*Sigh* Week old baby and possibly a divorce. *Warning: RANT!!!*

[Bettacreek]

*Sigh* Some days, I just don't know why I bother. We came to a few agreements for chores around the house, but now, I'm back to doing most of his chores for him. Then, if I mention it, he calls me lazy. It's not like he has a lot of chores or anything. Just, help with the kids if I'm sleeping or if they're both in need of attention (except when he's trying to sleep, then I'll tend them both on my own, just takes longer and one has to wait), wash the dishes every other day and preferably, change the garbage cans or the diaper genie when you see that they need to be changed. Yes, the kids are hard work, so that's a big one, but, really, I don't feel like his chores are hard or time consuming, especially considering that I've been washing all of the dishes anyways, and he'll claim that I didn't take my turn, even though I've been washing them on my days AND on his days. For crying out loud, I picked up the movie Fireproof, thanks to all of the recommendations... He read the back, and I can't get him to watch it with me. He keeps putting it off, "oh, we'll watch it in the morning"... next morning comes, "oh, no, I want to play my game, we'll watch it tonight", and it just goes on. I'm just getting tired of fighting a loosing battle to save a marriage with a man who apparantly doesn't give a hoot. I don't want my boys to be raised thinking that women are slaves and men can sit around and be lazy slobs and treat women like crap. The fighting has stopped though, but only because I bite my tongue, pick up his slack and just ignore him (not that he cares). And, I have tried letting the dishes go on his turn, but they pile up and I end up with a sink full of dishes three or four days later, a crazy frustration and end up having to wash dishes in order to cook. I've always dated guys who were older than me, mainly because I thought they were more at my maturity level than the guys my own age. My husband is 26 and I'm 20, and honestly, I feel like I'm going on 80 years and he's going on 13. Honestly, I wonder if part of it isn't the fact that he never lived alone. He moved straight from his parents/grandparents (he was going back and forth for a little while) to an apartment with me, and he was always catered to.
*Sigh* Anyways, thanks for the support, and for letting me get everything off my chest. I love my BYC.

 

[chels23]

I know exactly how you feel. I have a seven month old son and he is a lot of work. Being a parent is a full time job with a boss that doesn't appreciate anything you do and never gives you a break. There was a time right after my son was born I was so overwhelmed and wasn't getting any help. I finaly told him that I felt like a single parent and he needed to step up and be a father. Talking to people really helps, remember there are a lot of people here for you. Good luck! I hope your husband comes around.

 

[lil'chickies]

Some men never grow up. I personally got lucky the second go round. My hubby is great, helps with kids, helps around the house. My first husband was an a$$. He wouldn't do anything. Believed his job in life was to go to work, bring home a check, and drink every night. He just wanted to party all the time. He was older than me, but still needed to grow up. He didn't even keep a job most the time. Finally when my youngest was just shy of a year, I said, no more. I wasn't looking for anybody when I found my sweet hubby, and he is a complete 360 from the first. I tried, but had to ultimately make a choice. I asked myself, "What kind of lesson are my boys learning with a father like that? What kind of role model is he? Is it worth staying just for the kids?" I'm not encouraging you to leave him. Just since the kids are involved, you have to ask yourself is it best for them. My boys are 18 months apart, so honey, I have been there, and it's hard. It's not all fun and games. Just don't give up hope for a better future. My grandmom told me I would never find a man with two kids, now she tells me I better hang on to this one. Just make sure you let your family knows what's going on, and you need the emotional support of others to deal with everything. I will pray for you and your babies. I will also pray that your husband wakes up and realizes what he is missing out on. He can't get back the time with those little ones once they grow up. You just be the best momma you can be.

