Not knowing the entire history, I can't really offer a lot of suggestions. I've been very lucky raising my son on my own that he is going on 18 and he hasn't hit his terrible two's yet!
I've always been strict, but not a jailor. Think of kids as grains of sand, the harder you hold them down, the harder they will struggle to get free. But if you hold them too loose, they fall from your protection too. It's hard to find that point where you are holding them tight enough to keep them in line, but not so tight you make them fight you at every step. I've had to sit Steven down and talk to him, I've laid it on the line, I don't lie to him, and I include him in all major and most minor decisions, but he still knows I'm the boss and the final decision is mine.
Sit down with him, make sure he knows he's not going anywhere until you've had your say. If you have to put him the car under the pretense of going somewhere, do it, just make sure you have enough gas you don't have to stop!
Go out on a road you don't have to stop at any lights, or stop signs, so he can't jump out. Don't yell, don't scream, don't argue, if you need to let him vent at the same time tell him this is his one shot to say anything he wants to to you. He can cuss, he can yell, he can be obnoxious, but he can say anything he wants, and let him. You might learn something by what he says, but he has to know he can say it. Make sure he knows that after he is done, it's your turn, and you listened to him, so he will listen to you.
Get it all off your chest WITH HIM. Everything you've said here, say to him. Tell him how you feel, tell him why, tell him what you want from him, a loving relationship, if not that at least a friendly, respectful one.
There has been no communication between you, your husband, and the boy, from what I can tell. Communication is not a over-rated idea on Dr. Phil, it is an absolute must.
If I couldn't sit down and talk with Steven and work things out I would have lost my mind trying to raise him and my nephews, and my neice alone. He is my right hand man, I love him dearly, but once a month we have our "honesty sessions" where we go somewhere neutral, we sit down, or we drive, and we get off our chest anything we need to in a safe environment.
We have a pact to never take anything said during that time and throw it back at each other, and so far that has happened only one time and it was me, it took awhile to get his trust back and I'll never do it again.
Good luck, go form a relationship with him. Also if his dad is not supportive or whatever you have to make your own place and let the son know that while his dad does not support you, the son lives in your home, and he will respect you.
You can do it, it's hard, and you have to give and take on the fight and the battle and choose what is worth it and what is just a power play on your part or his.
