In Desperate Need of Advice

[Half Moon Ranch]

When I began our adventure into having a small flock of chickens, my Wife and I had discussed it and were all in.
It was a labor of love and she delighted in not only helping take care of them, but she helped paint the coop and run as well.
Regrettably, later in the year, to be precise, October 21st, 2014, my Wife was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer, which had metastasized to the bone.
She had been complaining about back pain, but we were never able to do much more than visits to the chiropractor due to her losing her job and her benefits during the recession.
Thus began my near 5+ year experience with being a caregiver. It was my honor and out of my love for her that I took on the task.
Helping care for my Mother prepared me for it, so it came naturally.
In the process, I kept up with the birds, regarding feeding, watering, etc.., but everything else suffered from lack of my ability to do more.
I work full time, with a 45 minute commute, was getting up at 4:30 am to tend to my elderly Mother next door, my Wife and then going to work.
When I returned home each day I was completely exhausted, but I did the essential chores and made sure everyone was tended to.

Once we got her on Medicaid, my Wife, Susie, reacted well to the gene specific infusion therapy and recovered to the point were she at least could somewhat function.
We spent the next 5 years dealing with bone fractures due to the cancer, chronic pain and to the extent that we could, as the song goes, we "Lived like you were dying".
We cherished every moment and thought we had time, but unfortunately the good Lord had other plans.
While attempting to recover from a second surgery on a fractured left femur, Susie began to show signs of confusion. At first I thought it might be from an infection, but an MRI revealed that the cancer she had fought so bravely for 5 years, had metastasized to her brain.
She had one decent day where I got to explain to her why she had been confused, tell her I loved her and that I would see her in Heaven some day.
The following day, January 16th, 2020, Susie passed away peacefully.

I am thankful that she suffers no more and I believe she smiles down from Heaven.
I am now finding out what losing a loved one that I cared after for so long feels like. My very purpose in life has gone away and for the first time in 19 years, I feel loneliness. I feel as though I am wandering blindly in the darkness.
I am years behind in chores, upkeep of the property, the home and even myself.
Grief has so enveloped me that I lack the motivation to do much of anything and I'm $25,000 in debt on top of it.

Does anyone have any ideas of what I could do to relieve myself of the burden of five chickens?
I would gladly give up the coop that we worked so hard on to see them go to a good home.
We had originally intended to add onto the flock early on, but when Susie's health went downhill, I decided not to.
I need to tend to myself and attempt to recover from the horrible nightmare of losing the love of my life and there just isn't enough of me to go around anymore.

 

[EggSighted4Life]

Dear kind and broken hearted husband, thank you for your love and devotion, I KNOW Susie felt! So very sorry for your loss, words can never be enough.

Thank God Susie is free from her pain. Seeing that you do intend to see her in heaven... I ask God to lift you up and comfort you and give you His peace, which surpasses all understanding!

When I need to get rid of birds or anything, Craigslist is an easy option. I usually post in the farm and garden section. There is also a market place section here on BYC. Adding your general location to your profile or in your post might help folks make the best suggestions possible at a glance. There is also a "where am I where are you" section her on BYC that might help you connect with locals in your area.

That is a beautiful coop, and if you are able I would consider asking a fee for it to help cover some of your debt. Something that nice would go for not less than $500 here, though I get it was likely more than that initially. If your hens are close to 5 years old... then free is a good value for them and they should go quickly allowing you to take your time selling the coop.. if that works for you.

Other places to consider posting something might be your local feed store as many have free posting boards. My local health food also has free posting boards for thing like that.

Ah, bless you sir... that you are STILL able to say "the GOOD Lord had other plans"... you are clearly a strong individual who understands.. we can do all things through Him who gives us strength... we are weak but He is strong. So many folks turn their back on God when they don't understand. Consider visiting this thread if you feel like venting, getting some support, or just need to be with some strangers who also love the Lord...
https://www.backyardchickens.com/th...hrist-everyone-welcome.1135475/#post-17580760
Words seem so pointless. But with all my heart, I KNOW you are honoring both your wife and God by doing what you can to take care of yourself and recover from your living nightmare. When you feel as though you just can't anymore... Let God.. let Him heal your heart and draw you near.

I lost my Mom last April. January 16 was her birthday... The same day our Father welcomed your Susie home. I think losing a spouse is much harder, as we always know we won't be with parents forever. I hope God gives you a new purpose and hope!

Thanks for sharing that lovely picture!

