friendship advice...help needed....

[ksacres]

Quote:
Well, true to my nature, I'm going to go against the flow here, and say you should make it (in your mind) a gift. Sounds like she's been a good friend to you for EIGHT years. What's $500 after eight years of friendship??

It seems like she's good people, helping you whenever you need it. Yes, she should have budgeted better, but it pays to remember that relationships are reciprocal...

 

[thechickenchick]

Darlene I just saw this thread. Forgive me for not reading all 4 pages, its been hectic around here this morning.

I understand you must be in turmoil over this situation. I have gotten to know you enough to understand that you have a heart of gold. Also in getting to know you I believe your family is your number 1 priority. A vacation for your family, although it may sound frivolous to your friend, is VERY important right now.

So if this helps, think of it as your families money, and it is not "yours" to loan. If this person really is your true friend she will understand how important this trip is to you and your family. To ease your turmoil maybe you can offer to babysit for her, or fill up a gas tank or something to help her out. Don't feel guilted into this dear, it is not your problem.

Oh! One more thing. You know how we have talked about kids? Think of it this way, if it were your son, what would you do? What have you decided is the best way to teach him? Tough love! If someone would have taught her the same way, she wouldn't be spending $ on tattoos instead of her rent!

Good luck and let me know how it works out.

 

[AngieChick]

Quote:
Well, true to my nature, I'm going to go against the flow here, and say you should make it (in your mind) a gift. Sounds like she's been a good friend to you for EIGHT years. What's $500 after eight years of friendship??

It seems like she's good people, helping you whenever you need it. Yes, she should have budgeted better, but it pays to remember that relationships are reciprocal...

I agree completely. I have lent money to friends on occasion and have never regretted it. Money is just money, it's not the end all be all. If you have been good close friends for 8 years and this has not come up before, she is obviously not a mooch.

If I had the money, and it was a good 2 way relationship, I would give it without a second thought. We could work out a payment plan if it was important to be paid back, or heck, some sort of trade.

Compassion can take us a long way, even if it's for someone who misjudged her finances. Homelessness would be way beyond "tough love". Personally, I could never watch that happen to my close friends or my family. The world just isn't so black and white.

 

[thechickenchick]

Quote:
She said she can't afford to make it a gift. It is not extra $, it is earmarked for a family vacation.

 

[The Chicken Lady]

Quote:
Okay, ignore my previous advice. If she has a husband and can't even talk to him about this, she has no business asking you for money.

Personally, I wouldn't put my family's vacation at stake by loaning out money to someone you can't trust with money. She's not trustworthy with her husband about money, so how can you possibly think she would be trustworthy with you about paying it back?

Your friendship would be ruined AND you would be out a family vacation, which your family would hold against both you and her. Not so good.

There are charities out there that can help her with budget and rent.

 

[ohiofarmgirl]

i'm in the 'dont do it' camp.. here is another reason why. until she pays you back - and if they are already behind and she hasnt told her man...well just do the math on that one -- anyway you will be in the position to be constantly evaluating what she does with her money. should she have gotten her nails done? bought this instead of that? will you start giving her money advice in hopes you'll get it back?

i'd say geez things are tough and if she brings up your vacay she's no friend of yours.

my sis is always hinting that i should pay her groceries, kids school activities, car payment etc etc etc...and then they go and blow their money on stupid stupid stupid things. thank heaven i have never given her money or there would have never been an end to it.

besides, everyone is having hard times right now (well lots of people), right? what happens when YOU get laid off? if she cant pay her rent how is she going to help you?

i'm guessing you feel bad and i'm guessing that she is making you feel bad with all kinds of sad stories but the hard fact is they should get rid of that truck, stop buying unnecessary things, and pay their own bills first (what happened to that rent money anyway? i'm guessing there is a whole story about that??)

sorry - you are in a bad spot. i'd just say that you cant do it and if she 'yeah but's' you say that you dont tell her everything and you just try and work on your own problems

ick. let us know what you do and we'll support you whatever happens.

ps EC - i love that you said the friend is testing the friendship - very insightful

 

[sred98]

Quote:
I agree with this 100%. It's not your money anymore...it's your family's vacation money. If you think of it like that, it should make it easier to tell her you don't have the extra money to spare. Vacations are a luxury and a necessity. How will you tell your family that they can't go on the vacation that was planned because your "friend" borrowed the money and hasn't paid it back. Just because you haven't paid for the trip yet, doesn't mean the money isn't spent. You made commitments with this money, to your family, and you shouldn't risk it.

