teenagers

[Reinbeau]

Quote:
Holy Cow!! I needed that. TOO FUNNY! Thanks everyone for the support.
This too, shall pass. Right?

That was hilarious - I think he got that idea from me

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

I took my niece to a homeless teen shelter and handed her her bags. "Wanna stay here or wanna come home and live by our rules?"


She looked around for a few minutes and got back in the car. 'Nuff said.

 

[silentrunning]

There is an advantage to being old. All your kids grow up and move away. I wouldn't be young again if you paid me.

 

[horsejody]

Quote:
When my son was 14 he got caught with a friend shoplifting. Actually, the friend shoplifted, and DS just didn't stop him. The DA offered to let him pay restitution and take a diversion course. The diversion course was OK, but the thing that really helped was the tough love treatment at home. We told him that if he wanted to act like a bad a$$, we would give him a small taste of prison life. He was super grounded. The super grounding wouldn't be lifted until restitution was paid and the diversion course completed. His room was stripped of TV, radios, computer, telephone, etc. He was only allowed to leave his room to eat, go to the bathroom, do chores, go to school, go to church or by special invitation to watch TV with the family. He was allowed only jeans and white t-shirts. He also had to pay for his own restitution and reimburse DH and I for our gas and time off work taking him to diversion class. We did allow him to contact neighbors to ask them if they had any manual labor that needed to be done to earn money. One neighbor in particular jumped on that opportunity because she is single and has an acreage to care for. That kid worked like a dog from June til December paying that debt. I worried that we were too harsh and it would all backfire, but it was for the best. When it was all over and DS was released from our tough love prison, he was a much better kid and we never had another problem. He changed all of his friends. His attitude was better. He even learned that it was actually a blessing to eat dinner with your family and watch a movie. He was more active in church because that was the only social outlet he had for those months. DS is 25 years old now, and getting caught was the best thing that could have happened to him.

 

[Dar]

i thought i was gonna get in trouble for posting the link to the comedy skit cause it had some choice language in it i went to bed right after i posted it and i was gonna actually get out of bed and delete it...

 

[horsejody]

Quote:
I thought the link was funny and not too bad as far as language.

 

[deb1]

Quote:
When my son was 14 he got caught with a friend shoplifting. Actually, the friend shoplifted, and DS just didn't stop him. The DA offered to let him pay restitution and take a diversion course. The diversion course was OK, but the thing that really helped was the tough love treatment at home. We told him that if he wanted to act like a bad a$$, we would give him a small taste of prison life. He was super grounded. The super grounding wouldn't be lifted until restitution was paid and the diversion course completed. His room was stripped of TV, radios, computer, telephone, etc. He was only allowed to leave his room to eat, go to the bathroom, do chores, go to school, go to church or by special invitation to watch TV with the family. He was allowed only jeans and white t-shirts. He also had to pay for his own restitution and reimburse DH and I for our gas and time off work taking him to diversion class. We did allow him to contact neighbors to ask them if they had any manual labor that needed to be done to earn money. One neighbor in particular jumped on that opportunity because she is single and has an acreage to care for. That kid worked like a dog from June til December paying that debt. I worried that we were too harsh and it would all backfire, but it was for the best. When it was all over and DS was released from our tough love prison, he was a much better kid and we never had another problem. He changed all of his friends. His attitude was better. He even learned that it was actually a blessing to eat dinner with your family and watch a movie. He was more active in church because that was the only social outlet he had for those months. DS is 25 years old now, and getting caught was the best thing that could have happened to him.

You sound like a really good mother.

 

[vfem]

I hope this counts for kids we watch too?

 

[WriterofWords]

Not knowing the entire history, I can't really offer a lot of suggestions. I've been very lucky raising my son on my own that he is going on 18 and he hasn't hit his terrible two's yet!
I've always been strict, but not a jailor. Think of kids as grains of sand, the harder you hold them down, the harder they will struggle to get free. But if you hold them too loose, they fall from your protection too. It's hard to find that point where you are holding them tight enough to keep them in line, but not so tight you make them fight you at every step. I've had to sit Steven down and talk to him, I've laid it on the line, I don't lie to him, and I include him in all major and most minor decisions, but he still knows I'm the boss and the final decision is mine.
Sit down with him, make sure he knows he's not going anywhere until you've had your say. If you have to put him the car under the pretense of going somewhere, do it, just make sure you have enough gas you don't have to stop!
Go out on a road you don't have to stop at any lights, or stop signs, so he can't jump out. Don't yell, don't scream, don't argue, if you need to let him vent at the same time tell him this is his one shot to say anything he wants to to you. He can cuss, he can yell, he can be obnoxious, but he can say anything he wants, and let him. You might learn something by what he says, but he has to know he can say it. Make sure he knows that after he is done, it's your turn, and you listened to him, so he will listen to you.
Get it all off your chest WITH HIM. Everything you've said here, say to him. Tell him how you feel, tell him why, tell him what you want from him, a loving relationship, if not that at least a friendly, respectful one.
There has been no communication between you, your husband, and the boy, from what I can tell. Communication is not a over-rated idea on Dr. Phil, it is an absolute must.
If I couldn't sit down and talk with Steven and work things out I would have lost my mind trying to raise him and my nephews, and my neice alone. He is my right hand man, I love him dearly, but once a month we have our "honesty sessions" where we go somewhere neutral, we sit down, or we drive, and we get off our chest anything we need to in a safe environment.
We have a pact to never take anything said during that time and throw it back at each other, and so far that has happened only one time and it was me, it took awhile to get his trust back and I'll never do it again.
Good luck, go form a relationship with him. Also if his dad is not supportive or whatever you have to make your own place and let the son know that while his dad does not support you, the son lives in your home, and he will respect you.
You can do it, it's hard, and you have to give and take on the fight and the battle and choose what is worth it and what is just a power play on your part or his.

 

[Reinbeau]

Actually that's a great idea, WOW. I always had good, constructive conversations with my boys when we were driving around, if I needed to really get through to one of them, I'd make up some pretense to get into the car and do exactly what you've described. Somehow the road going by and not looking at them intensely relaxes the situation.