Some Short Ones.

[Col1948]

My teacher said I've never be any good at poetry due to my dyslexia.
I've showed him - today I made two jugs and a vase.

 

[oldrooster]

I'm a poet but don't know it, my feet are long fellows....

 

[Col1948]

I always keep an empty milk bottle in my fridge... Just in case someone wants a black coffee.

Couldn't find a ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning, so I improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet.
I could only get 5% off.

 

[oldrooster]

I always keep an empty milk bottle in my fridge... Just in case someone wants a black coffee.

Couldn't find a ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning, so I improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet.
I could only get 5% off.

try politicians' speeches on tape or cd with all that hot air surely you would have a nice warm car in no time...

 

[Col1948]

I was stopped by one of those survey women today, she asked, 'If I could meet someone dead or alive, who would it be?'
I replied, "Someone alive."

 

[Col1948]

My neighbour has joined alcoholics anonymous, he still drinks but uses another name.

 

[oldrooster]

I was stopped by one of those survey women today, she asked, 'If I could meet someone dead or alive, who would it be?'I replied, "Someone alive."

no zombies for you?

Not a joke but funny I went to college to be an accountant and people asked me why and I replied have you not heard the quote there are 2 certainties in life death and taxes? I figured it's either this or mortuary science. I get all sorts of moans over that. because they don't want to hear about working with dead people. some people said health care and I jokingly said if they did "cure" death within a few months all diseases would dry up and therefore all that would be left is taxes. lol

 

[Col1948]

I've got a job interview tomorrow to become a parcel delivery driver.

To show them that I'll fit in well, I'm going to turn up anytime I like between 7am and 7pm.

 

[Col1948]

A Manchester woman has what she claims to be the World's largest bed sheet.
More to this as the story unfolds.

 

[Col1948]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ....."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died....... I'm married to his bloody widow."