Sounds like she needs to have a long talk with her DH. Truckers make decent money and with her working, they shouldn't be short of rent. You shouldn't have to go without so your friends can spend their money foolishly. You worked hard and budgeted for that. I can't imagine any of my good friends asking for money like that. They know it strains the friendship.

We only loan money to one relative, and they pay it back on or before the agreed upon date, with interest. (Their choice, not ours) They own their own business and taxes sometimes are more than anticipated or clients don't pay when they should. Things like that happens. They are responsible with their money and don't blow it when they don't have it.

If you do decide to lend it to her, I am afraid that we will see you on here in January, upset that you aren't going on your trip.

I would hate to see that. It seems that out of 4 or 5 pages of posts, only a handful think you should loan it. I know she's your friend, but you know how she is. Sounds like you are questioning whether she will repay you, or not. $500 is a lot of money. If it was only $100-200 that would be easier to pay back by January. January is only 4 months away. That would be $125 a month she would have to give you. Do you think she could, or would do that?

Good Luck!

Shelly

 

[chickaddict]

I have faced the same problem on several occasions. Things are tight for everyone right now, if she is a true friend, she will be able to handle "no" without an attitude.

Hubby and I have a standing rule on money lending. We always assume that we will never see it again. Even if the borrower insists they will repay. That way when they do repay it feels like we hit a tiny lottery.

reversing the problem for a moment

8 years ago a friend of mine hit the state lottery for 4 million. Her personality did not change one iota, but she lost a lot of friends anyway. We are trying to keep our home of 16 yrs right now, we may or may not succeed, she is the one person on the planet I would never borrow money from even though she has offered. I don't ever want my friendship to be questioned.

12yrs ago when we were financially stable. (we were broke all the time but the bills were handled on time) I lent money to someone I considered to be my "best friend". Within 4 years I no longer considered her a friend, she had turned into a sponge. Always needing something and assuming because I was her maid of honor that I would always cough it up.

It sounds like your friend is a little irresponsible with money. If she habitually relies on your to bail her out and you oblige, it will only be a matter of time before the friendship deteriorates.

Saying no to her will probably make you feel horrible. But ultimately it is probably the best decision.


good luck

 

[Dar]

well i have decided the answer is NO!

gosh that word is so hard for me to say all by itself.... its usually no but.....

thank you everyone for helping me... on monday night i told her that she had better call DH and tell him because the landlord stopped by while she was out on monday and her DD gave the landlord the dh's cell phone number, and i bet he will take it better if his wife told him and not the landlord.

i got to thinking about a lot after reading all the replies and here are the facts of any repayment if i did decide to loan her the money...

we are in September, all 4 of her childrens birthdays fall in one in October. 2 in November, and one in December, and then there is dear old Santa that must visit

when i was talking to her on monday she also told me that her mini van is broken down and had to have it towed home it is revving in high gear all the time and as soon as you take your foot off the break you speed at 60kmh so i am guessing it needs a new tranny...but anyway a lot of work and you know they need a van for all the birthdays and up coming holidays.

so you can see that i for sure would have been pushed to the back burner with no hopes of getting my money before my vacation which i am booking today and 9am i have an appointment with my travel agent

we are building our chicken coop this weekend (well started it last weekend and finishing it this weekend) has she offered to help? nope

oo and i did ask her what she spent her August`s rent on (cause thats what she is behind on) her reply was...
well you know i was working at the camp...well i needed gas money
and we had McDonalds a few times
and my tattoo
and the kids back to school things
and DS karate payment
DD horseback riding lessons

you know what when money was tight for me about 18 months back i cut all expenses including my childrens activities karate for my ds and me, dance for my dd, eating out, cable tv, and even internet and home phone were gone i was taking my laptop to mcdonalds and ordering just a coffee so i could sit there and use their free internet till we got back on our feet

sorry this has been so long.... thanks everyone

 

[jafo]

Money is truly the root of all evil. If you want to damage your relationship, then lend her the money., I'd stick to the original deal, anything BUT money.