Random Griping About My Evil Monster-In-Law... Long Post, Sorry!

[AHappychick]

She MUST be related to my MIL. I know exactly what you are going through the only difference is that now that my DH has passed away she sues me and our son and can only talk to me through lawyers. But she is EVIL as well, She did just about everything yours is doing. When AJ and I decided to start a family and I got preggers he did not even want to tell them, but finally had to when people were congratulating her (she did not know why)and I was over 5 months along (we lived in the same town!) He also did not tell them about the house we were buying because last time he did they ruined the sale on purpose.

They are called Toxic people and unfortunately you are some what stuck with her. I say get a few nanny cams and digital voice recorders and let her visit. secretly tape everything she says and does and then watch it and then if need be show it to hubby. If you can get her on film doing these things or saying mean things to the kids when you are not in the room you can then lay down the law about her not coming to your home again.

So soirry.

 

[MandyH]

Sounds to me like hubby should have put his foot down a LONG time ago and most of this mess wouldn't even be a problem now.

 

[PineappleMama]

You saw Hush right?

My Gran told some doozy stories about my BioGrandDad's Mother... some REAL doozies... but even hers never came close to this. Heck, even Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond isn't THAT sick.

What I don't get is why it too 11 years for your DH to finally get it? Did it not worry him in the least that getting caught with just one of those bikini photos could land him in HUGE trouble? Why would any mom try to have her son labeled as a pedophile? And yes, 'dating' HS girls will get you registered in the Sex Offender Database FOR LIFE.

That woman is clearly insane... and you need to take steps to protect yourself and your kids. If you haven't already started, start documenting everything... every person she's lied to, any notes, any photos... sounds like she's been pretty careful not to leave a trail, but do what you can. So much of her behavior sounds like what people say about the boyfriend after the girlfriend is found beaten... it's just not worth the risk.

 

[anbhean]

Thanks everyone, I really found all your advice helpful!

Pretty much, to answer as many questions as I can...

Yes, I have put up with it too long, but no it was not without MUCH discussion and debate with my DH. Unfortunately, the level of brainwashing my MIL had done to him over the years was, and to a lesser degree, remains intense. Let's just put it this way, when we first started dating she had told him he was REQUIRED to clear many "intimate happenings" with her (post happening) and he thought that was perfectly normal. He thought everyone did that. I literally had to pitch a fit that only dogs could hear to get him to realize how jacked up that was and that it wasn't ok! It's taken 13 years of being together to break about 90% of the mental damage she had done to him in her 19 years with him.

As far as her marriage goes, surprisingly she is married, and has been to my FIL(who I actually like and get along fine with) for 35 years. But they hate each other, torment each other and haven't spoken more than a few words a day to each other (unless fighting) in years. In fact, every time we are forced to be around my MIL, other than passively aggressively attacking me, she is constantly talking about murdering him (not kidding, the words "I want to shoot him in the face until he is dead" has come out of her mouth) or what fun things she will do when he is dead.

Like other people have posted, my MIL is also a master of making sure she rags on me when my husband is not around, so it's been easy for him to believe I am over-exaggerating when I tell him what happens. And of course, when he asks her about it she flat out lies and says she didn't do it. I like the recorder idea and will use it in the future!

My DH does try to stand up to her, and has set some limits since the deal where we almost divorced (seven years ago). But she is always traipsing right across the boundaries and he says it's easier to ignore her than deal with her wrath. Which is, excuse the pun, chicken $#!%-- and he knows it and I know it, but it's how both he and his dad have dealt with her craziness for their whole lives. When I tell him that's not ok he tells me I need to drop it because she lives 4 hours away and it's not like I have to deal with it daily. And he's right. Out of a year, I only have to deal with her baloney about 3 months total. But it's her level of mental instability that worries me, she's getting nuttier and nuttier as time goes on and she has a much looser grasp on reality lately than she did six, or seven years ago. Ignoring her may have been easy six years ago, but now it's dangerous. We're talking about a woman that actually kidnapped a class of preschoolers from the daycare she was substituting at and took them home to play in her front yard during a lightening storm because she didn't want to miss Oprah! This is a woman who has NO boundaries if she wants something. I don't even know how she avoided jail over that one. Really scary part about that story? One of the threats she has made for years (which my husband is just NOW telling me about) is filing for custody for my kids, or flat out kidnapping them!

Yet my husband doesn't see that she is a threat to our family!?!?!

As for divorce, I'm not saying I wouldn't. I am saying that it is literally a last resort for me for many reasons:
1. I personally feel that divorce is not something one should just do, unless every option has failed.
2. My husband is a good husband 90% of the time. He loves me, he loves his kids. He has a bad mom-- but that's hardly his fault. It is his fault he's let it get this far, as much as it is mine for not having a final stand sooner. But I am not comfortable walking out on him when I've made the same mistake he has. I agree, he needs to grow a pair and confront her about turning the entire thing on me and I plan on telling him just that. But walking out at almost six months pregnant with two little kids and no where to go... not gonna happen unless absolutely need be.
3. If we divorce the first thing my husband would do would be to move back to his hometown. Which means even if custody goes my way-- he'd still be raising my kids with that nut job mother of his 30% of the time. NO WAY! I can keep her toxicity at bay with constant supervision, I cannot protect my kids if she is with them, without me there. The thought of her getting her hands on my kids for even two weekends a month is just not an option.

I agree with everyone who has posted here though, she's toxic and a danger to my kids and it's up to me to say "no more". So I will. It's going to be a nightmare, but I'm willing to weather the storm for my kid's sake. My husband will just have to figure it out or not I guess. I hope he does and honestly... I think he will. I truly believe he wants to buck her influence out of his life, but has been so totally immersed in her constant guilt and mental abuse for so long he doesn't know how to do it.

Wish me luck and thanks for all the good advice!

 

[michickenwrangler]

I might even seek FIL as a potential ally, try to suggest to HIM that she needs help. From what you have described, she sounds sociopathic.

 

[Brindlebtch]

Best of luck! Kick butt and take names! She got this bad because nobody was willing to go through the craziness to make it stop. Good for you!

She sounds truly awful.

 

[Wifezilla]

it's her level of mental instability that worries me, she's getting nuttier and nuttier as time goes on

One of the threats she has made for years (which my husband is just NOW telling me about) is filing for custody for my kids, or flat out kidnapping them!

That's what I worry about. How long until she calls social services on some made up charge and tries to totally ruin your life? She WILL escalate things. Get that tape recorder NOW!​

 

[squeakyballs]

This makes me feel better about my MIL! The worst she has done is kick us out of the family for a year because we didn't circumcise our son. She threatened the family if they talked to us. Even my husband's grandmother was terrified the few times she was sneaky and saw us.

But, seriously get it all on tape ASAP because, like others have said, she will take it to the next level.

 

[EweSheep]

Yes tape recorder is necessary right now!

And do what one said in here, set boundaries and dont let her come to your house! Too much at risk!

 

[redhen]

YOU need to set boundries now..
NO house visits from her... if hubby wants to see her..he goes there. WITHOUT the kids!!
IF she wants to talk to the kids on the phone...SPEAKER phone only with YOU supervising...
If she says ANYTHING out of line..you hang up IMMEDIATLY... no questions asked...
If she pitches a fit because you hung up.. tell her the NEW rules....THATS IT... THATS HOW IT IS GOING TO BE... PERIOD.
But..YOU need to stay firm... if you allow it to continue..well then... .. I think you know the rest..
Good luck! Personally, i'd just SSS...