*Sigh* Week old baby and possibly a divorce. *Warning: RANT!!!*

[Wifezilla]

Don't go back to work and take care of the house. You are stuck doing all the household stuff anyway, so make that your job.

Divorced with small kids means your children will be raised by daycare. They will never see you, will not see their dad, and it WILL come back to bite both of you when they hit teenaged years.

At this point, it isn't about you, it isn't about your husband (jerk or not), it is about what is best for the children.

 

[HennysMom]

Quote:
My goodness, you two have alot going on. There are a few things I see wrong in all of this - but again, its just my opinion and experience in being married for 20 years, getting married young (19 and he was 24) and so you can take it for what its worth or not take it at all

.

First, I dont agree with staying married for the kids sake - thats wrong. Kids are young now but.. kids are not stupid by any means and will resent growing up in a home where they will know mom and dad resent one another, it will (and does) show and affect them in the long run. If you're not happy, then you must do something about it; either counseling together or separately - but you never stay together for the sake of a child. Never use your kids as weapons either, thats very wrong (not saying you are..but just entering that tid-bit into play).

You're saying above that hubby is helping out but not enough to your liking. Honey -you have to take it for what it is - he's helping out MORE than what he was right? So.. give him credit where credit is due. Also - you cannot and should not bring up the past - if you want to break him, bring up what he didnt do in the past when he's trying to do right now. You have to give him time to adjust and grow - you cant expect a baby to learn to walk before they learn to crawl right? PRAISE him for what he IS doing to help you - dont beat him down that he still isnt doing enough or up to your high standards yet. He may never be there and you will either have to accept that fact or move forward with your life.

You say you love your husband and then in the next breath say you want to move out but need his money in order for YOU to be sucessful and have financial stability in order to leave him.

Again, you cant have it both ways here. Either you need to accept responsibility for your own actions and 1. leave and make it on your own since according to you DH is so irresponsible, childish, and not wanting to be a parent or a husband - women do it all the time and do it sucessfully. Is it hard? YES..but is it doable? Absolutely. Or #2. You learn to work together and stop and think, realize that marriage is never 50/50 100% of the time and allow DH time to adjust to your demands - because, you are sounding quite demanding at this point, you want him to change now vs. acknowledging what he has done in his attempts - quit nitpicking and praise him. I guarentee you'll see a difference.

Working - did you have kids and want to stay home with them or did you have kids with the full acknowledgement that you were intending to go back to work? It sounds like you resent being home with your kids (i.e., quote: "It's pretty sad when you work at a job dealing with rude people all day, but you enjoy it simply because you get to get out....") It sounds to me like you need some time away from being Mommy full time, once in a while as was discussed before - however - if you chose to stay home and be a full time Mom, then that is your job, your kids and the house become your responsibilty for the most part. Can DH help out? OF COURSE - they are his kids as well and his house, but.. if he's out there working full time and you get the luxury of staying at home (because it IS a luxury to stay at home with your children these days) then it becomes your responsibility to tend to those children and the home for the most part. Again, can DH help out? ABSOLUTELY 100% he can - but you cant expect him to do everything you want him to do and work too. Now, if you go back to work full time, then thats a different story; then you both are responsible for those kids and the house and - its not about who earns more money- a marriage is about combining things - its no longer "yours and mine" its now "OURS". If neither of you can get past that factor, then again, counseling should be in order or you both need to look seriously at your relationship in a very earnest manner and redefine what it is, taking a very close look at everything.

I wish you both all the best sweetie but I think you really need to sit down and evaluate everything with a microscope - even yourself, as hard as that may be to do; from an outside perspective looking in.

