wow
Before DH and I were married we were living together, his parents did NOT approve and made that very clear to me many, many times. At one point my now MIL got about 6 inches from my face and referred to me as a 'heathen who is corrupting her son!' it took every ounce of strength I had not to 'bite' back at her but this happened in her house and I was raised to not disrespect my elders and never disrespect someone in their own house. DH was not in the room when that happened but once I told him he called his parents and calmly explained that 'they were the family he was born into and that he loved them but **I** was the family he CHOSE and if they would not FULLY support him he would drop all contact!' since then, about 12 years ago, they have been our absolute BIGGEST supporters and have apologized to me many, many times over. They said at that time they felt no one would have even been good enough for their son but that I have surpassed any expectations they could have dreamed of and they could not have BEEN more wrong about me.
So, on the in-law side of things I actually ended up scoring big time...however MY parents (mother specific) are another story completely. My mother, well her and I are no longer on speaking terms. She is a selfish, narcissistic, vindictive, manipulative, self centered person! She lives about 10 hours away from us and has chosen to not respect me as a parent and follow my rules (nothing crazy, things like 'don't give the BABY diet coke!' and do not give my borderline ADHD child loads of candy! do not suggest them to call you, their grandmother, mama, etc) so I made the decision that for the good of my family, she was no longer allowed any contact with them. It was no big loss to the kids, they haven't even asked about them in, oh at least 6 months. For many years my mother and I have had a difficult relationship. i felt it was just something I **had** to put up with, well when it started to effect my children, THAT is where i drew the line!
The last straw for me was her not acknowledging the children on their birthday and then blaming ME by saying I would not have let her talk to them even if she had called and any cards she mailed I would have destroyed! Despite our differences, I had never kept her from the children or ever spoke badly of her around them. Broke my heart to have to explain to my 4YO DS why his nanny did not call him on his birthday (he asked me why they did not call him)!
After that I said enough is enough and told her I wanted nothing more to do with her and that she was no longer allowed access to my children. The way I see it, my #1 job as a mom is to protect my children! I am not going to do ANYTHING that will hurt them, even if it means removing non supportive people from their lives. I know this is going to come out the wrong way and sound cruel, but frankly, I as a parent am not required to provide access to my children just because it is someone who gave birth to me. I know some states do have 'grandparent' laws but in most cases that law only applies in situations of divorce or non married couples. Since you ARE married and he IS the father of those children, there is virtually nothing the grandparent can do to force you as the parent to allow visitation, unless the parent is endangering the child (with would need to be backed up by CPS visits, etc). you don't need to wait for DH to do something, these are your children too and you have every right to protect them from bad influences!!
So, anbhean, if I was in your shoes I personally would have already cut off contact with them. It's unfortunate that your FIL has to be caught in the middle (as is my stepdad in my case) but you need to do what's best for your children (and for Y-O-U!!) and it really does not sound like they are getting any kind of functional relationship with them anyway.
oh and FWIW, despite what they may be saying to the children about you, kids KNOW when they are being 'fed a line of BS' I know mine at 7,4 and 2 have figured that out!
GOOD LUCK AND
Before DH and I were married we were living together, his parents did NOT approve and made that very clear to me many, many times. At one point my now MIL got about 6 inches from my face and referred to me as a 'heathen who is corrupting her son!' it took every ounce of strength I had not to 'bite' back at her but this happened in her house and I was raised to not disrespect my elders and never disrespect someone in their own house. DH was not in the room when that happened but once I told him he called his parents and calmly explained that 'they were the family he was born into and that he loved them but **I** was the family he CHOSE and if they would not FULLY support him he would drop all contact!' since then, about 12 years ago, they have been our absolute BIGGEST supporters and have apologized to me many, many times over. They said at that time they felt no one would have even been good enough for their son but that I have surpassed any expectations they could have dreamed of and they could not have BEEN more wrong about me.
So, on the in-law side of things I actually ended up scoring big time...however MY parents (mother specific) are another story completely. My mother, well her and I are no longer on speaking terms. She is a selfish, narcissistic, vindictive, manipulative, self centered person! She lives about 10 hours away from us and has chosen to not respect me as a parent and follow my rules (nothing crazy, things like 'don't give the BABY diet coke!' and do not give my borderline ADHD child loads of candy! do not suggest them to call you, their grandmother, mama, etc) so I made the decision that for the good of my family, she was no longer allowed any contact with them. It was no big loss to the kids, they haven't even asked about them in, oh at least 6 months. For many years my mother and I have had a difficult relationship. i felt it was just something I **had** to put up with, well when it started to effect my children, THAT is where i drew the line!
So, anbhean, if I was in your shoes I personally would have already cut off contact with them. It's unfortunate that your FIL has to be caught in the middle (as is my stepdad in my case) but you need to do what's best for your children (and for Y-O-U!!) and it really does not sound like they are getting any kind of functional relationship with them anyway.
oh and FWIW, despite what they may be saying to the children about you, kids KNOW when they are being 'fed a line of BS' I know mine at 7,4 and 2 have figured that out!
GOOD LUCK AND
