- Aug 8, 2011
- 1,981
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well first off, there's *always* a reason. there is NO out of the blue.
what her reason is... ?
maybe newly available and testing the waters
maybe nostalgia
maybe unrequited longing
maybe just friendly fondness surfacing
but there's *always* a reason.
when I was dating my ex, near the end of the relationship, HIS ex wife showed up "out of the blue" after 20 years... only it was to tell him what a *jerk* he was and all the reasons that was true, and that she was still mad and hadn't forgiven him.... so from the current wife's perspective it's not *always* a bad thing... in our case I think she did me a favor. she said to him the same things I'd been saying to him (some of it word for word). and it pointed out to me the unlikeliness of his changing anything for the better.
from the other side of the view, my reason when I contact my (other) ex hubby is because I miss some things about our friendship and periodically it's just nice to talk with him. I still have a lovely warm feeling for him, even though I have *no* desire to be married to him. if we lived somewhere nearby, we'd be good friends. fortunately both his wife and my hubby are very secure people, and we're all solid in our marriages so it's not a problem.
if my current hubby's exes were to contact him in the same way as you're describing, I'd probably suspect them of being up to something at least a little... but not put a stop to it because I totally trust my hubby. however if once we met my woman's intuition said "hunting"... I'd point that out to my hubby and *he'd* put an end to it.
My hubby's the most loyal and monogamous man ever made and I take good care of him, so I don't worry about defending my territory. exes in my space doesn't raise my hackles, and I'm not prone to that defensive behavior anyway, but I'm a bit unusual... most women feel more defensive of their territory than I do. I don't feel threatened or competitive with other women, but many women have some degree of that and it makes them hackle up when an ex is sniffing around. and some are just naturally protective in that way.
in my experience, guys come in two basic types on the subject: 1) enjoying the fantasy and 2) no clue.
guy # 1) is like my ex, I think sometimes men's curiosity ("she *STILL* thinks of me?") and fantasies ("she still WANTS me") and egos ("she hasn't been able to get me off her mind after all these years!") get the better of their practical sense ("is it worth ticking off my wife to find out? and what would I do about it anyway?") and makes them willing to overlook the likely causes of the contact (many of which are nefarious to some degree) and declare the causes innocent until proven otherwise. women with territory to protect are not so generous.
guy #2) is like my hubby, he'd see any of his exes and never think twice about her motivations since he's soooo not interested. for a lot of guys who are like him, I think the idea that there's *something afoot* here is simply lost on them because they're not even thinking in those terms.
the question to you, given what you know of your wife and her instincts and her insecurities, and what you know of your own gullibilities, ego and fantasies, then becomes "is it worth it?"
and to answer your other question ... woman's intiition just means that we're on to other women's motives, I think. but sometimes it means that we're blind to our own insecurities and projecting that on perceived outside threats.
what her reason is... ?
maybe newly available and testing the waters
maybe nostalgia
maybe unrequited longing
maybe just friendly fondness surfacing
but there's *always* a reason.
when I was dating my ex, near the end of the relationship, HIS ex wife showed up "out of the blue" after 20 years... only it was to tell him what a *jerk* he was and all the reasons that was true, and that she was still mad and hadn't forgiven him.... so from the current wife's perspective it's not *always* a bad thing... in our case I think she did me a favor. she said to him the same things I'd been saying to him (some of it word for word). and it pointed out to me the unlikeliness of his changing anything for the better.
from the other side of the view, my reason when I contact my (other) ex hubby is because I miss some things about our friendship and periodically it's just nice to talk with him. I still have a lovely warm feeling for him, even though I have *no* desire to be married to him. if we lived somewhere nearby, we'd be good friends. fortunately both his wife and my hubby are very secure people, and we're all solid in our marriages so it's not a problem.
if my current hubby's exes were to contact him in the same way as you're describing, I'd probably suspect them of being up to something at least a little... but not put a stop to it because I totally trust my hubby. however if once we met my woman's intuition said "hunting"... I'd point that out to my hubby and *he'd* put an end to it.
My hubby's the most loyal and monogamous man ever made and I take good care of him, so I don't worry about defending my territory. exes in my space doesn't raise my hackles, and I'm not prone to that defensive behavior anyway, but I'm a bit unusual... most women feel more defensive of their territory than I do. I don't feel threatened or competitive with other women, but many women have some degree of that and it makes them hackle up when an ex is sniffing around. and some are just naturally protective in that way.
in my experience, guys come in two basic types on the subject: 1) enjoying the fantasy and 2) no clue.
guy # 1) is like my ex, I think sometimes men's curiosity ("she *STILL* thinks of me?") and fantasies ("she still WANTS me") and egos ("she hasn't been able to get me off her mind after all these years!") get the better of their practical sense ("is it worth ticking off my wife to find out? and what would I do about it anyway?") and makes them willing to overlook the likely causes of the contact (many of which are nefarious to some degree) and declare the causes innocent until proven otherwise. women with territory to protect are not so generous.
guy #2) is like my hubby, he'd see any of his exes and never think twice about her motivations since he's soooo not interested. for a lot of guys who are like him, I think the idea that there's *something afoot* here is simply lost on them because they're not even thinking in those terms.
the question to you, given what you know of your wife and her instincts and her insecurities, and what you know of your own gullibilities, ego and fantasies, then becomes "is it worth it?"
and to answer your other question ... woman's intiition just means that we're on to other women's motives, I think. but sometimes it means that we're blind to our own insecurities and projecting that on perceived outside threats.
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