Teen caught Sneaking out Again!

[taisamarie]

While in most cases I'd say "yes, go talk to her parents" something about the situation bothers me.

You guys are neighbors right? Wouldn't be hard for them during the day to hang out with plenty of other people around right? And her parents have a problem with that? Whats to say that if they found out they would reasonably talk to the girl and not do something worse?

Telling the girl to call the police if her stepmom or dad or whoever does something to her won't work. She knows if she calls, they may be arrested but it will be her that is taken from her home and possibly put into worse situations. The parents may come back and say she started it and she may be arrested as they just did what they did in 'self defense'.

Its one thing to punish your own child, and there are other traps you could possibly set that would let you know he is going out and wake you up. I teach/advise college freshmen and have seen some of the bad reactions parents have when they are over 18, I couldn't imagine what they would have done when they where under 18.

NEVER assume what another child/teen's parents will or won't do or can or can't be capable of. It is your responsibility to deal with your own son... in an ideal world we could all just talk everything out, but unfortunately it isn't like that.

And just as another note: Giving condoms does not condone sex. In fact, the health educator at the university I am at found a way to do just the opposite. A lot of times at that age, sex is for the sake of being able to get away with something taboo. She would go into her son's room and stock his underwear drawer with condoms, and then went to his girlfriend and gave her a box or two 'in case he forgot', and also asked her if there were any 'tips' she would like her to give to her son for her. She embarrased them about it to the point that while they still saw each other, they became a lot less sneaky about it and started hanging out with other people and not 'alone'. Lol

 

[silkiechicken]

Good luck. I don't really have anything useful to contribute here since I was a free spirited kid just a few years ago... and still am. My parents didn't tell me what to do or really ever stop me from doing anything I wanted to do... I did what ever I wanted when ever I wanted really. Did well in school and am doing pretty good now too... Sometimes I think too much control is bad but you have to judge it per child basis... my little brother, little as in just two years behind me, is fairing much much much worse under the same freedom I had. So it depends person to person.

I do have to say one thing though. A smart kid will find a way around anything no matter the consequences, as they are smart enough to know what they are and have accepted it before going and doing what they have decided to do.

 

[rachel]

Although I have no teenagers of my own, I did teach high school for several years and have a lot of experience with that age group. (As well as my own crazy sneaking out years). The story you are being told by your son sounds untrue. I know you want to believe him, but put yourself in his/the girl's situation: You have the option of either telling your parents that you have been sneaking out with your b/f OR making up a somewhat plausible story about how you told them and you're dead meat... but my parents don't want to talk to your parents.

As a teacher I've been put in the unpleasant situation of having to tell parents things they don't want to hear about their children, and more often than you would think the parents will not believe that what I am telling them is not true (despite the fact it may be something I have caught them red-handed with) out of the simple fact that they don't want to believe bad things about their kids. While some of his stories may have elements of truth in them (ie his g/f was upset and he wanted to comfort her... what teenager isn't upset about something at least once a day?) in your heart, you know what is going on: your son is sneaking out to have intimate experiences with his g/f. It is *SO* important that you set boundaries and follow through. I would caution you about setting traps. Now that you have confirmed your fear, you don't want it to become a cat and mouse game with him. I remember very much doing things that my mom told me not to for the simple fact she prohibited it.

I suppose this was a rather long-winded post, just to encourage you to follow through with your words, and speak with the girl's parents. Also to let him know that you're understanding of your son's awkward years of feeling like he deserves/is ready for more independence than is age-appropriate. Maybe also having the girl over for dinner regularly or other hospitable actions that show that you aren't holding a grudge and that it's nothing personal, you just want them to obey your rules.

 

[psimek]

I agree with you completely the way you handled the situation in the first place. You have to follow through now. Like you said, you don't want to be a grandparent.
My 13 year old was caught sneaking out a month ago & we were a nervous wreck trying to figure out where she was. This is a crazy world & it is not safe for children to be out at night, and even if they are intelligent, sometimes things can go to far.
In the teen years they are so often just caught up in the moment.
Follow through, even though it is hard.

