Funny fart stories: you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll gag!!

[SpunkyChicken]

We mostly rely on my 17-year-old brother when it comes to fart humor. Not long ago, my brother and I and some friends of ours were over my boyfriend's house, playing video games in his basement. My brother went upstairs to use the bathroom next to the living room where my bf's 14-year-old daughter and her friend were sitting. After a while my brother came back downstairs and informs us that the during ENTIRE time he was up there he was making really loud farts that were echoing off the toilet bowl, and he could hear my bf's sister and her friend laughing their heads off just outside the door. He then walked out of the bathroom and back downstairs like nothing had happened. We cracked up so bad... the punchline is really that my bf's family is "proper" in the respect that they don't burp or fart or use potty humor around each other at all, so for my shameless brother to just waltz right in and start dishing out megaphone farts is one of the funniest things there is.

A few weeks later my bf was staying at my place (I live a couple hours away from him and my family), and we were voice chatting with my brother and a couple of our friends over Skype. And you know how giggly young people get late at night over practically anything... Well, at one point my brother says to my bf, "Kyle, I think you will appreciate this. Last night, I farted so hard my butt blew a bubble." (I can only assume he held a bubble wand up to his butt and farted, but we never actually clarified this LOL) We started laughing, but my friend Mike in particular went into a raging fit of laughter, and since his microphone had terrible audio quality, he sounded exactly like a squawking chicken. That had the rest of us going. When the laughter finally started to die down I blurted out, "Mike, you sound like a chicken!" and we all started cracking up again. My stomach hurt SO bad by the end of that night, haha.

 

[eaganchickens]

Quote:
LOL!!

 

[Solace]

Ok ok dang... I've been laughing at this thread for a few days now. My wife thinks I'm nuts I'm sure.

Here's one of my contributions..

Nearly 16 years ago I was in bed trying to get over a bad stomach virus. My first wife was around 7 months pregnant with my oldest son at the time when she suddenly had one of those cravings. She fixed herself some chocolate cake in a large bowl. As she slid back into bed she woke me up. Right off the bat I felt a huge pain, but was debating if it was gas or the virus. Since I had the comforter up around my neck I decided to risk it. While laying there pretending to be asleep I eased this catastrophe in the making out. I could literally feel the heat and weight of this thing creeping up from the depths towards my neck. I cracked my eye open just enough to see my wife was still enjoying her cake in a major way. Suddenly the beast reached the top of the comforter. It was so horrific I had to hold my breath. I wasn't about to let my wife know I was awake. On an upswing of her spoon the beast landed on her nostrils. All of a sudden she went to making some horrible gagging sounds... UGHHHH .... GUHHHHHH.... HEEEHHHHPHHHH..... she suddenly managed to muffle out the phrase ... 'You son of an unwed mother!!!' Then proceeded to projectile puke all over the place.

THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!!!!

 

[lovemychix]

That is a great story! I have a sister in law who has some gastrical issues and she's proud of it and will even wave them your way. She's just wrong.
Her DH passed away in a car accident a year ago and is dating a guy...I know it's early but it's her life I guess. Anyway, I made sure that I paid her back for all the waved farts my way by making sure he knew about her raunchy behavior. Paybacks are hell.

 

[AwsumnessofChickens]

Okay, this is gutsy, but I'm going to do this.

So, one day, my mom has all her muckety-muck galpals over to our house. While their munching on some rancid tasting foreign stuff, I'm cleaning up the kitchen.

Then I felt that ominpresent bubble, always happening when I least want it to, just right in my buttocks.

So, I let it rip, not having the will to hold it.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Silent but deadly?" Well, if you haven't, you just have.

Luckily, the toot was silent as a mouse. But as I began about my business, trying to breathe through only my mouth, I cought a whiff of the heavy odor that was rolling throughout the kitchen.

Yeah, uh, it smelled. Like, bad. Like, I nearly vomited at the smell of my own B.G. (body gas for peoples who don't know)

So, I clean up the kitchen in haste to get out of that--that gassy area.

My dog, Zella, comes in and lays right in between the counters, where I'm cleaning.

Guess what?

She lets one rip.

Pffffffftttbllrp

It was quiet, but audible. So now, the place is completely REEKING. Alright, so i put the last dish in the sink, and I'm about to leave--so close to freedom--when Mom calls me.

"Honey, was that you?"

Alright, I did what a reasonable preteen would do. Impulsively lied. I said quickly, "It was the dog."

"Mhmmm," said one of Mom's friends, who popped another foreign food on a cracker into her mouth. "Now, just how does this dog preform such odor?"

"I dunno." I replied, and i was on my way--a halfstep from the door and....

She actually continues, "I think it was a double team."

Again, I did the reasonably impulsive thing. "I didn't do it!" And then I was out.

Yeah, ummm, later, Mom scolded, "C'mon, honey. Spreading gas in the middle of my dinner party?"

Parents are like psychics. Sensing your soundless reeking farts.

 

[Solace]

Ok here's another that didn't involve me directly. Back when my brother and I were just teens dating girls the normal teen thing. He and I both took our girlfriends out to eat with our parents. When we got back home my mom was first in line to open the door closely followed by my brothers girlfriend (now wife) followed by my weak stomached dad. As she stepped up the steps to the house she popped the cork on one right in my dads face. All of a sudden he went to hacking, squealing, cussing and yelling things about not being able to see. The entire family went into hysterics laughing for what seemed like hours. My dad couldn't get past it... he told my brother in front of her that 'he needed to dump this one she's rotten and dead inside!'

To this day both of these stories are recounted at least once a year at some family gathering.

 

[the1much]

you all do know that this thread was thought up so that in the spring,, JennsPeeps is gonna start bribing fer eggs....

 

[arabookworm]

So today the weather was really nice, and I figured that this was basically going to be the only chance for the chicks to play outside for a while. so while their brooder was being cleaned, I took them out in small groups so I could supervise them playing. and then I feel a fart coming on, but I was like "I'm alone, its okay" right? wrong! just as I fart (and it was audible), my sister's friend who is a neighbor walks by and comes over to see the chicks, and says "was that you?"
I looked her straight in the eye and say "nope, the chickens do that all the time." and shes all like REALLY? and I'm like oh, yeah, you'd be surprised. and she totally bought it. and seemed to be a little afraid of the chickens after that.

 

[GPN]

 

[WriterofWords]

I've mentioned I archeology work in the summer, and reading about those who can't "perform" in a public restroom reminded my son about one of our team members that suffers that way. We don't have bathrooms out in the woods, sorry, it's just that way! I'd be doing my job, have to potty so I'd take a two-way and disappear into the trees, do my thing, come back and go back to work. This one woman finally walked up to me on her first trip out with us and asked me if I could show her where the bathroom was! I pointed at the trees and said over there, she said she'd gone out there and hadn't found it..... LOL I explained she just found a tree, dropped her pants leaned back against the tree and did her thing. She turned ghostly white and went back to work. I watched her for a bit and she was really miserable so I went over and asked her if she'd like me to go with her and stand watch if she was afraid of someone happening upon her. She told me that wasn't the problem, she had shy bowel syndrom and it was impossible for her to do this. I told her she'd be pretty upset soon if she didn't take care of her issue, I figured she must have to pee really bad by then.
About half an hour later she was working about ten feet from me, and suddenly the air just turned green and every bear within a mile fainted, I swear! She stands up and points at me and hollars "It was her!! The girl that craps in the woods!!!" Of course Steven being 13 at the time just says "Nah, my mom would claim it and brag about it!"