I will not feel guilty... and I will not forgive & forget!

[Buugette]

Note: I tried to keep it short… didn’t work… sorry.

Mom & Dad (Jim) divorced when I was 8 (after he got drunk and threatened my mom with a loaded 357 magnum). Jim was in and out of my life at ages 10, 15 and 21. Step Mom abused me when I was forced to visit in the summer. I was 10 when I refused to visit anymore, after he told me, and I quote "You should never have been born. You were nothing more than a mistake." Rarely paid child support. Rarely called. Rarely cared.

Fast forward to my wedding at age 26. Jim and I started talking again. I tracked him down. Jim was invited to wedding, but not to walk me down isle. Step Dad (Vic) had that honor as he was more of a father than Jim ever was. He was a no show but did send money and a card. I spoke to him after the wedding, thanked him for the gift, sent wedding pic via FedEx. He asked for a copy of the video when I got it back. Fine... no problem. Never heard from him after that. I called, left messages, sent letters... nothing... so I didn't send the video.

Fast forward to age 42, he sends me a FRIEND REQUEST on facebook. I haven't had contact with him in 16 years and honestly haven’t cared.

This was the correspondence between us...

Jim:
Friend Request

Me:
What do you want?

Jim:
I guess by your response you aren’t happy to hear from me.

Me:
Really… ? Haven’t heard from you since my wedding… why do YOU think I wouldn’t be happy to hear from you?

Jim:
I figured when you didn't want me in your wedding it was pretty clear where we stood

Me:
Come on... do you really think you deserved to stand by me at my wedding? You were invited... you and I were on talking terms. You knew I was pregnant... I sent you wedding pictures... and then nothing... never heard from you again. I called you several times after my wedding and got nothing in return. You can't go in and out of someone's life like that. I was always the one tracking you down... looking for you... you would be there for a few months and then gone. You can say all you want that I walked away, or that Vic had something to do with it... or whatever... but I was a CHILD... YOUR CHILD. You were supposed to be the adult and be a father. You chose to walk away over and over and over. I have been at the same address with the same phone number and listed in the phone book and on the internet for 15 years... and mom has lived in the same house for over 20 years now... and her number is listed as well. If you wanted to find me... you would have. Now that I'm 42 years old you contact me by sending me a Friend Request on Facebook. Are you kidding me?

Jim:
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE VIDIO OF YOUR WEDDING THAT YOU ASK
ME IF I WANTED WHEN YOU SENT THE PICTURES. I'M STILL WAITING ON IT. AND I ALSO KNOW THAT YOUR MOM AND VIC BOUGHT YOU A COMPUTER SO YOU WOULDN'T COME TO BELLEFONTAIN FOR THE SUMMER. I'M SORRY I DIDN'T HAVE THE MONEY TO BUY YOUR AFFECTION

Me:
You're kidding right... I got the computer system when I was 15... at Christmas... had NOTHING to do with you. I stopped going to Bellfountain years before that because your witch of a wife, Jean, liked to beat your daughter. I have told you this before... you just never believed me. And to be honest, it’s pathetic that you are blaming your lack of communication with me on money and a computer.

The wedding video... really? I never heard word one from you after I sent you the wedding pics. I called and left numerous messages... no response at all. Why would I then send the video?

I'm sure you have this wonderful happy little life down in Florida with Glenna and her family. That's fine... you have her children, her grandchildren and perhaps even great grandchildren... but you left your family behind. You ever think about my half brother? Perhaps it was too hard, or I was too angry, hurt, disappointed... whatever you told yourself to make peace with it in your head. You were my father, you were supposed to want me, you were supposed to try. But then again, I will always have your words "you never should have been born" ringing in my head.

I'm not going to play this game with you. I am not going to be the villain in this story.

You want to know about my life... here's a summary. I'm fine, Mike is fine and my kids are amazing. My boy is a straight A honors student, plays the Clarinet, plays in the school band, district band, and even made County Band and played in the music festival. He also auditioned for and made the elite Wind Ensemble band in the High School. He was inducted into the National Honors society a year earlier that most students. He is a happy, healthy teenager.

My girl is a straight A student, plays the flute, is in the school band and district band.

They both are in 4H and raising bantam chickens in the backyard to show at the Grange Fair in August. They are both healthy, happy and have a wonderful relationship with both sets of grandparents.

It is obvious you have no sense of fatherly love for any of your actual children... so don't pretend to care. Pretending to be someone you're not is hurtful and disrespectful. I learned a long time ago that it is those who stand beside you regardless of the situation who are your true family and friends.

