Getting married and looking for advice!

[Tesumph]

Never heard of this. Is this a religious thing if I may ask? You mentioned that you are Christian; is this something that you got taught through your religion or somewhere else?
It sounds like it makes sense in every relationship. I would like to know more of this. It sounds very logical en true.

Not religious at all! Just a very good psychology based test.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

I meant to take this with my husband months ago but totally forgot. Definitely doing it now.

 

[Redhead Rae]

Never heard of this. Is this a religious thing if I may ask? You mentioned that you are Christian; is this something that you got taught through your religion or somewhere else?
It sounds like it makes sense in every relationship. I would like to know more of this. It sounds very logical en true.

It is written by a Christian psychologist, so it is more popular in Christian circles, but the tools given are applicable to anyone and isn't written in a particularly religious way. They also have a version for parents.

 

[EggSighted4Life]

I understand what you mean about feeling weak in your faith. Usually, when things are good, it is hardest to remember to pray and seek guidance. And when things go wrong, you don't feel like you deserve his attention because of how wishy-washy you've been.

That's called building a relationship... learning to trust each other. Gaining the understanding of unconditional LOVE. When we meet someone, we don't automatically TRUST them. But after going through a few hard times and seeing they were there for you (sometimes in the background)... you start to KNOW who you friends are.

When times get hard and you don't FEEL like you love each other.. that's when COMMITMENT is important! NO one is trapped, it IS a choice. If you go in knowing you can walk away just makes it that much easier to not be faithful to yourself. Finding things aren't they way they were... in other words abuse is NOT acceptable. But taking the easy way out because you can't agree is weak. Marriages are a commitment. Don't put yourself in a situation where you "might fall in LOVE with someone else". That proves you don't know LOVE! Marriages can overcome many hardships, including infidelity. Sometimes even come out stronger on the other side.

Not ALL marriages were meant to last. Not ALL marriages were sanctioned by God. We do have free will. BUT... all things do work together for good for those who LOVE God and are called according to HIS purpose! I'm sure some failed marriages were key in creating certain people who will serve the Lord. Ultimately... even Satan serves the Lord and is used by Him!

Sometimes when I try to figure out why is this happening... (I resent the story of Job, not appreciate it at all, resent God's answer even)... and remember that some may be for my growth, but ultimately God will use me as an example to others. It may have nothing to do with me... After all this life is NOT about me... but God.

The language of Love mentioned is a good point... the I'm not touchy agreement may SEEM ok now... but he may realize down the road that it's more important than he first thought. Once you become intimate and aren't avoiding touch as a way of not being tempted... maybe you will enjoy it more?

One thing people get caught up on is 'is this the right person for me". Many fail to ask " AM I the right person for them?" You seem to have a good handle on your anxiety (thanks for the tips), I do too now (finally got it diagnosed correctly)... But that right there tell me YOU are bringing mental illness to the party. Since you are in a place of understanding and at peace with the condition plus being on the look out up front and still willing to grow... you will probably be fine in the long run and face a few challenges along the way when things flare up. You are off to a good start with a good heart! I wanna see a pic of the lovely couple.

For example, your fiance could be showing love by buying thoughtful gifts and making grand romantic gestures, but you resent the extra time he is putting in at work to pay for these things and would be happy if he made it home for dinner and a movie a couple nights a week and he assumes you are ungrateful when he is working so hard to show you how much he loves you.

So TRUE!

 

[Loopeend]

That's called building a relationship... learning to trust each other. Gaining the understanding of unconditional LOVE. When we meet someone, we don't automatically TRUST them. But after going through a few hard times and seeing they were there for you (sometimes in the background)... you start to KNOW who you friends are.

When times get hard and you don't FEEL like you love each other.. that's when COMMITMENT is important! NO one is trapped, it IS a choice. If you go in knowing you can walk away just makes it that much easier to not be faithful to yourself. Finding things aren't they way they were... in other words abuse is NOT acceptable. But taking the easy way out because you can't agree is weak. Marriages are a commitment. Don't put yourself in a situation where you "might fall in LOVE with someone else". That proves you don't know LOVE! Marriages can overcome many hardships, including infidelity. Sometimes even come out stronger on the other side.

Not ALL marriages were meant to last. Not ALL marriages were sanctioned by God. We do have free will. BUT... all things do work together for good for those who LOVE God and are called according to HIS purpose! I'm sure some failed marriages were key in creating certain people who will serve the Lord. Ultimately... even Satan serves the Lord and is used by Him!