 

[BarredRockMom]

Dear HalfMoonRanch:

I'm very sorry to hear of your dear wife's passing. How terribly hard it is to lose someone so dearly loved. I know that you are likely just going thru the motions, are utterly heartbroken and feeling that acute loss with every fiber of your being. When we lose one who has become like an extended part of ourselves, it makes each day feel as if we are walking with leaded shoes & under water. It seems impossible to imagine that the world keeps turning and that life goes on, considering that you feel like you are watching from the sidelines. How can life continue, considering who you've lost?

It seems grossly unfair that you should have to adjust to this new reality, I know. You seem to be present to anyone looking, but unless someone can SEE, they wouldn't know that you're not really there. It's as if everything is happening around you and yet taking such a long time to register thru the daze. You know that you're awake, yet pray that you're sleeping & can wake up from this nightmare... only to realize that your nightmare is real.

You had many wonderful years together and understandably wanted many more. You overcame many challenges & obstacles together and now wonder what to do with yourself.

I hear you and want to offer some encouragement. There is some good news and you probably know this already, but it will get better. That doesn't mean that you will miss your lovely wife less, just that the acute ache will lessen with time. How much time it takes & how much less it hurts are different for everyone and the whole process flat out stinks, as if you didn't already know. And please know that healing the ache of your utterly broken heart doesn't mean that you will forget her. That's not something that you would ever want to do and it's absolutely not possible. So giving yourself permission to grieve but trying to find some simple pleasure out of each day is not a betrayal of the love that you share or something that could move you further from her. (I say "share" not "shared" on purpose. Your love story isn't over, you're just in different celestial zip codes, as it were. I am in no way minimizing the situation in which you've found yourself & mean that with no disrespect or flippancy.)

And there is MORE good news...True love never dies. You know that our bodies are merely a shell where our souls live while here on earth. It's a beautiful and familiar shell to be sure, but it's the SOUL, the love that makes up a person's true self that continues once the shell passes. All of the energy, the creativity, the humor and absolute sparkle that made your wife her beautiful and unique self, all of those traits have continued. She's returned home, taking only the positives with her. How grateful I am for her one day if clarity, that you were able to tell her what had been going on, what was going to happen and share that connection again before she passed. HalleluYAH that you had such a gift, as without it, you may have worried more that she was confused or frightened as she crossed over.

We all came from the Creator and someday we'll all return, many call that Heaven. She wasn't alone on her journey, she was likely met by loved ones who went home before her and she's surrounded by loving family & friends even now. She's safe & alright and you will be too, even if you're not exactly sure how that's going to work out to be the case.

Despite your not being able to physically see, hear or touch the apple of your eye, she's still there, just on the other side of the veil that separates this world from the spirit world. When you hear a song on the radio, hear a particular turn of phrase, smell her perfume or the scent of a certain something cooking, perhaps those are all little ways that you can tell that she's with you & that she's alright.

While it will never be (on Earth) like it was, I hope that this note will comfort and inspire you. I hope that you know that you really WILL see her again, that no matter how short or long it is between that day and today that you'll know her anywhere and she'll know you too. She loves you & appreciates all that you did for her. She didn't want to leave you behind any more than you wanted her to have to go. And she knows that you have a certain degree of sadness at not wanting her to be gone, yet being glad that she's not here suffering any more. Anyone who loves another (like you two love one another) knows that saying "it's ok to leave" when you know it will ease their pain yet heap anguish on yourself, would say the same.

So if you happen to have dreams of you darling wife, don't be surprised to see her at her most beautiful and vibrant self. Gone will be the sickness, the worry, the confusion that she suffered through. She's back to being her perfect self. She's grateful, she's healthy, she's surrounded by family, friends & loves you, too.

It's just different now & that requires no small amount of adjustment. I would further encourage you to find a grief support group. Being with others who are going thru the same thing can really help. When you lean on others, it gives you both strength.

I applaud your wanting to do right by your flock and for recognizing that it's just not in you to care for them. As for the debt, do what you can to settle it. There are lots of debt consolidation companies and they can often settle for pennies in the dollar. A word of caution tho, do your own research & be your own advocate.

In closing, know that many people care about you and have you in their prayers, even if they don't respond to what you've written.

 

[NightingaleJen]

Oh, this breaks my heart. I've nothing to offer right now, unfortunately, particularly after the two previous loving and eloquent responses. I will pray for you. Remember always our Rock of Ages, God in Heaven who holds us in steadfast, abounding love—the God of All Comfort. Jesus is called the "Man of many sorrows"—He is God come to earth as a human being, just like us, and He certainly lost loved ones during His life on this earth. Isaiah tells us He is not just Mighty God, but our Wonderful Counselor and Prince of Peace.