 

[silkiebeginer]

Ok, i must chime in here. I understand that you need to trust your son and all the bad things that could happen with him sneaking out. But I don't really think its too big of a deal. He told you what he was doing and maybe her parents are just over protective or really uptight people. Maybe they just don't like your son. My highschool BF's stepdad hated me,lol. for no reason i must add. And if they want to have sex, they will find a way. Him not sneaking out won't stop that. If you want to get to the bottom of this, ask your son what her parents deal is before you call them. And depending on the answer, you could always tell him she could come there that way you would know where he is and that they are safe. That is not condoning sex or allow it, thats making sure they are safe. But I am sure i will get alot of posts the disagree with me.

Jennifer

 

[ratlummountain]

first of all, i'm very greatful i don't have kids.

but if this were me, i'd sit down with your son & his girlfriend and just lay down the facts. no BS, not beating around the bush, no anger or yelling.
if they want to pretend to be adults, then treat them like they are adults. give them a chance to actually be responsible adults.

very clearly let them know any and all consequences.
and if he does indeed step over the line again ~ which he probably will ~ nail his ass to wall. if you say you'll do something then you NEED to do it. hollow threats are useless and he'll quickly figure this out.

get a banana and demonstrate how to properly use a condom.
i say embarrass them. this way when they go to have sex all they can think about is you and the banana, kinda loses it's appeal ...

also ... love, REAL love ~ is a behavior, not an emotion.
i'm sure they fancy themselves in love (yikes, teenage angst!) so maybe they ought to get a little lesson in how their "love" can hurt other people. they need to understand how their behavior can affect other people.

no matter what you do, good luck!

 

[CarriBrown]

Quote:
I totally agree. I was a good kid... I never snuck out, did drugs, etc. because my dad had (and still has) my TOTAL respect. He treated me like a young adult and I acted like one. But trust me, if I even thought of doing something stupid, I WOULD get nailed to the wall.
Thankfully, I never did anything too stupid!

My dad did something very smart, although I didn't notice it at the time. He had both my brother and I so involved in things that we never had the time or energy to get in trouble. For instance, I was on the rodeo team, practicing three times a week (7am on the weekends!) so I'd hardly stay out late because I'd be too tired the next morning.
Stay out until 2am then get up at 6 to tack up a horse and rope three rounds? No way.
My brother was in football and soccer and just didn't have the energy to get in trouble after running who knows how long on a soccer field.
One thing is for sure- Your son NEEDS to know you mean business. He's young, and this is just the beginning. It needs to be stopped ASAP.

 

[rufus]

I suggest you talk to the girl rather than the parents. She is reaching out for a way out of a difficult family situation. Become her best friend; ask her over to do your son's laundry and clean his room. Just in conversation, mention that just because they are having sexual relations that doesn't mean they would be getting married. Also remind her that she will soon be 18 and an adult, but that your son will still be a minor. She could legally be prosecuted as a child molester and face a stiff criminal sentence.

I think she will turn her attentions to someone else.

And about the condoms, they are a whole lot cheaper than paying for a baby.

Rufus

 

[countrygirl4513]

ratlummountain wrote

if they want to pretend to be adults, then treat them like they are adults. give them a chance to actually be responsible adults.

