SOOOOOO stinkin mad at my daughter I could spit nails!

[Buff Hooligans]

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Debi, your two honest boys are the best reason to give her the consequences of her rotten decisions. They need to know very much that they did the RIGHT thing and you want them to be really happy that they did. Bless them!

 

[phaethona]

you all have addressed the living situation quite well so far, I don't know what I would do if it were my girls and they're a lot younger.

about the drug test, it sounds to me like she's playing with it moreso than actually having a drug "problem". she hasn't delved into it long enough to learn that it's actually very simple to foil a UA(without using someone else's), most kids figure that one out within a few weeks. I'm not saying that makes it ok, but if it's experimental, it's easier to undo than for someone who is full blown dependent.
Just trying to be optimistic here.

I have a few ideas in my pocket in case my kids ever decide to experiment(and oh lord help them if they do)

 

[PineappleMama]

Oh that's just TACKY... bad enough to be a mooch, but a druggie mooch is the WORST.

Site BIL and Sis on that one... I'm right there with you on the

For You... if nothing else to keep you from strangling her.

 

[Buugette]

One thing you could do is insist she take a home drug test... you can get them at the local drug stores. Depending upon the results, you could decide what you want to do. If she is doing drugs, maybe she could do rehab or something to help her get off them.

If she is just plain lazy and she wants to float through life, toss her butt out in the tent. I LOVE that idea. Be sure to change the locks though, or she will be in as soon as you are out. Charge her for showers, phone use, food, clean clothing, etc, let her have a few cold nights outside alone... and she will be begging to come back home and get a job. Make sure all your friends and family know NOT to take her in.

If she is on drugs, won't do rehab, etc... keep in mind that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. We learned that the hard way with my brother. 20 years and thousands of dollars later... jail time etc... he is now in a better place and finally at peace. As hard as it was on my father, it was just as much of a relief for him.

 

[3goodeggs]

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Debi, your two honest boys are the best reason to give her the consequences of her rotten decisions. They need to know very much that they did the RIGHT thing and you want them to be really happy that they did. Bless them!

as usual miss hooligans is so succinctly on the money.

It stinks being the hard working kid, the kid with good grades, the kid that DESERVES the helping hand when needed-not asked for-, just to watch the losers get all the help.

Why, yes, I am bitter. How can you tell?

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

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That was the first thing that popped out at me too.

Me, too, but she was given notice. Problem is it was almost a year ago. At this point I would not kick her out immediately, but rather give her a VERY short timeframe to comply with the original directive or find elsewhere to live. Something like a week to 10 days. Absolutely no more than that.

IFF she will be sufficiently helpful around the house (essentially take over all housework and/or yardwork and or other tasks you need or want completed, you might choose to offer her the opportunity to remain at home longer, but make sure she knows that this is employment with specific job hours, and it needs to be a regular, full-time schedule such as 8-5 with lunch off or the equivalent. If she wants to vary her hours, she must request that ahead of time from you, and you have the right of refusal. For doing this, she would earn the priviledge of a roof over her head and food on her plate. Spending money? Well if she wants that, she needs to find a job that will pay in $.

 

[cmjust0]

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I was thinking the same thing.

At this point, does anyone even know what she's been using? It certainly could be something as "simple" as marijuana....but perhaps not. Some kids get kicked out of the house and turn things around, but some wind up becoming those people you see pushing around stolen grocery carts filled with all their earthly belongings.

 

[AngieChick]

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This is one possible solution. However, if you think that you will spend most of your free time having to harass her into actually doing the work, than I vote for the following:

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It would be uncomfortable enough to hopefully propel her into action but not so much that it would cause her to act out of desperation.

 

[australorpchick]

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I completely agree. My parents helped my sister out many, many times and as a result, she never really learned to be truly independent. They have financially bailed her out to the tune of tens of thousands. She's finally in a situation where she must learn, as my parents are no longer financially able to assist her, nor are they keen to the idea of remaining actively involved in her personal drama. I can only imagine how beneficial it would have been, had they stopped the enabling decades ago.

 

[EweSheep]

Hubby and I are one of those "tough love" kids and looking back, I had to say thank you to my parents for the ultra tough love and a deadline whether I sink or swim and live in my car. I had a FT job with benefits but figured living with my parents, paying board, etc. but they decided I was 29 years old, they were thinking, its time for me to spread my wings and learn. Well I threatened, bribed and more tantrums to live with my folks, it didn't work. They knew what I was doing.

As for hubby, he took advantage of it too and he was working however his father wants him to stay home but knows he needs to leave home, it send my hubby mixed messages 'Yes you can live here but you can not stay here" type of thing. When his father knew it was time, he gave hubby a deadline and hubby thought he was bluffing......NOT! After Xmas holidays, they showed him the door.

So both of us grew up and learned that independence is not all that bad when you have a job, any job! However hubby still has a thing toward his dad about "kicking him out of the house" but I reminded him, soooooo, it may have been the right decision for your Dad to kick your butt out when he thinks you are good and ready! And to grow up really fast! Fast forward many years, his Dad is still pining for him but knows that we now have a family of our own and he is very alone, very lonely (yes he still has his wife but she does not want to do aything with him, that's another story).

To me, tough love is the way to go. I've not been living with my parents over 14 years nor do I want to and I'm loving it! Thank you Mom and Dad to care for me by giving that tough love, and gaining independence and have a family of my own.