The Night of the Mare

[cluckmecoop7]

Hello all!

I've been a little timid to share this with you all, but I think the time has come. I'm writing a chapter book, and I'd like people to help me out with suggestions, ideas, and editing. Please be honest. I want this to be a good book in the end. Also, please point out spelling mistakes.

About:

Olivia is 14 years old. She and her family live on a homestead. Olivia (who's nickname is Livvy) is responsible for the goats, although she doesn't enjoy the job. One night at dinner Dad tells the family that the largest storm the state has ever had in history is about to hit them directly. Livvy is trusted to take the goats up on the mountain and fend for herself overnight. With the company of two dogs, Zada and Jet, will Livvy survive in the storm?

[ I'll post the first part in a few minutes ]

Spoiler: Please read

NO COPYWRITING! This is MY idea for MY book. Thank you!

 

[cluckmecoop7]

Chapter 1


“Why are goats so messy?” complained 14 year old Olivia to herself as she spread hay on the floor of the shed. “And they are so hard to care for in winter. Why do we have goats anyway?”

Although she was only complaining to herself, her older sister Kayla overheard.

“The goats help us a lot.” Kayla commented as she swept the floor. “Don’t you like fresh milk for breakfast every morning? And what about the cheese and soap Mom makes? I think they are quite useful.”

“Well….” Olivia reluctantly agreed. “I guess. But still, if you had to care for these goats every morning you would hate it, too.”

“You hate it?”

“I guess that wasn’t the right word. Maybe ‘dislike’ or ‘detest’ is a better word.”

“Yes, that’s better. But still, I don’t think you dislike taking care of them. Maybe you got up on the wrong side of the bed.” Kayla suggested with a grin.

“Maybe,” laughed Livvy, “but I don’t think so. I’m just tired of these goats.”

* * *

At dinner time that evening, Dad had important news. “I need everyone's attention for a few minutes.” He declared. He waited until everyone had taken their usual seats, then began. “As you all know, we are going to have a large storm tomorrow. But the thing you don’t know is this: The storm has turned into the largest storm we’ve ever had in the history of our state.” He paused, and everyone waited respectfully for him to go on. “Olivia, I’m going to need you for a very important task,” he continued.

Olivia jumped at the mention of her name. “Wha- what?” She asked, slightly confused.

“Olivia, I’m going to need you to bring the goats up to the Lexi Sky Beach Trail and stay with them under the rock ledge on the mountain tomorrow. You will probably have to stay overnight. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Yes….yes, I understand.” Olivia was a little dazed.

“You will have to start early tomorrow morning.” Dad continued. “It’s not going to be easy, but I trust you will be able to handle everything.”


Early the next morning, Livvy got up. It was still dark, and very cold. She shivered as she brushed her teeth and got ready for the day. The night before Mom had laid out a warm coat and overalls for her to wear when she was with the goats. There was also a bag with enough food for lunch and dinner.

Quietly Livvy put on her outdoor clothes. She also put on a cozy hat and a pair of green cotton gloves. She jumped when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“Oops, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you!” It was Dad. “I just wanted to make sure you were ready before you left.”

“I’m okay.” Livvy replied. “Just a little nervous about today.”

“I can understand that,” Dad said as he gave her a hug. “I’m a little worried about you, but I’m sure you will be alright. You see, I’m only sending you because I need all the older ones for things around here. And Elly is much too little for this kind of responsibility.”

“Don’t worry Dad, I think I’ll be fine.”

“Good luck and please stay safe.” With that Dad went back upstairs.

Livvy took a deep breath, then opened the door and went out. The wind was already picking up. “I better hurry.” Livvy decided as she floundered through a few feet of snow. “And Dad said it’s going to start snowing again soon!”

After a quick prayer for safety and courage, she opened the goats barn door. Zada and Jet, the guard dogs, jumped up eagerly to greet her. “Yes, yes. Hi! I’m happy to see you, too.” The excited dogs made her feel a little better.

Zada was a 1 ½ year old Australian Shepherd and her job was to herd and round up the goats. She was sometimes used for herding calves as well.