 

[redhen]

Betta, first i want to say i'm sorry that you are going through all this extra nonsense and stress with a newborn on your hands.

in my opinion NOW is when a man is supposed to be giving you 110%!!...and i know i may be wrong..but...here in my house if my husband dosent give me 110% percent..then he would not be my husband for long...but...honestly you are the only person that knows how bad it really is....dont just follow your heart....thats not always the way to go..the heart can trick us and make us tolerate things that arent right.... if the things he does are really little things..dont stress it!...really!!...but..if theres more to it...well..i would stay(for awhile) and get my blocks lined up in a row....get everything done i needed to..to ensure i could make it on my own...then i'd give him 1 more chance to change and really understand that you are serious..and really unhappy...and if he then still does not care, if he still is not willing to step up and be a man....then..IMO you are better off alone with your boys...i was raised mostly by my mother..she was/is a tough lady...sometimes worked 3 jobs....but us kids were happy and we always came first...and i learned from her that i dont need a man...i CAN make it myself[/i]....and i learned to expect respect from any man i was with...to not just settle and be unhappy with someone....lifes to short.

 

[klf73]

Age has nothing to do with maturity....at 18 I dated a 26 yo, at 20 I dated a 35 yo, at 21 I dated a 36 yo. I finally found a mature 23 yo(dh) when I was 22, go figure. I constantly have everyone asking how I handle so many kids, I tell them it is because of my dh. Although he isn't great at helping with the housework all of his *extra* time is spent with the kids, not playing a game or going out with the guys. He prefers to spend his time with them.
Sorry you have to deal with this, but unfortunately the only way he will change is if he chooses to. It's time he starts to act like an adult and not another child for you to take care of. Hope things turn around for you

 

[Bettacreek]

Redhen, that's what I'm hoping to do. I have one glitch with trying to stablize myself... Hubby says that if I go back to work, he wants me to get a sitter so that he doesn't have to watch them. My mother, the MIL and his aunt would all be willing to do this, however, my mother would have to have them picked up at 12 noon, the MIL would be able to pick them up at five and the aunt would be able to pick them up at about six. The earliest I can go to work would be 8am, and working 8-12 isn't worth it, with how far I have to travel, as we tried that after our first was born. I can't work late at my job, we usually only work until 9pm, so, 5-9 puts me in the same boat. If I were to hire a sitter, I would be loosing money. If hubby were to step the heck up, I could put in 40-50 hours a week (depending on whether or not they approve overtime) and still have time to be with my family, either in the afternoons, mornings or weekends, depending on my scheduling. Any closer jobs would start me out at minimum wage, because I don't have schooling. THEN, if I went to school for nursing, I would have to find a sitter, and I wouldn't be getting paid to go to school.

I'm somewhat stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

[lil'chickies]

How about this. Let him support you while you go to school, get the good paying job to where you can afford a babysitter without him, then dump his sorry butt. You might as well get something out of him. If he changes his ways between now and when you can stand on your own two feet financially, then you don't have to worry about leaving him. I doubt he will. You can't change a person, man or woman. They are who they will always be. Just an idea.

 

[redhen]

Quote:
honey..use whatever you need to to get childcare so you can get to school or something!...actually....i bet you can get a state voucher for childcare...check into it! and if he wont even watch your kids while you work..ooh...ohh...dont get me going!

UGH! and i hate to say it....but...sometimes you can get more help if you arent with him..food stamps, child care vouchers, health ins., rent help..

 

[Bettacreek]

I think the not wanting to watch them while I'm at work is partly my fault. When I was pregnant with our first son, I was working 10-13 hour days, and would work every day, once going 77 days without a day off for holiday, sundays, sick days or anything, and I was still asking for more work. I get into these "ruts" where I'm obsessed with working, and I think he's afraid that he'll end up watching kids all day. It may be a little different with the kids, because I WANT to be with my kids, but I haven't had the opportunity to work like that since our first was born, so I can't say for sure how I'd be if I had "free-range" at work. I had also been talking about getting a part time job locally, to make up for if my main job slacked off in the hours. *Sigh* Who knows what's going through his head though, when he doesn't want to sit and talk like adults.

 

[luvarabhorses]

My counsellor told me that unless my now ex husband "found Jesus" our marriage would never make it. I really didn't understand what that meant until my new man, my florange, and I started cohabitating. it means that every word out of his mouth, every gesture, action should be one of love. I know that sounds impossible but it can happen. He is really being selfish, and the laziness comment, I do everything you do nothing was something I heard for almost 2 decades before I got out. The worst part is if you two go to counselling he will just lie about everything. I don't understand why you had a second child, I hope this is it. You are so young.
best wishes