my husband left me

[turney31]

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I think what she was trying to say is she is worried on one hand and happy on the other that she may take him back. Someone once said to me, actually it was the XBF, "Proceed with caution, but go for it " !!

Alot of us have been in her shoes and know that even taking them back and forgiving sometimes isn't enough. The chances of it working are either 0 % or 100%. Either they make it or they don't !! You won't know unless you try. And that is her choice to make. I think alot of us would just like to spare her from more heartache but only time will tell. In the end it will all work out one way or another but there will be peaks and valleys along w
I think you are reading more into it then you need to. JMHO

Well said frenchtoast! I type with one finger, and try to say things the shortest way possible. As far as hornytoad being angry, I gave my opinion, I think the original poster asked for it.

As far as your question hornytoad, I am a sister in experience. I love my BYC neighbors, even you!

 

[misterhandsome]

Thanks, gang! I appreciate and respect all of your opinions and insights. I'm torn in so many emotional directions, as you can well imagine.....insecurity, fear, anger, patience, hope, love, sorrow. Each of these has an action associated with it (contact him, run away, start divorce proceedings, cry my eyes out, and so on) and I have to hold the reins steady to keep my sanity through all of it. It's tough.

We're talking, but we're nowhere near reconciling at this point. I have all the concerns you folks have mentioned....to put it simply, can I trust him to not hurt me this way again?

He's keeping in touch via email and coming over next week to start framing and insulating the basement. I don't know if that's a good idea on one level, but on another level it MUST be done ($2000+ propane bill last winter!) and I can't afford to pay someone to do it. One of my biggest faults is my inability to ask people for help. In my mind I know they want to help me, but on some deeper, darker level I don't believe anybody ever would, like maybe I don't deserve it. I think I have become strong and independent because I have always felt invisible. And I am strong in many ways, but very fragile emotionally. This is a side of me very few people know about and most would be surprised about. I'm sticking my neck out by saying it here.

On a more fun note, I think my Polish is going to lay her first egg today!!!!

She's been running around all morning like a chicken with her head cut off (sorry, couldn't resist!) in and out of the coop, and is now sitting quietly in a corner. I'll train her on the nesting box once she's over the trauma of this new freaky thing that's happening to her body.

 

[zzGypsy]

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no you cannot. at least not yet. guard your heart a while longer, and see how trustworthy he is on smaller things, then larger things, safer things then more risky things. if he steps up to the plate, trust accordingly. it's a process, and new skills for him, and for you.
and along the way, he's going to be learning if he can trust you not to make him feel useless and powerless... to make him feel needed and like a man. you'll have to step up to the plate too.

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that would describe my experience exactly, precisely, to a word. invisible, as if I did not exist. better to be independent and strong. that way, people don't abuse you, or at least, if they don't notice you it doesn't matter, because you're independent.
and always safer to be the one providing help than the one receiving it, eh? yep.

you are going to have to learn to trust, but it takes time, and there's fear because the cost of placing your trust incorrctly seems very very high. hard to know who, when, and how much, especially since my guess is you, like me, have had little experience in choosing, simply because we've never done this. hard to be wise when you have no experience. pick small stuff, and try it. make a plan to learn... that you know how to do.

asking for help requires both trust and the willingness to be vulnerable (what if they say no? what if they find out we don't have it ALL handled?) in a way, since we've built ourselves around independence, asking for help is almost shameful, needing help is embarasing and makes us feel small and out of control. it gets complicated and tangled up.

my guess is you've helped lots of others. some of those will be people who are only ever able to be on the receiving side of help. some of them will be people with strength and generosity and the capacity to help you, and who would be delighted to do so because you have helped them. figure out who's who and ask the right ones. you'll be amazed. you'll cry because it speaks to old wounds. you'll feel stupid for needing to ask. you'll find it opens a door in those relationships because they now begin to work in new ways - where you help each other instead of just you helping them.

trust me, these things do get easier with practice.

ok, enough from me. if any of this fits, and you want to chat with someone who's been there, and still has stuff to learn on the subject, you can find me on IM or email.

 

[sfw2]

 

[chickened]

You know this man better than any of us but as a general rule if he shows remorse and a willingness to talk and do things with you you will know, but it will take time. Make him earn whatever he lost from you that will tell if he is serious about staying together, words can be cheap but actions say alot especially if it is something he does not like to do but does it for you.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

One of my biggest faults is my inability to ask people for help. In my mind I know they want to help me, but on some deeper, darker level I don't believe anybody ever would, like maybe I don't deserve it. I think I have become strong and independent because I have always felt invisible. And I am strong in many ways, but very fragile emotionally. This is a side of me very few people know about and most would be surprised about. I'm sticking my neck out by saying it here.

What you describe here is not an uncommon thing, and you may find therapy can help you a great deal with that and other possible issues that tie into that. Might not be a bad idea any way, especially with all that has happened. I'd be especially careful of, if you feel like you do not deserve something like a respectful partner, to deal with that before trying to rebuild this relationship. And I'd be very mindful, and make sure your husband knows this too, that it takes two to do that. Best of luck with whatever you decide.​

 

[the Pollo Loco]

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He will hurt you again... if he gets the urge again... Is this man accountable to anyone you trust?

 

[misterhandsome]

Well, folks, looks like it's done. He has been contacting me a couple of times a week, just to talk, keep in touch. Was here today to work on insulating the basement. We got to talking, and it turns out he's been lying to me about the co-worker. He has been telling me it lasted a week but it continues today. In fact, he said "I can't really be seeing her if I'm trying to figure out if I want to come back." Talk about giving me false hope. He even lied to me today until I said "this is the time to be honest," and he spilled the beans. The person I married didn't want to have a child, yet he says he's willing to take hers on "if they last".

The affair I could have gotten past, but not the lying. Lying to someone is a hurt of a different magnitude. It comes from a place of disrespect and thinking someone is a fool.

So we talked, or really I talked, asked questions. He admitted that he's put up walls, doesn't have the knowledge or courage to take them down or the willingness to try to find out how, and ultimately said he wouldn't try to in the safety of our home because I'll never change. He says I never told him he has a nice butt (How's that for cause of divorce!!!), but I absolutely have. He just refused to hear my compliments. Somehow his issues and bad choices are my fault. He is walking away from our marriage, our home, everything we've built together, for a relationship that might not (probably won't) last, bankruptcy and future insecurity. All because he's afraid (unwilling) to do the work on our marriage. I cannot understand any of it.

I am absolutely gutted, my heart feels like it's been ripped from my chest and I am going to miss his wonderful, kind and generous family dearly. But now I have closure.

Today I went to the feed store to find a new home for my 15 meat birds, 6 layers, 2 pullets and rooster. I broke down sobbing as I asked. They think they have someone. They're free to a good home. I have to simplify my life, but it's a deeper hit to have to do this.

He has torn so much from me.

Friends, thank you so much for being here for me. Kindness makes the world a better place.

 

[Elite Silkies]

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I'm so sorry to hear that it has taken a turn for the worse. Wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but at least I can give you a

 

[debilorrah]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this all over again. You certainly have my sympathy as one who has been there done that.

PS: Having an affair IS lying....