Jet was a German Shepherd/Great pyrenees mix. He was a great guard dog, and Livvy knew he would be a large comfort on the mountain.
“Let’s go.” she told the excited dogs. “Zada, go zap them!” she encouraged as the dog ran around, spraying snow everywhere. When Zada was a puppy, the family had trained her that “zap them” meant getting the goats to move forward.

As the group started up the dirt road to the mountain, Livvy counted everyone. “They’re all here.” she sighed, “At least, for now.” she added worriedly.

Jet bounded ahead while Zada stayed behind, weaving in and out of the goats and keeping order in the herd. Livvy walked beside the lead goat and tried not to worry about what might happen.
About half an hour later the snow started falling. Large flakes drifted lazily downward at first, but soon they turned to small, icy pellets that stung her face and neck. She re-wrapped her scarf around her neck and squinted her eyes. The icy snow pellets swirling and blowing even harder as the wind picked up! Zada was panting like crazy as she kept the goats in order. “Good girl, Zada! Keep it up!” Livvy yelled, but the wind carried her words away and she didn’t even know if Zada had heard her or not. Livvy then realized she had lost sight of Jet. “He’s fine.” she told herself. “At least I think.”

The end of Chapter 1

 

[black_cat]

Chapter 1


“Why are goats so messy?” complained 14 year old Olivia to herself as she spread hay on the floor of the shed. “And they are so hard to care for in winter. Why do we have goats anyway?”

Although she was only complaining to herself, her older sister Kayla overheard.

“The goats help us a lot.” Kayla commented as she swept the floor. “Don’t you like fresh milk for breakfast every morning? And what about the cheese and soap Mom makes? I think they are quite useful.”

“Well….” Olivia reluctantly agreed. “I guess. But still, if you had to care for these goats every morning you would hate it, too.”

“You hate it?”

“I guess that wasn’t the right word. Maybe ‘dislike’ or ‘detest’ is a better word.”

“Yes, that’s better. But still, I don’t think you dislike taking care of them. Maybe you got up on the wrong side of the bed.” Kayla suggested with a grin.

“Maybe,” laughed Livvy, “but I don’t think so. I’m just tired of these goats.”

* * *

At dinner time that evening, Dad had important news. “I need everyone's attention for a few minutes.” He declared. He waited until everyone had taken their usual seats, then began. “As you all know, we are going to have a large storm tomorrow. But the thing you don’t know is this: The storm has turned into the largest storm we’ve ever had in the history of our state.” He paused, and everyone waited respectfully for him to go on. “Olivia, I’m going to need you for a very important task,” he continued.

Olivia jumped at the mention of her name. “Wha- what?” She asked, slightly confused.

“Olivia, I’m going to need you to bring the goats up to the Lexi Sky Beach Trail and stay with them under the rock ledge on the mountain tomorrow. You will probably have to stay overnight. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Yes….yes, I understand.” Olivia was a little dazed.

“You will have to start early tomorrow morning.” Dad continued. “It’s not going to be easy, but I trust you will be able to handle everything.”


Early the next morning, Livvy got up. It was still dark, and very cold. She shivered as she brushed her teeth and got ready for the day. The night before Mom had laid out a warm coat and overalls for her to wear when she was with the goats. There was also a bag with enough food for lunch and dinner.

Quietly Livvy put on her outdoor clothes. She also put on a cozy hat and a pair of green cotton gloves. She jumped when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“Oops, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you!” It was Dad. “I just wanted to make sure you were ready before you left.”

“I’m okay.” Livvy replied. “Just a little nervous about today.”

“I can understand that,” Dad said as he gave her a hug. “I’m a little worried about you, but I’m sure you will be alright. You see, I’m only sending you because I need all the older ones for things around here. And Elly is much too little for this kind of responsibility.”

“Don’t worry Dad, I think I’ll be fine.”

“Good luck and please stay safe.” With that Dad went back upstairs.

Livvy took a deep breath, then opened the door and went out. The wind was already picking up. “I better hurry.” Livvy decided as she floundered through a few feet of snow. “And Dad said it’s going to start snowing again soon!”

After a quick prayer for safety and courage, she opened the goats barn door. Zada and Jet, the guard dogs, jumped up eagerly to greet her. “Yes, yes. Hi! I’m happy to see you, too.” The excited dogs made her feel a little better.

