How in the world did I come from that woman?

[EweSheep]

I love this beep off comments! Particuarly with a kid friendly site!

 

[bullyforme]

Wow, this kind of story just breaks my heart.

I too had a very strained, ugly relationship with my very difficult mother until my late 20s when my therapist (yes, my family relationships drove me to therapy!) suggested I read Harriet Lerner's "Dance of Anger." It totally changed my life. I suggest it to anyone who has a difficult relationship with someone they can't just cut off completely. The theme is you can't change anyone, how to accept that and how to deal with the difficult people you must have in your life (even if only til you can move away or cut ties) without losing your mind or your dignity. The beauty of it was, once I started to follow the advice in the book, my mother started to change as well, for the better, because of the new ways I started dealing with her. Believe it or not, we are now best friends, and she is a 100% completely different person - and she never read the book! It was all just mirrored from the changes I had made. I don't expect everyone's difficult person to change, but the changes one can make with oneself can give one a new lease on life, I swear.

Lerner has several books in this vein but I always suggest people start with Dance of Anger.

Best of luck to you, I do hope your situation improves!

 

[arianna]

Quote:
I love your reply

. Exccelent advice.

We can't choose our parents or children, yet they are, and they will always be part of us no mater what.
I had a similar relationship with my older sister for many years. She always treated me like a baby and had no confidence in me at all, it use to drive me crazy. Last year she had a car accident, I learn of it from a common friend who could not give me any details except that she was in the car with her teenager daughter. My sister is only an hour away from me and since I couldn't get anyone on the phone (cell or home), I jumped in my car and drove there with my heart rushing like a sonic train. I imagined the worst, and that hour of drive was a very long hour with many thought going through my mind. When I got there I learned that my sister was at work perfectly fine, and the accident was nothing more than bumping her car in her husband's car as she was backing out of the driveway.......
The lesson I learned from this was that is if something is to happen to the other person, all this anger that we feel right now will turn into guilt, and the guilt will hurt a lot more than the anger, specially when there is no one to answer back.
I still argue with my sister every now and then, but I love her and I know she loves me. And as strange as that might sound, I will rather have the headache of an argument any day, than the fear of casting out my sister to an unpredictable future, without trying to mend our relationship.
Your mother is not a young woman anymore, and the unpredictable can happen any time. You are more angry with her because you love her. It hurts a lot more when mean and thoughtless words are coming from someone we love, than if they would of come from someone we don’t care for.
Vent out when you need

, we are on your side and we listen

, that’s what friends are for

, and when you feel ready face your mother again, but don’t cast her out. I believe it will hurt you more than you think.
Good luck,

Arianna

 

[ChickenAlgebra]

Quote:
Well, I can't post what I REALLY told the people I told to beep off. So beep off works. FCC self-censored

 

[EweSheep]

Quote:
Well, I can't post what I REALLY told the people I told to beep off. So beep off works. FCC self-censored

 

[Ashmeade]

She can't be THAT bad if she did the loan for you in the first place. Frankly, it sounds like she just wanted more advance notice that you could not pay so she could have planned better accordingly. That does not sound unreasonable to me.

Maybe it is the"tough love" side of me but honestly I would say that if you don't like dealing with it, pay her back and be done with it or you should not have borrowed the money in the first place.

I could be giving her too much credit as I do not know her situation or yours, nor want to; but maybe she is taking the stance that she is because she is frustrated and wants you to be an adult that pays her bills. Sometimes out of worry, a parent can come across the wrong way than what is intended... (just a thought)

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
You are certainly giving her more credit than she deserves. I choose not to air every circumstance or situation she has caused me to endure over the years.

I am very angry with your post right now so I am just going to keep my mouth shut. You should probably think about what a person reads before you write it.

 

[ChickenAlgebra]

I do not know Debi's mom, however, my psychotic bio donors - parents is too nice - would have loaned me whatever, if only to hang it over my head forever. They were lower than scum, evil, horrid people. Nothing good at all.

 

[kara_leigh]

Quote:
You are certainly giving her more credit than she deserves. I choose not to air every circumstance or situation she has caused me to endure over the years.

I am very angry with your post right now so I am just going to keep my mouth shut. You should probably think about what a person reads before you write it.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
You are certainly giving her more credit than she deserves. I choose not to air every circumstance or situation she has caused me to endure over the years.

I am very angry with your post right now so I am just going to keep my mouth shut. You should probably think about what a person reads before you write it.

[URL]http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-hug008.gif[/URL]

HAHA! That's cute! I notice you are in MO - we are very likely moving there before the end of the year.....