*Sigh* Week old baby and possibly a divorce. *Warning: RANT!!!*

[NancyDz]

Hang in there Betta! Your load is huge with a helpful hubby much less one that doesnt want to help. I agree with redhen and lil'chickies... go to school and get yourself in a better situation. Put that work drive into school so you can make more $$ Even if you only work part time and go to school .. there's so many online options for school these days. Give the hubby a schedule of when he is watching the kids.. maybe he needs that assurance of a specific schedule, and work the grandma's and aunt in there. Also try to schedule some free time for both of you together and separately if possible even if it's just a half hour. Sometimes just knowing what's expected will help release some of the stress for both of you. It will be hard to set up at first but I've found that men are better at being given specifics. If you draw up a schedule for your work/school/ watching the kids for both of you, at least it gives you a starting point to discuss, make sure you point out the free time you've scheduled in for him so he gets that you are not taking away but realize it's important for both of you. Maybe suggest a trial time period and after that a time to discuss what's working and what's not.


Good luck!

Nancy

 

[Judy]

Quote:
Red flag here, big time, in your first sentence.

Don't get me wrong. Obviously there are times that parents would reasonably use child care when not at work, as for an evening out, to accomplish a particular task, to permit sleep for shift work, maybe even as a regular thing for a few hours once a week, something of that sort.

But basically, parenting is about watching kids all day. Of course he should end up watching kids all day, when it falls to him. That's what parents do.

Maybe he doesn't want to sit and talk like adults because he knows he does not have an adult attitude about what it means to raise kids.

We are not basically mothers and fathers, after the birthing, we are parents, and parents are equally responsible for child-rearing. If he drops dead tomorrow, would you put them up for adoption? If you drop dead, would he?

How is it your fault if he is not an equal partner in this?

 

[NancyDz]

For me the red flag is that she was working that much and wanted to be away from home before the kids were even in the picture... was there much of a relationship before kids?


nancy

 

[redhen]

Quote:
Red flag here, big time, in your first sentence.

Don't get me wrong. Obviously there are times that parents would reasonably use child care when not at work, as for an evening out, to accomplish a particular task, to permit sleep for shift work, maybe even as a regular thing for a few hours once a week, something of that sort.

But basically, parenting is about watching kids all day. Of course he should end up watching kids all day, when it falls to him. That's what parents do.

Maybe he doesn't want to sit and talk like adults because he knows he does not have an adult attitude about what it means to raise kids.

We are not basically mothers and fathers, after the birthing, we are parents, and parents are equally responsible for child-rearing. If he drops dead tomorrow, would you put them up for adoption? If you drop dead, would he?

How is it your fault if he is not an equal partner in this?

what she said!

it IS his job Betta! he's a parent...its not a job of convience...

 

[Bettacreek]

Our first son was a surprise baby, so I was in a panic and was sucking up as much work as I could to lay in a "nest egg". Getting unexpectedly pregnant at 18, with hubby being 24, we weren't exactly mature (not that we don't still have a lot of maturing to do), and didn't have a savings or anything. At first working that much was a drag, but I kind of fell in love with it after awhile.

However, when I was working that, I was rarely getting a day off. I think I may have had 3 or 4 days off in 6 months, and, those 3 or 4 days, hubby would ditch me to hang out with the guys at the bar (sad thing being that they were his co-workers, so he saw them every night). So, yeah, I guess it has basically always been fairly crummy. He'll show a little bit of improvement after we get into a fight about it (again, he will NOT sit down and talk, so it boils over for months, then I finally have enough and get mad), but then soon he reverts back. Awhile back, we split for awhile, but had to stay in the same apartment, but I was seeing someone else and he was free to do whatever he wanted. It was a really strange situation, to say the least. When we were split, he didn't care, but then when I started seeing someone else (no, I wasn't bringing this person here or anything, I was trying to respect him enough to not rub his nose in it or anything), then he started actually trying to be a partner. The other guy soon fell off the charts and I was back with him. The other guy was never serious, nothing major happened there or anything, it was more of a "I need to get out and do something with someone who's showing an interest". I know, that thing was selfish.

And, I know that some of this is my fault, I'm no perfect little angel or anything, but, I don't know, I just feel like we're in totally different worlds, and I'm tired of never getting respect or help or having a loving partner. And, I'm definately tired of a video game being more important than me, as selfish as that sounds, I don't mean to sound like I expect the entire world to revolve around me or anything.

 

[WriterofWords]

After reading this again and looking at what you keep saying in different ways, I think you are just too unhappy in this relationship to stay in it and you should end it. It isn't good for the kids, you, him, or anyone else involved.

 

[PQ]