Zada was a 1 ½ year old Australian Shepherd and her job was to herd and round up the goats. She was sometimes used for herding calves as well.

Jet was a German Shepherd/Great pyrenees mix. He was a great guard dog, and Livvy knew he would be a large comfort on the mountain.
“Let’s go.” she told the excited dogs. “Zada, go zap them!” she encouraged as the dog ran around, spraying snow everywhere. When Zada was a puppy, the family had trained her that “zap them” meant getting the goats to move forward.

As the group started up the dirt road to the mountain, Livvy counted everyone. “They’re all here.” she sighed, “At least, for now.” she added worriedly.

Jet bounded ahead while Zada stayed behind, weaving in and out of the goats and keeping order in the herd. Livvy walked beside the lead goat and tried not to worry about what might happen.
About half an hour later the snow started falling. Large flakes drifted lazily downward at first, but soon they turned to small, icy pellets that stung her face and neck. She re-wrapped her scarf around her neck and squinted her eyes. The icy snow pellets swirling and blowing even harder as the wind picked up! Zada was panting like crazy as she kept the goats in order. “Good girl, Zada! Keep it up!” Livvy yelled, but the wind carried her words away and she didn’t even know if Zada had heard her or not. Livvy then realized she had lost sight of Jet. “He’s fine.” she told herself. “At least I think.”

The end of Chapter 1

That's amazing!! I really love the story concept. Some suggestions- try to use indirect characterization as opposed to direct. (example: instead of saying '14 year old Olivia' have her dad say something about her being 14 and old enough for the responsibility of staying overnight with the goats)
Maybe clarify a bit more what jobs you need to do to care for the goats, as well as why Livvy hates it so much. Add some more info and background information before skipping right to the dramatic moment.
Also clarify why she needs to take the goats up the mountain, instead of, say, keeping them in a barn. Knowing when this story is set would also help tremendously- I think that you should spend a little bit more time fleshing out the setting and background info.
Overall, I love it! Great job!!!

 

[black_cat]

Thank you!! I’ll look into changing stuff. Please remember this is a draft everyone.

Yeah, which is why I was making suggestions- if you're not looking for constructive criticism, that's ok, but you should clarify it.

 

[SulkyBantam]

OK! I love the plot and it's going really well. I had a few suggestions, but only listen if you want to

14 year old Olivia

It would be more natural to say 'young Olivia' and then later in the story, 'in all her 14 years, Olivia had never been given such an important task,' or something like that.

as she spread hay on the floor of the shed

I like the dialogue, but I think a bit more description would help create a better image of the setting. like 'musty straw', 'old shed with the jumbled wood in the corners and creaking stall doors'

Kayla overheard

Maybe a description of Kayla here?

reluctantly agree

At dinner time that evening, Dad had important news

maybe t would sound more natural to say something like, 'at dinner time that very same evening, Dad told them some unexpected news'

heir usual seat

Maybe another description?

Olivia was a little dazed.

I trust you will be able to handle everything

He might want to say why

he night before Mom had laid out a warm coat and overalls for her to wear when she was with the goats. There was also a bag with enough food for lunch and dinner.

Food description perhaps?

a cozy hat

Maybe saying why is is cozy

Dad said as he gave her a hug

What is Dad like, how did the hug feel?

Zada was a 1 ½ year old Australian Shepherd

Maybe more like, 'Zada, an Australian Shepherd of some 18 months,'

“At least I think.”

I like the suspense! Maybe, 'At least...' she added uncertainly, 'I think.'

Sure!

Please don't thinK I'm being bossy! I just like to help. I love the story, and feel free to ignore my suggestions. Looking forward to part 2!

 

[cluckmecoop7]

(FYI I'm adding spoilers etc to make it harder for non BYC members to copy write.

 

[PepsiCatt]

Dude.
My name is Olivia. Neat!

 

[cluckmecoop7]

I worked on the first chapter for a while and I'm changing some stuff like you said @black_cat

 

[PioneerChicks]

Clucky, I didn't know you are a writer! Welcome to the completely unofficial club!

I love chapter one! Please tag me when chapter two is ready!

 

[cluckmecoop7]

Sure!