If you want your marriage to work, it will work - but it will be hard work...and sometimes it will be all you giving..and other times it will be him giving - and sometimes, neither of you will want to give - and that is when you must be willing to say "hey, I'm sorry..."

and more

 

[jonathansenn]

Have you thought about hiring someone to clean your house? I ask this because my wife complained that she never had time to help clean the house. So when I got tired of doing it all myself, I hired someone to do it for me. She didn't like some other woman cleaning her house nor did she like having to pay for it. It lasted about two months then we established a regular house cleaning routine with the two boys. For me it was a win/win situation. I didn't have to clean the house for two months and when we finally got on the same page, I got the help I needed without having to pay for it!

She has also used this on me by the way. I now fix problems with the car and the house quickly. Let's just say mechanics and plumbers get paid well for their services

I know this is just a symptom of the larger problem but my philosophy is if there is a fight coming, it's better to pick it now before it gets too big.

Good luck, still praying

 

[sangel4you]

Quote:
I have to say that first line is important, but NOT because you should stay with your husband for the kids...because if you are as truely as unhappy as you make it sound...then by all means they are going to sufer just as much. I just went through all of this myself. And I did actually get back together with my husband but it's still VERY much a work in pregress. I also got married young after un unexpected baby and I know in my heart to this day I only married my husband because I felt pressured by his family to marry him b/c of our son. we've been married 5 years now and I am still not "in love" with him the way a married couple should be. I've learned that I settled. I did find the man of my dreams, a man I really do LOVE for him, not because of a child...and sadly, I made myself let him go. I think about him everyday, but I decided I can't give up on my family without giving it one more shot of my FULL effort. And I have to say...things are a bit better. I find myself marveling at how happy simple things can make me and I don't need that over the top fairy tale love, even if it does feel better. Hey...I'm trying...that's all I've got. But I also separated from my husband during that time because I did want a divorce. And everyone threw the whole you can't do it because of your child thing in my face...
let me tell you something. I grew up with two parents who bitterly despised eachother as long as I can remember...and are still married 25 years later, because it's easier to stay married and "co-habitate" then to split up. When we were young they stayed together for us kids, and we knew that...but the fights and the stress, and the tenseness in the air 90% of the time...made it not worth it. We WISHED they would get divorced so we wouldnt have to walk around on eggshells wondering who we were going to piss off because they were already ticked off at eachother. And to this day (I think because my dad was always the one nipicking fights about dumb things, etc) even though I am more like my dad than my Mom... I completely despise the man. I hate him for making my childhood nothing but sad or lonely memories. I hate him for the way he treated my mom and us sometimes (there was no abuse or anything...it was just emotionally isolating) and I hate the way he is such a big baby and makes her feel bad for him when he doesn't get his way even if it's what she was against. She's just as guilty as him tho I guess for being suckered in to feeling like she has no choice (she's 12 years younger than him) and now she even defends him against us kids making it like it isn't his fault they don't get along. Because of all of that, I threw out the whole staying married for the kids idea long ago. I believe it will be hard on kids yes, but they're resislant and if they see you eventually each end up happier in the long run, that's what they will really remember and as much as you may not believe it...that's all they want.

sorry for the long wind

 

[Wifezilla]

I know what you guys are saying, but there is a big difference between staying together for the sake of the kids and putting the kids first.

My suggestion is put the kids' needs first.

 

[Boyd]

Quote:
I did the same thing!!!!!! And it lasted just as long!!! Sometimes I was there when the housekeeper came, sometimes not. The wife found fault with everything, and asked me if with more help from her and the kids could we do without? Sure. It was after we split up the chores that I told her that our former beautiful 22 year old housekeeper liked girls.... boy was she red in the face

 

[Bettacreek]

*Chuckle* In order for the whole housekeeping thing to work, I'd have to get a dude, and what dude is going to do housekeeping? Hubby honestly wouldn't care about paying someone else to come in, unless if it was a dude, because it would be the whole "he's doing your job" type of thing. It wouldn't matter to him if a woman came in, because he would see it as me not doing it right, so I had another woman "take my place", and it wouldn't matter to him. Lol. Would be nice to have someone to help do it though, woman or not. Would be nice to just have a day that I don't have to scrub the floor, vacuum, or whatever. I would have to be here though, I'm weird about trusting other people, even if I knew them, to be in my house alone. I mean, I'd trust my mother and sister, but, there's no way they'd come over, lol.