So often the gospel of Mark tells us that Jesus is moved with pity or compassion for those who are ill or hungry or weary. Imagine how much more He is looking on you with love right now, knowing you have lost your beautiful and beloved wife!

You probably remember Jesus telling us we'd have troubles in this life. But He also told us He would be with us always, "even to the end of the age". He is trustworthy; He understands; He cares. If He can and does forgive us for our trespasses against His perfection (a forgiveness purchased with His own life!), He can and will walk through the valleys with us, 'til He calls us home.

Please do not lose hope. In all things look to Christ, rely on Him. Even in the deepest darkness, He is there!

 

[BlueBaby]

Thank's for sharing your story with us! I'm sorry for your loss. Thing's may be tough at first as you try to get thing's straightened out in your life. It take's time to adjust, and you can do this. Think about the plan's that you and Susie made together, and then try to fulfill what was still left undone. She's still watching you from the other side. Make her proud!

 

[gtaus]

Sorry for your loss. You have gone through a lot and the loss of someone so close takes time to work through. I am glad to read that you understand that you now need to take of yourself, too.

Does anyone have any ideas of what I could do to relieve myself of the burden of five chickens? I would gladly give up the coop that we worked so hard on to see them go to a good home.

Already mentioned is posting something at your feed store(s). Older chickens have no value where I live, but you might offer them as pets. Lots of people around here would love to have a chicken coop like yours for a fair price. Sell the coop with the chickens for free. Where I live, you would probably have a better chance selling your coop than giving it away for free. "Free" where I live is code for junk I don't want to bother to dispose of myself. You have a nice coop there and I think someone would be glad to pay for it.

I know some people around here "retire" their older chickens by just letting them free range and more or less fend for themselves on the farm. If you find you can't rehome your flock, then maybe that's an option to consider as it would relieve yourself of the burden of caring for them everyday. Our great grandparents just let their chickens run around the farm. You probably don't care much for gathering eggs anyway if the chickens are past production. I understand that might not be an option if you live in town.

Again, sorry for your loss.

 

[Half Moon Ranch]

Dear kind and broken hearted husband, thank you for your love and devotion, I KNOW Susie felt! So very sorry for your loss, words can never be enough.

Thank God Susie is free from her pain. Seeing that you do intend to see her in heaven... I ask God to lift you up and comfort you and give you His peace, which surpasses all understanding!

When I need to get rid of birds or anything, Craigslist is an easy option. I usually post in the farm and garden section. There is also a market place section here on BYC. Adding your general location to your profile or in your post might help folks make the best suggestions possible at a glance. There is also a "where am I where are you" section her on BYC that might help you connect with locals in your area.

That is a beautiful coop, and if you are able I would consider asking a fee for it to help cover some of your debt. Something that nice would go for not less than $500 here, though I get it was likely more than that initially. If your hens are close to 5 years old... then free is a good value for them and they should go quickly allowing you to take your time selling the coop.. if that works for you.

Other places to consider posting something might be your local feed store as many have free posting boards. My local health food also has free posting boards for thing like that.

Ah, bless you sir... that you are STILL able to say "the GOOD Lord had other plans"... you are clearly a strong individual who understands.. we can do all things through Him who gives us strength... we are weak but He is strong. So many folks turn their back on God when they don't understand. Consider visiting this thread if you feel like venting, getting some support, or just need to be with some strangers who also love the Lord...
https://www.backyardchickens.com/th...hrist-everyone-welcome.1135475/#post-17580760
Words seem so pointless. But with all my heart, I KNOW you are honoring both your wife and God by doing what you can to take care of yourself and recover from your living nightmare. When you feel as though you just can't anymore... Let God.. let Him heal your heart and draw you near.

I lost my Mom last April. January 16 was her birthday... The same day our Father welcomed your Susie home. I think losing a spouse is much harder, as we always know we won't be with parents forever. I hope God gives you a new purpose and hope!

Thanks for sharing that lovely picture!

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. As with all other aspects of my life, I place my life in God's hands and pray that he give me the guidance to make the right decisions.
I will check out the thread you provided, for I can use all the prayers I can get.
I am sorry to hear about your Mother. I know what that is like since I lost mine in January of 2016. Unfortunately my Father followed only two months later.
The loss rocked me to my core and yet I can say for some reason that I cannot fully explain, Susie's loss made that pale in comparison. I loved my parents dearly and not a day goes by that I don't miss them.