Do what is right in your heart for your children, put yourself in there shoes.
I must say I'm so sorry to hear of someone going through a separation with children involved. My parents divorced when I was young I do not remember any fighting and when I asked later why, was told by both parents it was because Dad watched to much TV and Mom liked to be outdoors. I to this day dont know why they really did nor do I care. What I do believed is they lovedme enough to go on with there lives and be happy and not drag me through a messy and worrisome time. My mother went on to Ca my Dad stayed in ID. Mom went back to school something she always wanted to do but couldnt while with Dad. She met a wonderful man at the place where she works has been married to him for 26 years this year, had my little sister with him wh is 16 years younger then me, and the most beautiful soul. She has a wonderful high paying job, as does my step dad andhave been able to send my sister to the best priv. schools in there area. She still loves to be outdoors, and even has been in the Boston Marathon a few times once finishing 3rd for her age group. Dad was remarried 2 times both to great people but made the mistake of marrying a woman who loved to go out on the town and have fun (young at heart) though she was a blast to be around for us kids (2 of hers from a marriage before dad). The 3rd time was the charm he loves her with all his heart standing by her for the last 5 years of cancer treatments. They even had a child together when I was17. He is the most smartest, sweetest, perfect child I have ever known.
Anyway I guess what I'm trying to say is do what you know is right. Dont stay with someone just because he donated half of what made your children, stay with them because you are bth in love and you both want to share half of the household and children duties. Do something you want to do better your life for your children, so they can look back and say they did what was right to better our lives. I know this wont help you other then someone elses opinion, it will not help your heart that is breaking or get back the time you have tryed to put in to your marrage, but I'm sure it may help a little knowing that you have alot of people here at BYC that are willing to let you talk to get it all out and to help you sort out your thoughts.
Have a blessed day, we will pray for a outcome that is right and best for you your husband and your children.
Remember to look in your childrens faces or step outside, enjoy Gods beauty when things feel overwelming, sometimes even a few second brake can help a hurt soul.

 

[chickeypoo]

I can add my own rant into this as well. I haven't read most of the responses on here, not enough time right now.

We were married when i was 21 and he was 20. I was pregnant at the time(not the reason for marriage) he didn't play video games(i think now, it's cuz he didn't have money to buy a console ugh but now we have a PS2, Xbox, and a WII. )

fast forward 6 years. We have three children, 10. 5, and 1. Everything has changed, drastically. We live in a different town, we pay for a house, and a crappy car.

he still doesnt' do laundry(though i thought he'd at least try). I might get him to fold a load of towels every now and then and put them away(but that's cuz i can't reach into the cupboard cuz it's too high up) He doesn't help me cook, or put food away when we are done eating. He doesn't help clean up after the kids, he dislikes giving the kids a bath(though does give the 5 year old one when i pester him enough) i take a bath with the 1 year old(time to bond after a long day at work. He doesn't do dishes. He crabs when i ask him to feed the little one. he does fill the water dish for the chickens when i, again, pester him.

So... this leaves me with.. dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, bathing. and feeding the kids, plating up their food, my food and his food as well. I get up about 10 mins earlier than he does so i can start getting our breakfast (we eat at work) and lunch together(we work together.. yay) i get up at 4 am. he gets up after me. in the middle of the night i would wake up to make bottles for baby. i put the food together, get kids up, get him up, make sure animals have gone out to pee/poop and do their thing. all he does is shower. i would even get the little one up to go to my father in laws. Id get food ready for her as well(little dishes to take along) id even run out to start the car when it was cooold out.

at work on breaks, id pull the food out for us.(i don't anymore lol) and after work id haul the bag out to the car. get home, id throw a load of laundry in the washer, throw a load of dishes in the sink and start supper, after letting the dogs outside once again to pee. get supper done, plate it up.. maybe sit down a few mins to eat a bit, while he's complaining of having to feed the baby. after he'd been sitting on his lazy butt while i was running it off to get things done so we could eat at a decent hour and not 20 mins before bed.

So i understand.. i feel terribly underappreciated, angry(at him and myself for letting it go on) and exhausted. But no matter what i say to him, it's still all my fault that we are arguing. Though, i thought if i did everything the way i am now, that he wouldn't be so quick to blame me for everything. We don't get physical, but we do argue.. and i do have a temper, but don't always flare it. Normally, i had been keeping everything inside. it doesn't really matter, as nothing changes anyway. But lately, i have been so tired, so exhausted from working so much, that i let it fly. i am sick of being taken advantage of(even though he must think that i like doing this the way i do) I don't want to divorce... but i want a better hubby. someone who's willing to help me around the house, clean, and maybe cook once in a while(not just hot dogs and mac n cheese) do a load of dishes.

If he were to read this, he'd say i was lying. he thinks he does a lot more around the house that i say he does... but he says he's watching the baby.. does that include putting the baby gate up and getting online? while im asking him what's in her mouth? and him saying "i dunno, i wasn't watching" My 10 year old watches better than he does. I feel like i have 4 children, not 3 and a husband, and i feel like a maid, a slave, but he says he doesn't make me feel that way.
UGH. im just tired. so i can totally relate where you are coming from. I know, don't stay in a marriage that you are unhappy in. But i do love him... and i wish he'd realize how much it hurts me.

I hope your hubby realizes how you feel inside as well. im sorry this is long. a lot on my chest..

 

[redhen]

Quote:
see..i'm evil..the next time he wanted nookie..i'd say.."sigh, i'd like to help ya out there...but i'm just SOoo beat after doing the laundry, the cooking, the dishes, the etc....".... heehe

 

[Bettacreek]

Quote:

The worst part about it (well, not the worst, but it REALLY ticks me off) is that if you stop doing all of those things that you don't HAVE to do, then they complain and whine and tell everyone that you don't do anything anymore. *Sigh* I tried that once before, didn't do laundry, dishes, cook, etc, everything piled up and he would just eat take-out while at work. Don't worry, at that time, the little one didn't need to be cooked for, plus we all had clean clothes (except hubby's work clothes, he only has so many of those). But, yeah, hubby would sit and complain, but wouldn't get off his butt to do anything... wore dirty clothes to work, ate take-out only, etc. Yeah, it didn't last too long, and all it did was drive me INSANE, and then he told everyone that I wouldn't even wash dishes, cook or wash his clothes for him. Sad thing is, the men at his work were probably too stupid and lazy to think "hey, idiot, do it yourself!" *Sigh*