Henny, thank you.

I guess if I was already wondering if I was pushing it, then that should have been a dead give away, but it helps to hear it from someone else as well.

No, I don't hate spending time with the kids, it's just that when you have no social life (this here is it, literally), then you can't even go to work to get out, so you're literally stuck at home all day (besides taking hubby to and from work, or grocery shopping with the hubby and kids) for weeks on end (did it with our first) and half of the time, you can't even take the kids outside, ugh... I grew up in the mountains, tracking deer, watching wild animals, making teepees, etc. I'm just not cut out for living in town with a scroungy barely there FRONT yard (on a major road) with neighbors that live in the same building and let their dogs crap in what little of a yard you have... The park here is nice, but you can only go on certain days when it's nice out, then you have to watch so that it's not full with some kind of big get-together, or wedding or whatever. There aren't things around here for little kids/families. I mean, as he gets a little older, it's a little easier. Like, this summer, I will be able to take him swimming at the lake (though it's 45 minutes away, boo). It'd be easier if hubby would come with, otherwise, I have to find a sitter, because I can't take the one out to the lake and watch the infant, and I'm not taking the little one in the lake with us, lol.

I guess what I'm saying is that people do need to have a day to themselves every few months or so, just so that they really appreciate what they have at home. If you go to work, you can come home and the kids (well, in my case, one of them, lol) stop what they're doing to come running to you. When you're at home, they get sick of you, and don't care that you're around anymore, because you're ALWAYS there, and they just want to get away from you.

I guess I'm just a very needy person.

At least I can talk through it here and have other people point things out to me, or figure it out myself. Guess you can't change something if you don't even see it yourself.

 

[Wifezilla]

If "home" is your "full time job" you still get time off...LOL

I would give hubby plenty of advance notice when I was going out with the girls or spending some ME time driving in the mountains taking pictures.

Of course, my husband was a "house husband" for a few years, so he never took me for granted. He KNOWS how hard it can be being the one holding down the fort.

 

[Boyd]

Amen!!!!!! That's what I've been doing since Jan, holding down the fort. Michigan's job market sucks at the moment, so a role reversal was in order. I now do most of the cooking, cleaning and laundry.... oh yeah and all the running that a houseful of kids need!

 

[patandchickens]

Wow, a LOT of your original post and details filled in later sounds EXACTLY like my life

(Only there were some other issues here, in addition).

I came <measures with fingers> THIS CLOSE to walking out with the kids; not too far from other things either.

With a little more perspective (kids are now almost-5 and 2-next-month), I would suggest three things, although I know that if someone'd said them to *me* I would have had an awfully hard time believing them:

1) having a week old baby is not a time to be making any kind of important decisions whatsoever. Nobody -- not you, and not even your husband -- is behaving anything LIKE as rationally as they are certain they are. Honest. When the baby turns 1, *then* you may be in a better position to look at things in straight-out and make lifechanging choices.

2) you can, you really can, grit your teeth and hang in there for a lot longer than it feels like you can. "Take one day at a time" and "just keep putting one foot in front of the other" are not platitudes, they are tactics that actually do work.

3) men change very slowly, much more slowly than <female rant "on"> THEY HAVE ANY EXPLETIVE-DELETED EXUSE FOR </rant >. But first gear is usually the only gear they *have*, so however pitiful and unjustifiable it may seem to reasonable people such as you and I, you have to just accept it. Even in first gear, though, a surprising amount of change does start to accumulate after a few years. For the interim, see #2 above

Good luck, hang in there, your husband does not sound like half so much of an <expletive-deleted> as mine and you know what, mine is a LOT (a lot) more helpful and understanding and pleasant to be around now. Still very aggravating much of the time, of course, but not like divorce territory, just your basic 'no two people are alike' kind of thing.

Big hug,

Pat