Funny fart stories: you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll gag!!

[congdon476]

For some reason in my college years I became lactose intolerant. I was visiting home one weekend and out shopping with my lil' sis, mom, and dad and we'd had some ice cream. I had a SBD building up and didn't want to release it around them, so walked behind a clothing rack and let it go. Quickly walked back to my family where upon my mom asked "What were you doing in the men's jeans section?" I whispered, "Well, you know, I had to fart." Just as I say it we look over and a man is walking to the jeans area. I kid you not, his face sickened, he gasped for air, and started flailing his hand around like he was shooing a fly away. Then he VERY quickly walks away and out of the department store. It was all we could do not to start cracking up... especially for me and my lil sis.

 

[Davaroo]

Like the OP, I hate the lingering Green Cloud of Death, myself.

You know, you're alone, you think no one will know, so you rip one off. Then the door bursts open and in walks your friends, co-workers or family.

" Aw geez!" someone blurts out.... "Who died in here??"

All eyes turn to you, and of course, they KNOW. I mean, other than a serious sewer line break, what else could it be? It has to be YOU... theres no one else there, after all. You think you'd committed some crime against humanity by the way they all look at you and carry on, howling and waving their hands around to brush away the stench.

All you can say in your defense is, "Whaaaaat?! Like you guys don't do it, too!" I always add the line, "... hey it's not gonna give you cancer, so back off." Such responses are pitiful, but they're all you got.

Has anyone mentioned lighting their emissions on fire? I admit to having done it as a kid - and it does work! Visit YouTube to see others enjoying this little pyrotechnique anomaly.

 

[Whispering Winds]

Remember Jim Carrey in "Liar, Liar" when he is getting off of the elevator and turns to the crowd and says, "IT WAS ME!" Loved it!!

 

[Lunachick]

Quote:
Oh my gosh!

Thanks for the laugh!

 

[Lunachick]

I just checked out the flaming farts on youtube! I'm gonna die!

 

[big greg barker]

My Grandfather died when I was 11. My cousin Larry and I were sitting in the second row from the casket with my Aunt Beulah and Uncle Arthur as the Reverend got up to deliver the eulogy. The room was settling down when Aunt Lulu, who was directly in front of us puffed one out. It wasn't loud, but Larry and I both heard it. Of course, we started giggling quietly, but in situations like that, you KNOW we couldn't stop. We had our heads down, and were silently laughing so hard, tears were running down our faces. People were going, " Oh look at those poor boys just crying their eyes out!" and " They are taking this really hard, Poor kids, they were so close to Grampa!" We could hear them, and that just made it worse. My Aunt Beulah had heard the fart, too, so when we got out of the church, you'd better believe there was Hell to pay. She told my Dad, and the next thing you know, the whole bunch was laughing like a bunch of idiots. The fart became known as the toast to the old Fart...........

 

[al6517]

I once knew this guy when I was in the Army years ago, and he actually liked to snif Farts, what he would do is this. As you all know that in the military you always have groups of men standing or gathering around, prime hunting grounds where a loud gross smelling pant's splitter is a badge of honor, the faster people scatter the better the bomb.

This guy would always be trolling for these bombs, he would rush in locate the stench and waft his hand in front of his face, while making a good impression of a french chef, and then he would proclaim his rating and critique it. Like this!! snif snif uummm nice exit but no bang I give it a 3, or uummm nice aroma but died to fast I give a 5, uummm wet & strong with a good linger I give it a 7.

This guy had a ton of these little sayings, and would have all us rolling, this guy liked the smell !!!. after awhile we would want to let one go if he was in the area, just to see how high of a rating we could get. This went on for about 2 yrs and I never even heard of anybody getting over an 8.

AL

 

[JennsPeeps]

OMG you guys have me crying. From people with fart ratings to funereal emissions, this is hilarious.

Here's my brother's fav fart story:

My brother used to work for the HQ of a telecom. One day he and his friend were delivering boxes of paper to a woman in her office. His friend bent over, picked up a 50-lb box of paper when a deep rumble came forth from his behind. It went:

MMMMOOOOOOOOORRRRRRR

Horrified, he and my brother looked at each other, then the woman. She turned to them and said:

"Well, ok. I would like some more. Thank you!"

They hoofed it out of there as fast as they could before they started to crack up. To this day, my brother laughs himself to tears that the woman responded to his friend's gas bubble.

 

[beak]

When I was a kid my friends father had a new 67 Oldsmobile. It had power windows which were rare then. Even rarer it had a master switch for the driver to lock all the windows. He took all of us to the store and got quite a charge out of locking the windows and passing loud obnoxious horrible smelling farts.

Then of course it's always fun to pass gas on the elevator.

 

[JennsPeeps]

Quote:
My brother did that to his smoker friends as retribution for the secondhand smoke.

Once I farted in the $ Store and some old guy heard it. He looked horrified. DBF dragged me out of that plalce so fast my head spun. He was sooo mad!

My mom is a famous "shopping farter". If she gets The Look, don't go anywhere near her.