I've been stuck in a rut for a while now. Easter of last year my bestfriend for the last 1/3 of my life died. His name was Timmy. Timmy had an intravenous drug problem for the last 8 years that just got worse as time went. I could talk for a couple of hours about all the stuff his family and I went through to help him, but I'll just leave that at we did everything we could. We all knew how it would eventually play out including him. Drug addiction is such a horrible struggle. That's not what's been plaguing my mind though.
The night before Timmy was found dead he took his girlfriend to the hospital for an OD. They had both been using the same product. Yet he decided to go home and take a fatal dose. Timmy, although an idiot for his choices, he was not stupid. By this time he was pretty experienced and educated on his drug of choice. What I can't get out of my head is that I think Timmy committed suicide. He had been in a bad depression for a long time and I can't get past how life could get so bad he'd want to end it himself. He wasn't a first time user making a mistake, he was an experienced addict.
We got some text messages just a few hours before he was found. All of them sounded horrible and depressing. Nothing was stated about suicide, but there was a feeling of severe lack of self worth.
This guy means so much to me. He'd been there for me in my lowest of lows and my highest of highs. He saved my life and talked me off the edge when my daughters mother took her from me. He saved my relationship with my wife and I when we where still dating. I was going through a rough time and was being self destructive, but what he said just cut through my bs and hit home. "You know I'll back you up no matter what, but I'm going to be disappointed in you if you don't go home." His opinion meant more to me than anything. He was everything to me a brother should be.
It breaks my heart to think he didn't feel like he had a better way out. It's all that's been playing through my head the last few days. It's quite exhausting. I miss him dearly.
I love you Timmy.