Sometimes when I try to figure out why is this happening... (I resent the story of Job, not appreciate it at all, resent God's answer even)... and remember that some may be for my growth, but ultimately God will use me as an example to others. It may have nothing to do with me... After all this life is NOT about me... but God.

The language of Love mentioned is a good point... the I'm not touchy agreement may SEEM ok now... but he may realize down the road that it's more important than he first thought. Once you become intimate and aren't avoiding touch as a way of not being tempted... maybe you will enjoy it more?

One thing people get caught up on is 'is this the right person for me". Many fail to ask " AM I the right person for them?" You seem to have a good handle on your anxiety (thanks for the tips), I do too now (finally got it diagnosed correctly)... But that right there tell me YOU are bringing mental illness to the party. Since you are in a place of understanding and at peace with the condition plus being on the look out up front and still willing to grow... you will probably be fine in the long run and face a few challenges along the way when things flare up. You are off to a good start with a good heart! I wanna see a pic of the lovely couple.


So TRUE!

Wow. Minus the God part, you are saying things that are VERY true. With or without God in your life this is great advice for anyone! (If God excists or not is really irrelevant in this case, because it is just really good and sound advice for everyone!). Love it. Praise to you.

 

[EggSighted4Life]

Praise to you.

Thank you... I give the glory to God for who I am today!

But COMPLETELY understand how easy it is to question his existence. Or HOW can you call THAT a loving God when people are starving. I don't have all the answers BUT I can tell you that relationships are complicated... and the parent/child one that I have with my heavenly Father is NO different. I'm NOT your average religious person... Thank God! Hey, don't follow me (or them "hypocrites")... follow Jesus, if you want. No BODY denies that Jesus lived and led by example, even if they deny His Father.

Speaking of examples whether you are a believer or not, I have another good one... It happens to come from the bible and is completely relevant to marriage... 1st Corinthians 13:4-8..

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

When our partner isn't acting the way we want them too... it won't help to berate them. We need to look inwards to ourselves first. You attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. I don't expect this to be an issue but when someone is good to us and patient (with our issues) we can start to get a little demanding and forget they are human too and THEY have needs also.

 

[EggSighted4Life]

I told my kids and am now telling my grandkids that when you find that one person you like better than anyone else you have ever met that's who you should make a life with.

I read it said another way recently....

Don't settle with a person you think you can "live with for the rest of your life". Rather... settle with the person you CAN'T live without... for the rest of your life!

 

[Chickassan]

Lol! Iv'e been married for 23 years, my advice....run.

 

[mountain chicken]

my first marriage I was married 13 great years until my true love decided it was time to change teams.

I am now on my 2nd marriage of 14 years and still going strong

so remember you may be hit with a curve but things only get better

 

[Loopeend]

Thank you... I give the glory to God for who I am today!

But COMPLETELY understand how easy it is to question his existence. Or HOW can you call THAT a loving God when people are starving. I don't have all the answers BUT I can tell you that relationships are complicated... and the parent/child one that I have with my heavenly Father is NO different. I'm NOT your average religious person... Thank God! Hey, don't follow me (or them "hypocrites")... follow Jesus, if you want. No BODY denies that Jesus lived and led by example, even if they deny His Father.

Speaking of examples whether you are a believer or not, I have another good one... It happens to come from the bible and is completely relevant to marriage... 1st Corinthians 13:4-8..

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

When our partner isn't acting the way we want them too... it won't help to berate them. We need to look inwards to ourselves first. You attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. I don't expect this to be an issue but when someone is good to us and patient (with our issues) we can start to get a little demanding and forget they are human too and THEY have needs also.

That is true (my opinion). It is not easy though to be patiënt. And sometimes the line where to be patient or to quit is thin. Allthough I am not religious I believe in your vieuw and morals on this point.
I struggle with when to draw the line. How do you know when to draw to line when you have the feelings it all will work out and has a reason? I still believe things have a reason, I don't quit easy; but I have also learned it sometimes turned out for the better to quit. How do you solve this?

 

[bluejeans]

Congratulations! The chart is a fantastic idea! And you've been given great advice and encouragement....
Im only going to send a blessing your way...
May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,
and be gracious to you.
May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,
and give you peace.

That blessings been around for at least 3000 years what a blessing to have and give that blessing