So...my mom has cancer and I'm her punching bag

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by pastrymama, Sep 10, 2011.

  1. pastrymama

    pastrymama Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Apr 30, 2010
    Phoenix
    We found out in May of this year that my mom has cancer(multiple myeloma) and she is doing chemo twice per week, plus a bone marrow transplant right before christmas. In order to help her and my dad, I take my mom to her treatments once a week, it's a long drive and we are there for HOURS. I am happy to help my mom, I don't want her going alone and my dad shouldn't have to do it all. He does have to work. But I have 3 kids, twins in second grade and a kindergartener. My dh is a fireman so he is gone a lot and I have a lot to do when it's just me. I am also a Brownie Leader for my twins and we are very involved in Scouts. I normally volunteer in the kids' classrooms, but I put that on hold to help my mom.

    So she is very irrational right now, although before this she was irrational, and we had a very heated conversation today about a sewing machine! She needed to take it to get serviced and the day she wanted to go, I am unavailable. So I offered to take it SOONER when I am free and she flipped out on me that I never have time and girl scouts takes up all my time. It's like she wants my entire life to stop and be at her beck and call, I should ignore my kids, ignore my house chores, dump my dh and just clear everything out of my life in case she wants something. Now, I may sound harsh, but you'd have to know my mom to really understand. Nothing is ever good enough, if I take her a gift, she calls it a "guilt present" instead of seeing it as trying to make her a tad bit happy. So she yelled and screamed at me today and then hung up on me. Mind you, I have 3 siblings, none of them help at all, just me. I am just frustrated that she doesn't see that I AM there. [​IMG] But I still have to take of my family too.

    Anyone else dealing with this? It's hard, it sucks and I have feelings too about her condition. But she can't be spoken to. I could just scream.
     
  2. WIChookchick

    WIChookchick Chillin' With My Peeps

    Aug 25, 2010
    Rural Brooklyn, WI
    Perhaps pain and the sickness that come as the side affects of the chemo is having an affect on her. Can you go to counseling just to try to talk to some one that can help you learn how to cope with her when she is like this...
    Its just a thought.
    {{{HUGS}}} I know its hard, perhaps when all of this is over she may apologize for her behavior.
    But do try to understand, perhaps talk to her doctor or a nurse about the side affects and what do they do to a person.
    Don't bring up the sewing machine, IF she does, just say you are sorry, but HER grandchildren need their mom that day.
    Don't bring her presents, perhaps bring a nice picnic lunch or a prepared 1 skillet meal for her and your dad, fresh flowers, don't say anything, just put them on the table.
    Or just hug her and say you love her, that can be a big present too.


    Hope this helps
    Carol
     
  3. mamawolf544

    mamawolf544 Unbreakable Heart

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    [​IMG] to you.
    All I can say is it is hard being sick. That is not an excuse, just a fact. And sometimes when you are sick you just dont act right. [​IMG]

    You should demand help from your siblings, make a chart or who takes Mom on what day. And stick with it.

    Dont feel guilty, it really sounds like you are being a good daughter. [​IMG]
     
  4. zippitydooda

    zippitydooda Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Apr 23, 2010
    Ottawa, Ohio
    Oh wow. I'm so sorry you are going through this. She doesn't realize that YOU actually might have some stress over her illness. She sounds like she is focusing inward right now and not thinking about anyone else.

    Here is a hug [​IMG]

    You should not answer the phone the next time she calls.....just to make a point. I don't know if that would make her realize how much you really do for her. As a good daughter (and you are a GREAT daughter for being there as often as you are) you would never do anything to hurt her. YOUR immediate family must take priority however, and she will have to ask one of your siblings or a friend to help her on the occasions where you have previous commitments. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR TAKING CARE OF YOUR FAMILY. EVER.

    Stop bringing her gifts. She doesn't appreciate them, and you can use the money on your children who would love a little something extra.

    People aren't on their best behavior when they don't feel well, so keep that in mind when she gets a little toxic to be around. Just excuse yourself and spend some quality time with your kidlets.

    Hang in there!!!!!! [​IMG]
     
  5. Ema

    Ema Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jun 4, 2010
    N. Ontario CANADA
    It sounds to me she has a deep anger issue she hasn't dealt with as of yet. In fact she might not even know what it is.

    I am sorry you are going through this and that your mom is sick My grandmother was the same way when she was diagnosed with cancer and while she was a hard pill to swallow prior to that she only got worse. She got so bad 2 of my aunts told her flat out she needed to figure out why she was so angry at the world before she tried talking to them again. I mean I don't blame my aunts, my grandmother was being very disruptive in their lives, meddled with their family issues and in the raising of their kids and never had a nice thing to say about their work or husbands.

    To me it just a way to involve yourself in something so you don't have time to look into what really is going on.

    my mom used to say though, that my grandmother was just afraid that she was no longer needed and that she was just lonely. One way or the other you might have to ask her what her anger is all about, she might be peeved at first but after a couple days she will see it.

    Stay strong...

    Ema
     
  6. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

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    Western MA
    I'd be on the phone with my siblings and tell them you need them to help with mom.
     
  7. debilorrah

    debilorrah The Great Guru of Yap Premium Member

    Quote:You must have been raised by the same woman that gave birth to me. Except she calls my gifts cheesy. You can only do what you can do. I know, I know, it is never good enough. Let me ask. Do you have a younger brother that is the Golden Child?

    By the way, throughout the history of time, when a woman marries THAT becomes her family, and her family is priority over the old one. Mothers don't like it, but too bad.
     
  8. xchairity_casex

    xchairity_casex Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Feb 5, 2011
    Quote:You must have been raised by the same woman that gave birth to me. Except she calls my gifts cheesy. You can only do what you can do. I know, I know, it is never good enough. Let me ask. Do you have a younger brother that is the Golden Child?

    By the way, throughout the history of time, when a woman marries THAT becomes her family, and her family is priority over the old one. Mothers don't like it, but too bad.

    i agree you can only do what you can do. i also know how you feel about being the punching bag. my mom gets upset at what my sister does so im the one who gets to fix it and make it better. my sister got a cat who she refuses to care for so intead of yelling at my sister i get yelled at for it,have to get rid of some of my own pets that i really do take care of and on top of it take care of her cat. if the cat tears the screens guess who gets yelled at and has to fix them? certiantly not my sister.

    i know yo uwant to do everything you can for your mom but you have a life too. i knows its difficult but also remember your mom is probably really afraid and doestn know how to convey that fear other then anger perhapes try to sit down and talk to her about how sehs feeling about all of this and let her know that your there for her if she needs a shoulder to cry on to jsut have someone there to let out her feelings. if she knows you care her attitude might change competly
     
  9. runsw/scissors

    runsw/scissors Chillin' With My Peeps

    I have a pychopath narcissistic (diagnosed) mother who thoroughly enjoys her very poor health, so I totally understand! PM me anytime, believe me I do understand.

    As hard as it is, stick to your guns and take of you and your family, THEN do what you can for your parents.

    It feels like I am being turned inside out sometimes, it is so, so hard to be hurt emotionally by a parent. Please be kind to yourself while this is going on.

    (((((pastrymama))))
     
  10. debilorrah

    debilorrah The Great Guru of Yap Premium Member

    Well we sure are a screwed up buncha chicken lovin people!!!
     

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