Some Short Ones.

[Col1948]

I've created a website selling and delivering sausages over the Internet.
I'll send you the link.

Last night my girlfriend and I played a board game designed for masochists.
It was great, we both ended up getting beaten.

My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.
That's a bit far-fetched.

I've been invited to my first Constipation Anonymous meeting next week.
Unfortunately there's no way I can go.

I saw a homeless guy in town shouting about a lot of imprecise, random stuff.
It was a vague-rant.

So smoking will kill you, and bacon will kill you, but smoking bacon will cure it.

Latest study shows that half of the men in the UK have contemplated suicide... The other half are single.


More to follow...

 

[Col1948]

I feel so much safer now that we have these patrolling the streets, you can leave you windows open, doors unlocked, no need to lock the car, you can even leave the ignition key in.

 

[Col1948]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2018, Charlie Hardcastle and Arthur Entwhistle, self-taught local amateur archaeologists, reported that they had found absolutely bugger all. Charlie and Arthur have therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British.

 

[Col1948]

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Rats are under rated.
Just check your dictionary.

They have found a cure for dyslexia . which is music to my arse.

Phoned in sick last Monday, told them I had a wee cough, Boss replied you've got a wee cough? I said cheers see you next week then.

After years struggling with my addiction to alcohol gel, I'm finally clean.

My friend's girlfriend is mute, so communicates by embroidery, it's her version of sign language, sew to speak.

I've just been informed that a distant relative has left me a priceless watch in her will...
I hope it's not a wind up.

Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt... people writing on walls and worshipping cats.

Woman in burka says to husband, " Does my bomb look big in this?"

I've just won our local Iron Man competition... 20 shirts in half an hour.

Apparently diet books are popular because they appeal to a wide audience.

There's a huge advert for Viagra in our local pharmacy... It's been up for ages.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that'll come back to bite me.

I had a happy childhood, my Dad would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill... they were Goodyears.


More to follow...

 

[oldrooster]

I had a happy childhood, my Dad would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill... they were Goodyears.

Are you sure your not byased? or where you belted????

 

[Col1948]

This 'o' has been taken out of cntext.

I had a phone call from the Mafia last night.
Apparently they can insure me against having an accident next week.

I lost an arm and leg in an accident at work.
Now I'm on severance pay.

"My mother is still in shock" the wife complained, "the doctors say it could've killed her".
"I only did what you asked", I said, defending myself, "Take her a cup of tea and two slices of toast with nothing on".

My body is really well defined.
Just go to the dictionary and look under the word "flabby".

I really thought my wife was going to get me something unique for tonight's fancy dress. All she got me was a black hooded robe and a scythe.
Things are looking Grim.

I turned into a cat earlier. Don't ask meow.

I love my job as a courtroom artist.
I get paid, and nowadays I get to meet all the people I loved as a kid on TV.

We went to a Thunderbird's themed fancy dress party, I went the whole hog, had the hair dyed, and got a costume to look like Virgil.
My wife just put a green coat on and went as Thunderbird two.

It's been two weeks since I propped up a scarecrow in the corner of our bedroom.
And the wife's still not noticed the mirror's missing.

I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.
So I took them to the fish market, saying, "Shhhhh ... they're all asleep."

More to follow...

 

[Col1948]

At least someone likes my jokes.

 

[Col1948]

Who wants to feed the hippos?" I excitedly asked my children on a day trip.
"Can you please leave?" said Doreen, the Weight Watchers meeting leader.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

I swallowed some Scrabble letters last night.
My next trip to the loo could spell disaster!

I was chatting with a guy at work, "I wanted to drive a truck when I was younger."
"What happened?" he asked.
"I couldn't reach the pedals," I replied.

My dad told me to stop using such high calibre rounds when we were out hunting.
As usual, it went in one deer and out the other.

I don't always tolerate stupid people.
But when I do, I'm probably at work.

Enow and then I like to learn a new swear word.
So I park in front of my neighbour's driveway.

I've just made out with a lesbian.
Well, she is now.

If you think Amazon always delivers what you ordered, then you've got another thing coming.

More to follow...

 

[Col1948]

I was never that keen on it before, I won't be drinking it ever again lol.

 

[Col1948]

Hugh Blewit gets a job working at the sawmill, after a couple of days he ends up in an accident, he leaned over too far and got his arm cut off.
Luckily the guy working with him, thought quick and put his arm in a plastic bag and they rushed him to hospital.
After a couple of days the guy went to visit Hugh in hospital and was told that Hugh was in Rehab, so he goes to Rehab and there is Hugh playing tennis, 'Wow! the wonders of modern science,' the guy thought.
So a couple of weeks past by and Hugh returns to work in the sawmill, again another accident, Hugh got his leg cut off.
Well you know the rest, they put his leg in a plastic bag and rushed him to hospital. After a couple of days the guy went to visit and was told Hugh was in Rehab.
So he goes to Rehab and there is Hugh playing soccer, the guy thought, 'Wow! The wonders of modern science.'
So after a couple of weeks Hugh returns to work in the sawmill, you guessed, another accident.
This time Hugh got his head cut off, so quick thinking they put his head in a plastic bag and rushed him to hospital.
After a couple of days the guy goes to visit Hugh, but this time he was told they couldn't save him and Hugh had died.
Shocked, the guy asked why after the other times they saved him, the doctor said, "Well we could have only some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated!"