A word of advice: Don't do anyone a favor if you expect one in return

[Gen9]

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Great perspective - yeah I do think when gratitude is shown for your kind actions, it really does make it worth the trouble. Wish I could say this happened to me, or I wouldn't be venting to all of you

 

[Laurajean]

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Well, I have a few random thoughts here. I don't think it's necessarily "self absorbed" to forget something. I like to think of myself as very contentious and not very self absorbed, but I know I certainly DO forget things! For example, I was going to edit a letter for a fellow BYCer, and her postal union in Canada went on strike, so she said there was no hurry. Well, I completely forgot about it until she emailed me to ask how it was coming. I felt very bad, and admitted that it slipped my mind and edited the letter immediately. I'd hate to think that makes me self absorbed.

Also, I think it's odd to say she is a follower of Jesus, and therefore shouldn't forget. I suspect there's lots of forgetful followers of Jesus. I don't think forgetting something has much reflection on ones' religion. I sure hope people aren't basing my worth on whether I'm a follower of Jesus...

Anyway, I did not read the entire thread, so forgive me if I'm repeating this or if it's been said, but have you asked her for the $10? I know if that BYCer I edited the letter for never reminded me, but then ranted to others about how I forgot, that would seem a bit unfair. She may just need a reminder.

Also, this is a shot in the dark, because I didn't hear the actual conversation you had with her about the donation, but some people might take "make a donation" as "don't worry about it". Sometimes when I do favors, and someone says "What do I owe you?" I just say "Eh, come over and help me stack some wood sometime", or something to that affect. I don't actually hold them to it, nor do I get mad if they don't come stack wood. It's more my way of saying "No big deal, if you can help me sometime, great". She may have taken your suggestion of a donation the same way, just a thought.

 

[Gen9]

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Here's the problem; she IS very self absorbed... I was told later she only wanted a present for the birthday kid so the parents would feel obligated to get her kid something for his birthday. I don't think you should compare forgetting to edit someone's letter to that, not at all! It's not about money, it's about principle.

 

[Gen9]

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I'm just glad I didn't hold my breath

 

[Laurajean]

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Here's the problem; she IS very self absorbed... I was told later she only wanted a present for the birthday kid so the parents would feel obligated to get her kid something for his birthday. I don't think you should compare forgetting to edit someone's letter to that, not at all! It's not about money, it's about principle.

Well yeah, if you already know her to be self absorbed, I agree. I thought you were assuming this based on the fact that she may have forgotten to donate. I just didn't think forgetfulness = self absorbed, but I know what you are saying (and that's IF she forgot, as opposed to blowing it off of course). And I realize it's about principle not money. So have you reminded her about this? Because that seems like the logical thing to do before assuming anything. Then you can gauge her reaction better.

 

[Gen9]

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Yeah, I see where you're coming from. Ugh, it's just one of those things when you're looked in the eye, and given their word -- you know? ...and I wouldn't complain if I was shown gratitude at the least, I would have been satisfied with just that. I know what you mean, about checking her reaction, it's just awkward to have to remind someone...

Last year, after my son had all his surgeries, she had offered to do remediation therapy with him over the summer. I gave her a copy of his neuropsychologist's report and for her look at and come up with ideas. Nothing ever happened after that. A few weeks later she asked me how he was doing and I told her, even admitted that I needed help with him because I didn't really know what I was doing and she didn't offer any suggestions or techniques I could try. She just moved on to the next subject like I was talking about the weather or something. So now as far as I know, she has a piece of my son's medical record.

 

[pdsavage]

I just tell people sorry im broke.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

I come from a background where everything given has strings attached. I never felt that way about things, and was so grateful to meet my now husband. He is one of the most generous people I know, but he never does anything he is not willing to do. He never gives to receive.
That said, if I you discussed up front with a friend that you would pay ten dollars for something, and that it should be repaid in a certain way, and they agreed, then yes. I absolutely can see how that would be upsetting. I always pay back any money I borrow (in the last year, that was.....75 cents for some water), or return items I borrow, so even though I don't give to receive, neither my husband or I take money without returning it in some way as that is a sure way to upset people. It is very disrespectful I believe. That said, I am a very forgetful person, and I would appreciate a reminder from anyone I did owe money to. From your description, it sounds like the person in question was agreeing to pay in a way that she figured no one would check up on, but either way, it certainly wouldn't hurt to talk to her about it. If nothing else, you can get a better idea of what sort of person she is, and what sort of contact youw ant to have with her in the future.

 

[herfrds]

I really feel for you.

Here is something to think about.
I have been looking for a certain salad dressing for years, no longer available in the US, but it is in Canada.
A wonderful friend of mine up there bought me 6 bottles and shipped them to me, not asking for any money, but a "favor" for later.
She can call that favor in at anytime and you know whatever it is I would be glad to return the favor.

 

[Laurajean]

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What is this tasty salad dressing? Now I'm curious.