.

I told my roomate, 'I feel like such a wussy, draining this morphine'.

She smiled at me and said very kindly, 'Everybody pain different'.

Always remember that.

Everybody pain different.

 

[EweSheep]

Whoa, Welsummerchicks, glad you are here!

 

[AllTheseCreatures]

Welsummerchicks is awesome.

I think not feeling like you have anyone to talk to about this struggle makes it so much more difficult! Finding a good therapist takes time. Try to be patient and don't give up!

One of the most valuable/helpful things my therapist every told me was to find an hour each day that is mine and spend it in alone in silence. It has required a bit of coordination with my DH, but I find it! Sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes I write about my troubles, sometimes I just sit and listen to the sound of my heartbeat and my breathing. It has helped me keep perspective, feel peaceful and optimistic more than anything else I have tried. It puts me in a frame of mind to cope and find to the strength to keep going. I think anyone who struggles with mental illness or a close loved one with mental illness needs time spent pursuing a peaceful and private place every day.

 

[Orchid]

Disclaimer: I did not have time to read all the posts, only those by the OP.

Frosty, this is probably going to sound weird, but...have you ever considered moving back to someplace warm, close to the ocean, where the sun shines more than it doesn't? I know how hard the winters can be for me and my DH and we have lived in MN all our lives. I simply can't imagine moving to this climate from warm sunny Guam, especially for someone who loves to dive as your DH did/does, then having a job setback, then some health problems...I think there is a very good reason a lot of retired folks become "snowbirds".

I'm not trying to say that would be the whole solution to your DH's issues, but it might be something to consider.

 

[QuinnP]

o my my hubby complains about how sick & delicate (snort) he is & how the world stresses him out too. He whimpers & moans & cries & it makes me want to knock my head against the wall & scream like a banshee. And I cant tell him to grow a pair because it would upset him.He is suffering from depression & also boredom. Nobody to play music with, he hates TV, &he's scared to walk around outside. He has one friend who sits around like a giant pimple & another who drinks beer all day. (yuck)

isn't welsummer chicks the smartest person alive? I wanna be like her!

 

[cassie]

A wise social worker I used to know told me you cannot rescue someone who does not want to be rescued. Meaning you can offer a helping hand but they have to take it of their own free will. You cannot force them to take it. At the time I was trying to help a friend and it was consuming my life. In the end it was an exercise in futility. There is a country and western song performed by George Jones that goes on about living and dying with the choices we make. In the end, the choices, for good or bad have to be made by the individual. You cannot make choices for another. Also, you have to be careful that the other person does not drag you under like the proverbial drowning man. If you lose yourself, you have nothing left and you have benefitted no one.

There are people who like to whimper and whine about how hard life is and what a rotten hand they have been dealt, but they are not willing to do anything about it. They just want to whine. The best course of action is to agree with them heartily and ask them what they plan on doing about it. Don't offer suggestions or solutions yourself. You might gently remind them it is their problem and they are the only ones that can fix it.