On the subject of the flock and the coop, the coop is still in pretty good shape. I built it very solidly and about the only flaw it has, is that I never got around to adding a nesting box. The girls simply laid in the coop during the day when everyone was running around in the run. As to the flock, that didn't turn out the way I had intended. I bought 5 silkie chicks from a local breeder and as you know, silkies can't be safely sexed, so they were straight run, which meant I should have a roughly 50/50 chance at getting hens vs roosters.
Well as my luck would have it I went 5 for 5 and got all roosters believe it or not.
3 were very docile and 2 not so much. One of them was evil incarnate, which is strange for silkies, but he attacked everybody and was a danger to the rest, so I had no choice but to cull him. One of the others was killed by a hawk and that's when I brought everyone inside the runs. Meanwhile, I had bought 4 sexed buff orpington chicks from a local feed store.
One of them turned out to be the biggest and meanest rooster I have ever seen. He was too beautiful to cull, so I re-homed to a fella who had 17 hens and an ailing rooster.
I'm sure he fit right in there.
One of the girls died early on from what I never figured out, leaving me 2 hens, Estaline and Daisy.

So, in the end I have 3 black silkie roosters that I refer to as Larry, Moe and Curly, 1 being an ornery cuss, that's Moe and the other two knot heads are very sweet and docile unless they're together outside the coop. Then it's literally like watching the three stooges.
My two girls stopped laying a while back. They gave us many beautiful and delicious brown eggs, but I have to be honest, with what I spent for the materials for the coop, my labor and the upkeep, those are the most expensive eggs I ever ate.
You gave me some great ideas that I will look into, but as I think about it, it may be hard to even give these birds away. They have become more pets than a functioning flock and I kept it going out of my love for Susie and my commitment to seeing it through.

 

[Half Moon Ranch]

Dear HalfMoonRanch:

I'm very sorry to hear of your dear wife's passing. How terribly hard it is to lose someone so dearly loved. I know that you are likely just going thru the motions, are utterly heartbroken and feeling that acute loss with every fiber of your being. When we lose one who has become like an extended part of ourselves, it makes each day feel as if we are walking with leaded shoes & under water. It seems impossible to imagine that the world keeps turning and that life goes on, considering that you feel like you are watching from the sidelines. How can life continue, considering who you've lost?

It seems grossly unfair that you should have to adjust to this new reality, I know. You seem to be present to anyone looking, but unless someone can SEE, they wouldn't know that you're not really there. It's as if everything is happening around you and yet taking such a long time to register thru the daze. You know that you're awake, yet pray that you're sleeping & can wake up from this nightmare... only to realize that your nightmare is real.

You had many wonderful years together and understandably wanted many more. You overcame many challenges & obstacles together and now wonder what to do with yourself.

I hear you and want to offer some encouragement. There is some good news and you probably know this already, but it will get better. That doesn't mean that you will miss your lovely wife less, just that the acute ache will lessen with time. How much time it takes & how much less it hurts are different for everyone and the whole process flat out stinks, as if you didn't already know. And please know that healing the ache of your utterly broken heart doesn't mean that you will forget her. That's not something that you would ever want to do and it's absolutely not possible. So giving yourself permission to grieve but trying to find some simple pleasure out of each day is not a betrayal of the love that you share or something that could move you further from her. (I say "share" not "shared" on purpose. Your love story isn't over, you're just in different celestial zip codes, as it were. I am in no way minimizing the situation in which you've found yourself & mean that with no disrespect or flippancy.)

And there is MORE good news...True love never dies. You know that our bodies are merely a shell where our souls live while here on earth. It's a beautiful and familiar shell to be sure, but it's the SOUL, the love that makes up a person's true self that continues once the shell passes. All of the energy, the creativity, the humor and absolute sparkle that made your wife her beautiful and unique self, all of those traits have continued. She's returned home, taking only the positives with her. How grateful I am for her one day if clarity, that you were able to tell her what had been going on, what was going to happen and share that connection again before she passed. HalleluYAH that you had such a gift, as without it, you may have worried more that she was confused or frightened as she crossed over.

We all came from the Creator and someday we'll all return, many call that Heaven. She wasn't alone on her journey, she was likely met by loved ones who went home before her and she's surrounded by loving family & friends even now. She's safe & alright and you will be too, even if you're not exactly sure how that's going to work out to be the case.

Despite your not being able to physically see, hear or touch the apple of your eye, she's still there, just on the other side of the veil that separates this world from the spirit world. When you hear a song on the radio, hear a particular turn of phrase, smell her perfume or the scent of a certain something cooking, perhaps those are all little ways that you can tell that she's with you & that she's alright.