I appreciate your opinion, but they aren't adults! It's easy for people who don't have teens to say that. And I'm not being hateful, but if you had teens you'd know that this is not acceptable behavior for a 15 yr old boy. For every action there is a reaction. Sneaking out is not only making him untrustworthy to his parents, it's dangerous too. We as parents have to step up to the plate and lay down the law and stick to our guns.
Patchofheaven has said that these are good kids. I believe that. They are not the first and won't be the last to slip around like this. But we are the rulers of our own home. Our kids must know that we pay the bills and we rule our roost! And they have to abide by those rules till they get their own roost.
My boys 14 and 16 have been taught that how they act reflects not only on them but on us as a family. They know that shame is a very hard pill to swallow. They have learned from their 1/2 sister that if you play you pay, and now we all are paying for a grandchild that shouldn't have come so soon in our daughters life.
This next statement will really throw gas on the fire and sorta going off topic.
The problem I'm seeing in this society and for girls in their late teens, is it's fashionable to get pregnant, have a baby, play house, treat the baby like a babydoll, paint it's nails dress it up, pierce it's ears, etc. But when reality sets in, that baby won't stop crying, I can't go out with my friends, I don't have any money etc. these girls start to finally realize that their choice had a definite consequence to it. A child! And as we all know we either take care of that child, or the taxpayers do. I mean here locally it's an epidemic! When my s-daughter had her baby, every girlfriend that came to see her was either pregnant or had a baby on their hip. What is the deal? It's not like we live in a 3rd world country, or do we? Birth control is as easy to get as a candy bar. In my day it was shameful to get pregnant without the benefit of marriage. I mean SHAMEFUL! Now it's just no big deal. What happened?
I'm sorry ya'll but this has been eatin at me since the grandbaby came. Don't get me wrong I love the lil sweetie but my Lord, she has a hard road to hoe with a single parent to raise her. We hope to be as good a influence for them as we possibly can.​

 

[Aun <HIS><]

I have been a foster parent to teens (really tough job). I counsel and mentor teens in my role as a youth pastor (I know all of the secrets that parents don't know), and I have raised them; they're now 18, 20, and 12. I know how you feel, how incredulous, freaked, worried... my 20 year old was a very difficult child to raise. She had some things that happened in her past that set her up to self-sabotage, and she did that real well. Although, I didn't help her by being too soft, always giving the benefit of the doubt, believing her unless there was proof, and even then, I could find a reason to explain the tape on the door being moved. I didn't do it on purpose, I was just one of those parents that the teacher talked about, not being able to face the truth, staying in denial. It made things worse.

I think you're being played. I don't think she talked to her parents. I don't believe that they don't want to talk to you about it. Your son knows you, he knows where your weak spots are, and he knows how to manipulate you. As far as the other stuff, the girl crying, the step-mom hitting her, maybe it is all true. But so what. The point is that he snuck, lied, and broke the rules. And he is having sex. The reasons why don't really matter. With my own daughter, I was the queen of not following through. I made a lot of empty promises. Boy oh boy, that did hurt her, not only did she not take me seriously, but she didn't take anyone seriously. She didn't take anything seriously. She's still paying the price for those choices. She will for a looooooooong time... years and years. I believe it's so important that you follow through with the boundary you set. Call the parents. Whatever the consequence of that, you will work through it. You are not being the bad guy here, he already was. He knew what the consequence would be, and he decided to go ahead with it, even though he knew "the step mom could hit her." The girl made the choice, knowing the consequences of getting caught. He wasn't very loving toward her when he made that choice was he? You doing what you say you will do is the most loving thing you can do for him though.

As far as worrying about suicide. This was a regular fear of mine. I wish I had been given this advice when she was 15, get him in counseling. You can not allow this to take away your ability to parent him, and that's what you're doing when you live in that fear. You give away your parenting power. He doesn't have any other parents, so you have to do the job. These thoughts getting in the way makes it clear that he needs counseling. And that you need counseling. It doesn't mean that he or you are so messed up. No. Just that you need help navigating through this. I'm guessing he's your oldest. It really does get tougher from here when they've already stepped on that path.

I agree that talking to the girl would be good. Tell her herself that it's not acceptable, that you like her and respect her despite this, and thank her for being brave enough to talk to you. You can be casual, non-condemning, and let her know what you will do for her to help their relationship within the bounds that are acceptable to you. And point her toward the future. Remind her about college, remind her who she was when she was 15, and help her to see how different she is now at 17. That will start to open her eyes to where your son is. Anyway, sorry this is long-winded. I'm praying for you.

GBU
Aun