Why can't my husband hear me?

[jacyjones]

I think a lot of the problem is the difference between women and men. All the points about multi-tasking are true I think. It also may be true tho' that he has a slower processing speed - my dyslexic daughter has this and you have to wait for the info to be processed before you get a reaction or a response. She cannot multi task either and gets very focused on what she is doing to the point of cutting everything else out sometimes. It is very frustrating - my husband is like it too - we tell him he is not listening and he hotly denies this and will repeat what has just been said! He did not react when it was said, tho - how are we supposed to know he is part of the conversation? I find I converse much more with my girls than I do with him because I get a response! Maybe kids are the answer!

 

[cajunlizz]

Quote:
When he brings you flowers , does he even hear you say THANK YOU HONEY , or does he ignore that also ?
Sorry , but when I speak I want to be acknowledged as anyone else .

I think I would speak and repeat , even so much as to walk up to him and FACE TO FACE repeat my statement or question and make sure you have his attention .Sounds like a severe case of selective hearing , but that would have to change quick .

 

[cajunlizz]

Quote:
find a way of reassuring him ? WHAT AM I HEARING ? He has not reassured YOU of anything , except he is ignoring you , blocking you OUT , why ? because he wants to and looks like because he can .

You could fall flat on the floor hurt and this guy would respond WHEN he gets good and ready ? Come on girl .

I will give you an example of how me and my hubby responds to each other , if I am preoccupied and or I did not hear him ( BUT I am deaf in my right ear ) he will approach me and stand close, tap me on the shoulder UNTIL I respond ... HE makes me acknowledge him . Time to make your husband's BRAIN acknowledge YOU .... If he has the TV on , quietly take the remote , put it on mute and stand in front of the set . Same goes with the PC . ITS time for him to know you are upset about this and time for him to make changes .

 

[jvls1942]

Quote:
huh? did you say something?

 

[Opa]

What? Could you please speak up?

 

[cluckychick]

Maybe he does have to much going on in his brain? To many thoughts and processes, thus the reason he doesn't respond to outside stimuli. Has he been to the doctor?

The slow moving people, my DH's family is like that. Not my DH but my son, OMG he has one speed, ok maybe two, slow and very slow. It drives me absolutely crazy. I had him tested in kindergarten and about every year thereafter, he's 15 now, they have determined him to learning challenged. He learns just fine but it takes him longer to learn and process things and he's a hands on learner.

Some ppl are just different than others, talk to your husband and/or your family doctor, you may find something there.

Good Luck.

 

[Mom 2em All]

As I read your post, I thought maybe you were married to one of my husbands family members.

Then, I thought- oh! Maybe all men have ADHD.

I don't have any advice, sorry. Except to let you know you aren't alone- my husband and his male relatives are the exact same. Its a man thing.

Good luck, and I hope you find the strength to live with it. I have told my husband that I miss the beginning of our relationship when he listened to me, and didn't stare at the teevee when I am talking to him. Or reply with "Huh?" after I have been talking for five minutes and he appeared to be listening. lol.

I don't believe he is doing it on purpose.

I do have a funny- though it wasn't at the time- situation to share with you.

One day in the summer, years ago- my husband was in the bedroom, I was in the kitchen. My house is only 1000 sq.feet. The front door was open. A large stray black lab literally jumped through my screen door, ripping it open. I'm sure it was loud. I began screaming, and my dog- an old Great Dane, literally got into a dog fight with this dog in the kitchen. I was screaming for my husband to come help me. Chairs were being knocked over, the growls and snarls and me screaming- absolutely HAD to be heard down the street. I had my dogs collar- the other dog by the scruff. I needed HELP! I couldn't get this dog out the door in the other room. Somehow I managed... and then I went into the bedroom where he was watching teevee. I cant really remember what I said to him- something to the affect of "HOW CAN YOU BE WATCHING TEEVEE WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN BEING MURDERED AND WAS SCREAMING FOR YOU AND YOU NEVER EVEN CAME TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON AND HELP ME!!!!?" and he looked at me, confused and said, "What are you talking about?"

Now when i talk to him- I start with his name. I wait. I even say, "Are you listening?" Or I will even say, "Look at me-" then I talk. I don't say it mean. I keep it light-hearted, and just remember..

he's a guy. They are wired different.

 

[jvls1942]

I am probably guilty as charged..

but here is how it goes at our house.. I might be watching TV or working in the shop or just doing nothing..whatever....my wife of 47 years will say,just out of the blue,,... Leroy's cows got out on the road and one got hit by a car.. and I say "what?"and this is what she will come back with,,,,," one got hit by a car"... that's it !! and the I say, I heard the last part, what did you say first? she has done this to me for forty seven years.. No wonder we tune you gals out,

 

[Opa]

Both Hope and my mother have a habit of asking me things from another room. Or they'll talk to me as they are walking away. I was in demolition in the army, then spent 25 years on the fire department with sirens and air horns going off all around me. Then add years of hunting and target practice without hearing protection (we didn't know better then) and I know have less than perfect hearing. I have tried hearing aids but the background noise associated with wearing them was painful. Several of my friends have similar experiences with their hearing. It's not that we don't want to hear you, it that we don't. Please accept my appologies from "our" side.

 

[mhaines4102]

I would say that you do have the right to want to be heard. Unfortunately when someone appears to choose not to hear you, it is easy to interpret that as you are not valuable to listen to. That always hurts, rational or irrational, it still hurts.

I would hold on to a couple of things in this. First, his "not hearing" affects your perception of worth, but he obviously cares for you. Don't let go of that card, because it is the ace in the hole. It will allow you to say, it looks like this, but I know that is not true, so what else might be going on. It looks like that is exactly what you are saying, so don't lose that.

Second, this is a great time to evaluate your together habits. What many people are saying here about men being more monofocused is true, and it is very handy. God really knew what he was doing when he created us. His mechanisms for focus and blocking things out allows him to do things differently than you and vise versa. BUT, the wife in the Song of Solomon says that "his banner over me was love." He called her out from among the other women as a "lily among thorns." You are wanting a little of THAT time. Monofocus, multi task, I don't think your head / heart really cares. He might also want a little of that time. She (back to SOS) said of him he was an "apple tree among the trees of the woods" and that "his shade she rested in" and that his "fruit was sweet to taste." You may not be the only person feeling like you are under valued. Men and women evaluate those on completely different terms and typically when men feel undervalued, they clam up. They just go to a place of balance. It is the only defence they have. Fighting won't help, force is out of the question. It is easier to just enjoy the life they have together and go about doing whatever, because rocking the boat pushes her away. And "her" he likes. Can't fix it, they live with it. I would look at finding ways to be together and show each other value. When anyone feels highly valued, in that instance, they find it very easy to listen to the other person and make changes.

I am sorry it is so long a post, but assuming that he feels the exact same way you do, because you KNOW he loves you, allows you to explore productive, positive, forward facing solutions to the problem. Does that mean he will always listen to you when he is watching TV, maybe not. But you might find your marriage a lot closer. For my wife and I, together time was just driving around when the kids were little. We would go and just drive, explore. The kids fell asleep and we were together. We both loved the back roads, big barns and being "us."

For whatever that is worth, which is very little. And BTW, since I'm a pastor, I have to say, marriage is a picture of God's love for us, and nothing helps a marriage like 100% surrender to Christ. A three fold cord is hardly broken. Sorry so long.