While it will never be (on Earth) like it was, I hope that this note will comfort and inspire you. I hope that you know that you really WILL see her again, that no matter how short or long it is between that day and today that you'll know her anywhere and she'll know you too. She loves you & appreciates all that you did for her. She didn't want to leave you behind any more than you wanted her to have to go. And she knows that you have a certain degree of sadness at not wanting her to be gone, yet being glad that she's not here suffering any more. Anyone who loves another (like you two love one another) knows that saying "it's ok to leave" when you know it will ease their pain yet heap anguish on yourself, would say the same.

So if you happen to have dreams of you darling wife, don't be surprised to see her at her most beautiful and vibrant self. Gone will be the sickness, the worry, the confusion that she suffered through. She's back to being her perfect self. She's grateful, she's healthy, she's surrounded by family, friends & loves you, too.

It's just different now & that requires no small amount of adjustment. I would further encourage you to find a grief support group. Being with others who are going thru the same thing can really help. When you lean on others, it gives you both strength.

I applaud your wanting to do right by your flock and for recognizing that it's just not in you to care for them. As for the debt, do what you can to settle it. There are lots of debt consolidation companies and they can often settle for pennies in the dollar. A word of caution tho, do your own research & be your own advocate.

In closing, know that many people care about you and have you in their prayers, even if they don't respond to what you've written.

I almost didn't know where to start with your wonderful and insightful reply. You must know something about this experience to understand it as such an intimate level.
If you aren't one, you would have made a great therapist.
Nothing you said sounded disrespectful or flippant, on the contrary.
I am in fact feeling weighted down, overwhelmed and for once, feeling more vulnerable than I can ever remember.
I'm no wimp, I typically fear nothing and confront life's challenges in a proactive way. I was Susie's protector, her advocate, her companion through anything that might have come, but try as I might, I could not save her from the evil of cancer.
In this regard I feel grossly inadequate, though I know it's not my fault.
I did everything I could for those years, to provide her with comfort and brighten her day as a diversion from the pain and suffering.

I accept the challenge of grappling with this obstacle. I believe that the degree of grief one feels after the loss of a loved one is commensurate with the degree of love they felt when they were alive and mine is great.
I have joined a grieving message forum and through one of the links provided to me by a counselor, I saw a quote that aptly stated: "Grief is love with nowhere to go."
That hit home with me in a big way.

Fortunately I have been blessed with responses of kindness, compassion and prayers from almost everyone. A few people don't know how to process this kind of loss and are uncomfortable applying an understanding of it to their own lives and I get that.
About 20 years ago I lost a love, due to my own lack of understanding of relationships and I sought counseling from a wonderful lady who provided me with many tools to cope with grief.
Thank God for her because I don't think I could even function right now had it not been for that.

I am now confronted with a huge sense of emptiness from my loss of purpose as a caregiver, a sense of boredom I am unfamiliar with since I always have been self entertaining and a loneliness that I have not known for so many years I had forgotten what it felt like.
I do talk to her when I'm driving to work and home again. I like to think she's listening and I believe she's keeping track of my progress. I will always remember her just as I met her and the first impression she ever left me with as a beautiful, enchanting and lovely young Woman, who forever altered my perception of relationships.

I am reminded of her all the time. I have spent the last month scouring over cards, photos, notes to one another and mementos bringing back precious memories.
I treasure each and every one.
I play guitar and write and we used to sing a few duets. She had a beautiful voice. I have some old mini discs with recordings of us that I am now cherishing.
I plan to write her a song or two as soon as I can concentrate again.
She was the most warm and vivacious Woman I have ever known and I know that I was blessed with the ability to spend so much time with her.

Here is how I will always remember Susie.
This was from 2002 in Blowing Rock NC.
That look of love on her face inspired me to dedicate the rest of her life to loving her.

 

[Half Moon Ranch]

Everyone else, I promise to reply to each and every one of you. I am exhausted, lacking sleep and I must get up extremely early, I but I will get back to you.
Thank you all for reaching out. I can't tell you how much that means to me.

 

[NightingaleJen]

Thank you for sharing the beautiful picture of Susie. Please take care of yourself—don't worry so much about responding right now unless you think it's helpful to talk (and sometimes it is).

Not wanting to give up the flock is certainly understandable; you associate them deeply with Susie. That makes sense.

And I'm so glad to read you have recordings, cards, and other mementoes! They're precious.