Complaint letter to the bank....

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by onthespot, Jan 8, 2011.

  1. onthespot

    onthespot Deluxe Dozens

    Mar 29, 2008
    Riverside/Norco, CA
    Dear Sir:

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

    I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

    From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

    My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

    Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

    Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

    I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

    Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

    In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

    As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Let me level the playing field even further.

    When you call me, press buttons as follows:


    #1. To make an appointment to see me

    #2. To query a missing payment.

    #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

    #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

    #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

    #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

    #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

    #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

    #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

    #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

    Your Humble Client

    (Name Witheld)
  2. draye

    draye Crowing

    Nov 30, 2010
    That's good. Can I use it for my banking institution? [​IMG] [​IMG]
  3. xoxocammyxoxo

    xoxocammyxoxo Chirping

    Dec 14, 2010
    Tacoma, WA
    Oh my gawd i love it!
  4. Rusty Hills Farm

    Rusty Hills Farm Songster

    Apr 3, 2008
    Up at the barn
    Funny as all get-out!!! Wish we actually COULD treat them as badly as they treat us!

    Sadly, as long as we owe them money, they will continue to abuse us and we will remain helpless to prevent the abuse. The simplest solution to the problem is to not borrow money from them. Then you don't have to deal with them at all. Saves a LOT of wear and tear on your nervous system. If enough of us follow up on this solution, they will eventually go broke and not be around to abuse anyone ever again.

    Works for me!

  5. babylady4

    babylady4 Mother Goose

    Mar 30, 2009
    Central WI
    LOVE IT!!!!!

    I need a copy......
  6. ksacres

    ksacres At Your Service

    Nov 16, 2007
    San Antonio TX
  7. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits...

    May 19, 2008
    Western MA

    Dare someone to send it to their bank... [​IMG]
  8. mississippifarmboy

    mississippifarmboy collects slightly damaged strays

    Quote:Dare accepted! [​IMG]

    First thing Monday mornin'

    I'll let ya'll know how it goes...

    edited to add... I'm not SENDING it, I'm hand delevering it personally!
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2011
  9. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits...

    May 19, 2008
    Western MA
    Quote:Dare accepted! [​IMG]

    First thing Monday mornin'

    I'll let ya'll know how it goes...

    [​IMG] Cant wait to see this..
  10. mississippifarmboy

    mississippifarmboy collects slightly damaged strays

    You do know if I get in trouble it's gonna be your fault.. [​IMG]

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