*Sigh* Week old baby and possibly a divorce. *Warning: RANT!!!*

[kees]

How was your day?

One thing to bear in mind is that the relationship that you have with your husband is like the two sides of a scale; when one side changes, the other side must change by necessity. People generally don't like change and resist it.

Please bear in mind that if the two of you separate, for whatever reason, not to be surprised if a not so pretty side of your husband is directed at you. Look at how he treats other people in his life, and know that, if he becomes angry enough, he will treat you just the same.

Hugs,

Suzy

 

[selinagil]

I agree with Lisahaschickens. My husband -whom I carefully selected--has always helped me cook, clean and now helps with our baby girl. I don't think women should settle with men that are not willing to help. I work a 40 hour week job doing exactly the same work my spouse does, so why should I do more? Because I'm a woman, I think not---also as for "children being hard on a marriage" unless you decieved your husband to get pregnant (which I seriously doubt you did) then he knew what he was in for so he should pull his weight. Children are a joy to be shared as a couple, but some men are not ready for them ever. All I can say is I'm sorry I really hope he comes to his senses but if he doesn't then don't settle and make yourself miserable.

 

[PotterWatch]

I don't think anyone really knows what they are in for before they have kids. I'm not saying that both parents shouldn't pitch in and pull their weight, just that taking care of a child isn't something you can really comprehend until you are in the middle of it.

Some children make it very hard to see them as a joy that should be shared

. I have one like that. Until he was almost 4, he cried and screamed all the time. He wouldn't go to my husband, he didn't sleep through the night, he was just a very unhappy kid. It was very difficult on my marriage because I had the majority of the burden of caring for him and there really wasn't much my husband could do. Because he wasn't doing much of the care and was able to sleep more, it was hard for him to understand what I was going through in having to do 90% of it. It turned out that my son had a medical condition that caused him to be such a monster (really, he was awful!). He had surgery that corrected most of the problem and life has gotten much, much better. There really was nothing that could have prepared us for having a child like that, not even having had a child before.


*edited for spelling

 

[Cetawin]

Hang in there. You are in a tough emotional place just having given birth...not to mention a 16 month at home, housework, cooking and etc etc...it is a strain on any couple.

Try not to separate...it is so hard to go back. Maybe some counseling for both of you individually, then as a couple. Parents maybe taking the baby for a night...you and hubby need some alone time to talk and re-connect.

I do understand how you feel. I went through a siilar experience when I was 20..newborn, DH who was a cave man mentally, working full-time and going to college. It get crazy. Just take a deep breath and know this... a baby will not die from crying for a few minutes. If you need to, leave baby safe in crib, let him/her cry and walk outside. Take a deep breath and count to 10 or 20...pull yourself together and go back inside and deal with it as you can.

The game system may need to disappear for awhile...babies crying for a while and he might understand what it is like. And you know what? He is capable of washing a dish, turning on a washing machine, wiping a nasty backside or some other chore while yo are doing something else. he will have to learn to deal with it. But that is me.

 

[Sock Puppet]

Anyone that has any type of relationship be it spouse, kids, etc should really read this book...

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

It truly helped my marriage and is helping with my kids.

We all have a love language (something that makes us feel loved) Mine is Quality time (when my husband spends time with me I feel loved). My husbands is Service. (If I clean house, do the laundry, etc it makes him feel loved.)

My children each has their own, one is quality time, another is service and words of affirmation, another is touch and gifts (ex. hugs and little gifts like letters etc.).

We show what makes us feel loved, we do it naturally. Sometimes we dont show what our spouse needs, because it is different than our own love language.

It really helps when both spouses read the book, but if not at least one of you should.

 

[HennysMom]

I'm sorry you've had to endure this in your marriage and with your children.

You dont say how old you or your hubby are or how long you've been together before you had your first child, but that really doesnt matter - they are here and you both have a family to support and commit to.

I dont agree with staying married "for the sake of the kids" - that never works and the kids end up worse in the end. I also dont believe in one person doing more in a marriage than the other - and there is NO SUCH THING as "woman's work"

- ever. Reading through alot of these replies has made me appreciate my DH 10,000 more than I already DID. Our marriage isnt perfect (no ones is) but - I can tell you its pretty darn close in my book, or I should say "expectation". Its 50/50 here and while sometimes one of us will do more than the other on occassion and it may come into play and be 60/40 (I may not feel like cleaning the house at all one day and DH might; he tells me "sit down, I'll get it, you relax" - so therein is the 60/40 scenario) - it always has a way of turning around and leveling out - because its give and take and I'll do the same with him. I may not work on the cars, but may cut the grass - is that "man's work"?

He may not wash the clothes, but he may do the dishes - is that "woman's work"?

NOPE. We both are in this marriage, we both wanted children, we both wanted the house, yard, cars, etc - so we both have to take on those responsibilies the same. Its the only way it will work.

My father was the exact same way and if anyone ever said to him "thats woman's work" let me tell you - as a Marine he would have dressed you up one side and down the other for berating a woman or a man in that fashion - and probably slapped someone! LOL

I draw the line at hubby Ironing though -

he just doesnt do that very well, but hey - at least he tries

.

You need to re-evaluate your entire situation dear - just like Writer of Words wrote (great advice btw) - if you've already been through this and "worked it out" with the first child - why on earth would you be doing this again if it was "worked out" already? Because it wasnt, it was just sat on the back burner on warm while other things took precidence. Now if you're both really committed and love each other (not just the idea of marriage and the thought of love or being in love with someone) - then that is what you have to go on and work for. Marriage is hard work and when you bring children into the world in that marriage - it changes the entire dynamic - its no longer "You and I" or "me" - its now all about those kids first and foremost.

Big decisions to make - and there are counselors out there to help you. If your husband wont go - then YOU GO so that you can find some answers for yourself. Only you can make you happy - no one else can do that for you.

 

[Wifezilla]

If it were me, I would quit my job and stay home with the kids. Bills be darn.

 

[lisahaschickens]

HennysMom -

I couldn't agree more! You put it wonderfully!

~Lisa

 

[WalkingWolf]

Just a small tid bit of advice, take all internet advice and throw it in the trash and seek professional help.

 

[Bettacreek]

Well, things have improved. Time will tell if it's a permanent change or temporary. Last night we sent the boys to MIL's place and FINALLY spent some time together. That's the first time we did anything with just the two of us in probably a year. It was weird, not having any responsibilities, but it was a LOT of fun, and we got to sit down and actually talk without having to stop conversation to do something for one of the kids. I'm thinking that we might have to find a sitter and spend quality time together more often, probably be a big help with our marriage to actually see each other as husband/wife instead of mom/dad all of the time.

As far as the chores and such go, I'm a firm believer in women being equal to men. Women can take garbage out, shovel the walk, change the oil in their cars, pump gas, etc, etc just as easily as men. Men can change diapers, wash dishes, vacuum, cook, etc just as easily as women. Hubby CAN do all of these things, some things he does better than me. Let me tell you, that man can cook. I won't let him vacuum though, our vacuum is a piece of junk $40 piece of equipment, and it gets clogged over the stupidest things, and with a long hair cat running around, it's not pretty.