[Ummmm.... yeah my peeps. Don't go getting excited, cuz I'm really not back. But I sent an email to my sister today, who I haven't talked to lately, and I thought I would share it with you, just as an update, or whatever. the beginning of it was really inappropriate, so i cut it out, haha]
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today is the last day before break. i had to go to a meeting today with one of my VPs, accompanied by my union rep, who told me to smile, don't say anything except "yes yes" and let her do the talking for me.
well (you know me, lol!) that is NOT how it went down. i gave the most beautiful, calm, deadly, eloquent speech i have ever given (peppered with a few choice f-bombs which were kept off the record, of course). i smiled as i said it. i did not cry. and at some point, i even said "and as they say on shark tank: "and for that reason....i am out." (i really did)
i have been living on xanax, wine, ambien, nonstop crying, and have been two **** hairs away from a nervous breakdown since, well, my last nervous breakdown. joe is in florida with his kids, he comes home today (i like being alone, so that's ok). i have talked to nobody really, cuz, well, all i got is joe and my sweet, crazy internet chicken friend who lives in kentucky that i drink wine and skype with.
i have been walking around work all week singing a song under my breath I wrote that is called "Go F**k Yourself." It goes like this (to the tune of Oh Christmas Tree). " Go F**k Yourself,Go F**k Yourself, la la lala, i'm outta here."
(that's it. not very creative, i know.)
last night i went to this restorative yoga thing at lovelight, with crystal bowls and healing drums and bolsters and blankets, and i cried all the way through it. all. the. way. through. it.
i canceled on my yearly nurse's christmas party. i canceled on joe's sister joanie's annual christmas dinner. i informed joe that i am not going to his sister annette's annual Xmas eve hellfest with all the screaming children, grandchildren, and endless array of tacky, cheap, horrifying gifts i keep insisting they not buy me. i have bought no christmas presents (sorry finbar, i'll catch you after the holidays, you know your aunt cindi loves you. and you have plenty of sh*t to tide you over till i feel better).
so: i am saying no. NONONONONONO. i don't feel guilty, i don't give a flying sh*t what people think right now.
and you know what? for the first time in weeks, i feel calm. and peaceful. because i said my piece. and it flowed outta me like eminem spitting the illest freestyle ever. and when i walked out of that meeting, my devil-woman of a head nurse who is the source of much of this work bs, who was covering my office (because as usual i was alone as my float nurse called out, again) asked me concernedly (fakily) "are you ok? do you need a minute?" and i grinned and looked her in the eye and said, "no, i'm great. i got this, you can go back to the clinic now" (singing my holiday song in my head).
cuz ya know what? i think i'll be ok now. i feel calm, serene, and i haven't even taken a f**king xanax since 6:45. i never quit a job without having a backup, without a safety net, and ya know what? i'm sure i'll be fine.
that is why you--nor anyone--has heard from me.
but i really think i'll be ok now. i can't wait for 2017 to be over, and i'm hoping the new year will be the sh*t.
love ya~
cindi