Jim:
IT'S GREAT TO HEAR. YOUR FAMILY IS DONG SO GOOD. YOU WANT TO BLAME SOME ONE FOR US NOT BEING CLOSER. YOUR MOTHER IS THE ONE THAT BROKE UP OUR MARRIAGE. BUT ENOUGH OF THAT . A LITTLE ABOUT ME, I HAD A HEART ATTACK IN 2000, HAVE 3 STENTS IN MY HEART.YOU UNCLE RANNY HAD A STROKE AND HAD BRAIN SURGRY. YOUR UNCLE GARY WAS KILLED WHEN HE HIT A DEER WITH HIS MOTORCYCLE I'LL SAY GOOD BYE AND JUST HOPE THINGS CHANGE BEFORE I DIE. I FORGIVE YOU AND I KNOW GOD WILL SO HOPE I'LL SEE YOU IN HEAVEN. I'LL BE THERE AND I HOPE YOU WILL BE TOO. MAY GOD KEEP ON BLESSING YOU AND I'LL SAY BYE BYE AND SORRY TO HAVE BOTHERED YOU

I despise when people who are trying to justify themselves play the “God” card. It is none of his business what I do or do not believe. My relationship with God is between me and God… not Jim. He says that HE FORGIVES ME?!? Really? I don’t need or want his forgiveness for anything.

I know… someone on here is gonna say that I should forgive him, allow him into my life. Holding onto the anger will only make me the bad one… he has turned to God and became a new person. CRAP… he only “found” God because he almost died. Before that… his only thoughts of god was when he spelled dog backwards!

I had long ago put him behind me and my family. What angers me is his lack of remorse and his belief that he has any right to claim me as his daughter or my children as his grandchildren. Oh, and the arrogance that he will be in heaven and will be waiting for me! Don’t bother… cause my vision of Heaven does not include him!

So that my friends… is my rant for the day. Thank you kindly for listening (reading).

D

 

[chickaddict]

I would not have let him into my life either. Forget???? probably not possible

I would, however figure out a way to forgive him. Not for him, for you. He sounds a little too arrogant to believe he needs forgivenss.

 

[Vanderfelt]

How amazingly frustrating! I know exactly what you're going through. I am so sorry! I hope you deal with it better than I did. The impotent anger I felt in my situation kept me awake for days. Breathe, realize your life wouldn't have turned out so well with a negative, toxic person like that as an influence. (Thank goodness he isn't around your children )

 

[Baymule]

I can identify with what you are saying. My ex had nothing to do with our daughter, my husband has been her Dad, put her through college, helped support her and her husband while they were in school. He is her Dad, my ex -- she refers to him as the physco sperm donor. You sound like you have grown up to be a good person, a good Mom and none of it is thanks to your father. If you have made it this far in your life without him, what do you need him for? Hmmm..... I would say nothing. If you invite him into your life, be prepared for the drama and all the crap that comes with dealing with a selfish son-of-a-xxxxx. I find it interesting that he blames your Mom-what-did she force that 357 into his hand? There are some people that have "loser mentality" and he sounds like one of them. Just think how much better off your own children are for never knowing him. Yes, I agree, forgive and forget. Forgive him for your own healing, then forget all about him.

 

[texasgal]

Wow .. my mouth fell open when he said he forgives you ..

However, forgiving him and letting him have one minute of your life are two completely different things ..

Forgiving means letting go of the anger, choosing not to let him FURTHER affect you by you wasting another minute on him.

I'm sorry for this ..

It sounds like you have a wonderful family and alot to be thankful for..

 

[silkiechick236]

People never cease to amaze me. My sis went through the same thing w/ her bio dad. Sorry you have to deal w/ this

 

[cmjust0]

He's clearly a manipulator.

He's guilt tripping you on his health issues, his brother's health issues, his other brother's death....he's just trying to make you feel like you should be/have been there....oh poor, pitiful him...so burdened...so put-upon..

And the whole thing about 'I didn't have the money to buy your affection' is obviously his only way of assuaging the envy and jealousy and bitterness he felt about having to sit idly by as another man provided for *his* daughter, simply because he was never quite able to summon the gumption to claw his way out of loserville and gain the means to do it himself.. How deeply embarrassed he feels about that particular failure is illustrated very clearly by the fact that he'd stoop so low as to badmouth you -- his own child -- by implying that your affections could simply be bought. Shifting responsibility of your own failures off to your children is ***the epitome*** of loserdom.

I'm not a religious person, but hearing stories of people like this kinda make me hopeful that there might be a Hell afterall.

Oh, but can I just tell you what I found to be the most astounding part of the whole thing???

You got a computer in 1983?!? Wow...your mom and Vic must have been the coolest parents EVER!

 

[debilorrah]

He is delusional. And my "father" that walked away when I was 10 is named Jim too.

 

[mom'sfolly]

Sixteen years without contact was certainly not enough. I think I would go for double!!!!

Your sperm donor sounds like the worst kind of loser. Don't let his muck racking of old stuff bring you down. It sounds like you have life well in hand, with people who truly care about you. You owe him nothing, he broke off contact.

 

[Funky Feathers]

I can't identify (my dad was a loving dad) but how horrible! What a misanthrope. I agree with you, your feelings are correct for the situation. I agree totally with every response you gave him. He is a fool. Better to try to forget him, though I know it's hard. So sorry you had a bad father. You are the normal, healthy one. Your life will go on just fine without him.